What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
What do you think?
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 4:16pm
My dh and my bil are bitter enemies. For many reasons I don't want to go into. My question is---------my dh and I and our 3 kids are always invited before or after Christmas and never on the day itself. The big day is reserved for my other siblings at my parents house. I have put up with this for several years. Do I have to right to insist that we be invited over for the actual day on some years? Bearing in mind that I was the least favorite child in my family growing up. What should I do? Should I just accept this? I have no idea how to think about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 6:27pm
Something sounds fishy to me..... Family is family. DH & BIL can bite thier tongues during the holidays b/c its a loving and spiritual time for families.

I say step up to the plate and confront them. And if they push back, say "When are you going to grow up??? That was when we were children, and I have changed since then. We want to feel like part of the family, too. There's no reason you should single us out like we are lepars!" Well, thats what I would say. If they do it for scheduling reasons, I dont see where the problem is. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 8:28pm
Sadly the last time dh and bil were together it got physical and they just cannot get past this nor do they want to. Bil is an animal and made some very violent threats. What I need to know is how much of a fuss I should make about always being delegated to before or after the holidays.
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 11:17pm
DH and BIL: are they related and what were they so misbehaving ABOUT?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:24am
My sister and my DH do not get along. They tolerate each other's presence when it's required, but it's an unspoken rule that my DH is not allowed in her house. Fine with him, since he never wants to set foot on her property, anyway. I've managed to get him to relent and allow her in our house, and they both behave themselves very nicely for my benefit, but for some obscure reason her DH won't make the same allowance for my DH.

So holidays are segregated at our houses, too. We always invite my sister and her DH, and she will show up (before or after, never during), but her DH stays home. Only I am invited to their house, but not DH, so of course I might go before or after, but never during without my DH.

For us, there's no insisting that we be included, ever. Not going into details, but there's a very good reason my DH wants nothing to do with my sister, and she will spend the rest of her life, probably, trying to make amends for it. I can only imagine what she's told her DH (who was never involved in the first place) to make him so callous and cold towards us both.


But to address your questions: Your situation involves the whole family celebration at the parents' house, and I can completely understand (even without knowing the details of the original altercation) why you are upset. However, I can't advise whether or not you have the "right" to insist on being invited for alternating years on the actual holiday, because the answer to this question may lie in the reasons for the altercation in the first place.

I also wonder what the other siblings' or your parents' feelings are about the matter: are they on the BIL's side or your DH's, or neither? If they are on BIL's side, that may explain why BIL and other siblings spend the holiday with your parents, and you and DH are excluded (wanting to have the most family members together for that day).

Sorry I couldn't be more help - but really need to know what the reasons are (general is ok, no need to be specific) for hating each other, and need to know where the family alliances are. Might also help to understand more about why you say you were the least favorite child growing up.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 7:22pm
The funny thing is that dh and bil had a normal relationship before all this. Then when we went to bil's house one day he accused dh of scratching his car. It was just totally off the wall. The next time they say each other bil started in on him that he was 'dead meat' and got physically threating and shouting. At the time my father said he was mad at both of them and my mother said nothing, which is usual. Btw bil had a traffic infraction for road rage shortly after this, within weeks in fact. The other driver called the police because bil tore his mirror off and got out of his car and verbally threatened him. Does this info help? My mother has always favored my sister, bil's wife anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:04am
I think its sad it has to be like that, but I think if I were u I'd just accept it and work around it. For one thing maybe Im weird but I just wouldnt want to listen to the complaining of the others whining b-cuz theyre mad u want to change the way its usually done. Actually maybe it could be a good thing if u spend actual Christmas w/ ur family (well, ur DH and 3 kids) and start a bunch of new traditions etc. Have fun w/ it :-) Rhiannon