What do you think about..........

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
What do you think about..........
6
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:59pm
What would you think about your mother talking to your EX?

Or your MIL talking to your husbands EX?

-Background-

As I've wrote previously, my husband and I have been together almost 4 years (Married just over two of them) His mother still talks to one of his ex girlfriends with whom he has a 6 year old daughter with.(They separated a year before I met him) Now, if it were harmless conversation I "might"(But can't swear to it) understand. Here inlies the problem - his mother tells her personal information about us!! How wrong is that? I can't tack down in my brain specifics, but I do remember it being info she should have kept to herself. Even worse...his ex tells MIL lies about husband and I.(Mostly me) Just all kinds of goofy garb. MIL totally sides with her no matter what she has done, even when she's undeniably in the wrong. My husbands ex has this way of making MIL feel sorry for her (BOOOWHOO) and it's like it's all our (Husband and I) fault that her life sucks. My husband has told his mother that we have no problem with his EX bringing his daughter over to see MIL and such, but the over-socializing needs to stop. So MIL just hides it better. I feel totally betrayed by MIL, I won't lie. It hurts and totally ticks me off at the same time. I think she needs to choose between the family she has and the family she "wishes" she had. Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 9:38am
If you ask her to choose you will have a bigger problem on your hands. She just might not choose you. Besides it is not fair to ask her to choose. I notice that when people break up they expect their friends and family to forget that person ever existed. That is not fair to the friends and family. It doesn't work that way. Your MIL has obviously become very attached to your DH's ex as a DIL. As much as you may not like it that is what she was before they broke up and the feelings you have for someone just don't disappear because they are no longer in a relationship with the person that brought you together.

I am not saying she should be at every family gathering or that your MIL should be discussing your private lives w/ her but you can't ask her to choose.

You and your DH maybe should think about sitting down with her and having a conversation. Let her know how much it hurts you when they discuss your private lives and things about you that are not true. Tell her your not asking her to choose but to please keep your relationship separate from hers w/ the ex.

It may not be the answer for you either but it is something to consider.

Hope everything works out. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 2:24pm
Wow,I would hate that.I think your mother in law should realize her son and the other lady are ex.Does the ex have a husband and what does he think?
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 3:03pm
She does have a live in boyfriend.(The EX) But from what I've heard and seen from the two of them, it is a realationship of convenience. They don't seem happy at all. I think they both cheat on each other. She (The ex) has told my MIL that she only stays with him because her daughter loves him so much. Personally I think she just wants my husband back and is sticking it out with "Choice #2" until that happens. Not that I'm saying it will, but she has a very warped mind. For example, she told her daughter age 6 (5 at the time) that she was gonna get rid of me and get back with my husband.That no one would know where I was, and that OUR SON would be with THEM!!! What nerve. I don't beleive that a child so young would make up such a thing. So we asked her about it. Even though she denied it, she looked horribly guilty (and angry that her daughter ratted her out) Oh, and don't think I didn't set her sorry A$$ straight. Yes, this whole situation is rediculous. She's is one of those people who needs very little encouragment to get weird thoughts in her head. I wish she would seek therepy, and save us all some aggravation.

As far as the MIL is concerned, she needs to realize that her son is just about ready to blow her off. And it's all her fault. He has told her time and time again that the things she pulls needs to stop. But she never see's "her part" in the problems that happen. I'm very sure though, that since we rarely go around that she has blamed it all on me somehow.Three of his siblings have been married twice, and everything that happened that she didn't like was ALWAYS their spouses fault in her mind.(Even when it clearly wasn't really their fault) So I'm sure it didn't stop at me. Basically, I have more decency and maturity in my pinki finger than most of his family has in their whole body.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 5:26pm
I completly agree with you! I'd be very upset as well!! I don't know much else you can do..having your hub talk to her was a good first step. Maybe just keep things you both don't want blabbed about to yourselves..just stick to "weather" topics. Best of luck!
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-10-2003 - 8:09am
Ok let me tell you what I have learned. Me and DH have been married six years this July and my MIL has tried everything to get my goat. When we first got married all it was was .." Do you remember when you and so and so was together" " Hey look I found these pictures of him and his ex" even to a point she had them under glass on her end tables. DH got mad and the next time they were gone. It never really bothered me because I had others people in my life before DH, but she never left it there in the past. Well after DS was born she would bring out the pics( a couple of summers ago DS was three) and show him look who is this( DH had long hair and totally didn't look like himself) and he would say daddy and look at the girl and look up at her and she would say nope she isn't your mommy ha ha. I thought to myself so funny. DH was so enraged that that was the last straw. He had talked and talked to her for years and nothing ever came of it. Well when he told us to gather up our stuff and go and we didn't go back out there for the rest of our trip she realized he was serious. So my advice is to act not just say you will actually do it. I know I am still nother favorite person, but I also know now from Dh that even though she talked about this girl constantly he said she did the same thing to her. Brought up other girls( really none before her just did you see that girl flirting with you son ha ha) and threw them in her face. DH says in the end she hated this girl and would not let her in the house. So I think even though she doesn't like me too well( things are better now) she really didn't like the others either. My opinion is some mama's will nevr be happy with whom their children choose. I would act and hopefully things will ease up and she will see they are not just idle threats. Hope this helped.........Michelle
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 05-10-2003 - 1:54pm
Thanks for your input. I think though, that one of her major problems with me is the age difference between my husband and I .I'm 24 (Soon to be 25) and he's 32. I say this because she once said to me "these two married people I know have this many (I don't remember how many years she mentioned) years between them, and I don't see how that works out. I mean how could they have anything in common?" Then she looked at me just dying for a reaction!! What nerve!! But I didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much that bothered me. She is never "out right" rude to me. It's what she says and how she says it that gets me. She always hides her dislike for me under a nicey-nice fake smile and her overbearing holier than thou religious attitude. Which makes it ten times more infuriating. I guess it is comforting to know that most people never "Really" like their in-laws. I have tried to be nice to this woman. I've tried to like her. But she is just begging for a good hard smack! HAHA. So we don't see them very often anymore. Which is sad (to a point) but a huge releif to me.