What do I do about my roommate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
What do I do about my roommate?
3
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 4:42pm
This is the closest board that I could find to ask this question

My roommate and I just moved into a townhouse (that she bought) and we pay 50/50 in rent and I am on the lease. We haven't had problems in the past, but now we are having a problem and I just wanted to get some feedback on what I should do. I know what I should do, but might just need a more tactful way.

We have had 2 conversations now about have our SO over to the townhouse. My boyfriend is ober about once a week if that. Her boyfriend is over (at first 6 out of 7 nights) but now about 4-5 nights a week. When we talked the first time, she understood where I was coming from and then only had him over once that following week. We had another issue come up and the Sleepover convo came up again, and she made a point that he was only over once that week and that I was barely home at all. My rebuttal was that it didn't matter if I was home because I pay rent and he doesn't ( as he showers and eats and sleeps) so it doesn't matter where I was. I told her to just use discretion or common sense and have him over a night and skip two nights or something to that affect. she saw my point, but then the week that we had the talk, he was over for the next four nights in a row. Do I say something or am I being to picky to bring it up so quickly again. I like the guy adn think he is nice, but I don't want to live with him. They hang out in the common areas (and I know I can too) but I don't want to feel like that 3rd wheel (as they play kissy face and touch all the time). They cannot go over to his house (as i can with my boyfriend) becasue he lives with his mom (he's 35, she's 22).

She thinks that I am need to make a rule about about ( I did) but she wants me to lay out specifics. Which days? I think that if she used common sense, it would be easy. I am not stopping them from seeing each other, but I feel like he is invading my privacy as well.

Also, she is so wrapped up in him, she neglects her friends, has basically become and alcholic, and we haven't had a conversation in a month.

Does anyone know a reasonable way to get through to her, without me blowing my top???

Thanks,

Robin

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 5:00pm
As a friend, I think I would be more worried about your friend dropping her friends to spend all her time with a 35 year old man who still lives with his mommy and the drinking than I would be with the living arrangements. I'm not sure how to get through to her about this. A lot of times, people aren't receptive to input about this stuff. Maybe you could try to get her talking about this guy - what she sees in him, what she likes about him, what he does for a living, what is prospects are. Maybe by talking about him, she can begin to see the situation for what it is.

As a roommate/tennant, I think that since you have talked to her about this man being over all the time and although she sees your point, she still has him over all the time, she is determined to have him over. You can keep voicing your opinion about the living arrangements and try to get her to change, or you can move out. If she wont change, then I don't know what else you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:02pm
my advice: talk to her.

you need to figure out what is truly bothering you about the situation. next time you sit down to talk with her, have a clear idea in your head of what your argument will be, and make sure you can back up your complaints with facts.

the rent, the amount of time he spends there per week, the fact that he uses your bathroom (and is probably in there when you need to use it), and the fact that he probably eats the groceries that you partially pay for - these are valid complaints.

as annoying as their touching and kissing is, and as mad as you are that she's neglecting her friends and is completely wrapped up in him - these are not arguments you can back up with facts. these are just things that annoy you, and rightly so, but chances are that if you bring these things up, she's going to feel offended, get defensive, and will be less likely to compromise.

although i know you want to read her the riot act on everything, choose wisely. if your goal is to get results, only bring up the things you can back up. but if your goal is simply to tell her what she's doing wrong, bring up everything, but be assured the situation will be miserable for everyone!

trust me, i know where you're coming from. one of my college roommate's had her boyfriend sleep over 3-4 nights a week, even during exam periods, and we shared one room. i couldn't even lock myself in my bedroom because, hey, it was her bedroom too! and i'm in a similar situation now with my brother and his girlfriend. they're constantly touching each other and using the telvision and so on, and it drives me crazy!

i feel for you, i do, and i bet you feel like a volcano about to blow. but trust me, let the steam out slowly for optimal results! best of luck reaching a compromise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:52pm
I would be alittle worried why at his age he is still living at home with mommy. Personally, if it were me i would be looking for a new place. People do sometimes get so rapped up in a new relationship that they forget their friends for awhile but it sounds to me like this one is detrimental to your roommates health. It still bothers me that he is living at home at his age...something is not right.....Like i said I would be looking for new place..I dont think the sleepovers are going to stop...P.S. Is she sure its "mom" he's living with ?..thats my two cents worth. hope things work out for you...Jamie