What should I do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
What should I do
6
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:27pm
I don't know what to do. Dh, this girl and his job keep me so mad I can't seem to get anything done.Everyone that knows us would think I'm crazy if I even thought dh would consider sleeping with her. What they don't know is he has before, but it was before I knew him which I never had a problem with at the time.

Well to shorten a book, We'd been happily married for about 5 years before she decided to step in.It was perfectly clear to me what she was trying to do and she wasn't shy about it niether. Dh agreed with me but thought we should overlook her which I did for awhile. Well with all her blunt comments about her and dh's relationship not being so innocent, and the only reason he married me was because she refused to marry him and then trying to sue me for something I had nothing to do with. In my eyes it was past time to set her straight, but dh thought i was just trying to cause trouble and should overlook her. Was even gone to give her money to help her out because he felt sorry for her. I wasn't my fault I wasn't anywhere around her.

Well I thought he promised not to associate with her anymore. That was a lie come to find out he was stopping at her brother house knowing she would be there, but I'm suppose to believe he didn't have a choice but to talk to her because he couldn't be rude.Then I find out dh got her db job with him was taking him to and from work because he had lost his license over dui's.which meant he would see her ever morning and evening.Then found out she was hanging around at dh's job all day supposedly to talk to her brother and dh couldn't do anything about that so he had to talk to her. Well next thing you know she weasels into the job working closest with dh.

i really wonder if db is a cover for her and dh.Dh promised not to talk to her anymore then he had to and she probably wouldn't last long she's never held a job over a few weeks.Ok next thing you know the boss calls to see what happened this girl left work 3 hrs. early one day. Dh covered for her and then called her house to tell her what to say so she didn't get fired. That doesn't sound like he wants her out of there.

We had to get a cell phone just so I can get ahold of dh in case of an emergency. Dh came home one day and was all upset with me because she told him the school had called for hm to get dd#1 because I wouldn't answer the phone. That was a flat out lie. I'm the one that left that message. A few day later dh comes home and say she told him the boss oredered her not to answer the phone or tell dh when I called.

I called her to see if she was gone to tell me the same thing because I've know the boss and his family for along time and that didn't sound like him. Well she told me the same thing and said another guy overheard. Well I told dh to ask the boss, he wouldn't do it,I told him ask the other man. He said he did and that guy said he didn't know anything but he didn't think that guy would say anything if he had. I can understand that.Anyways dh wouldn't ask the boss so I did. He called here one day so I asked him if there was a problem with me calling out there for dh. He said he's thought he's told me that anytime I needed dh or just wanted to talk to him to just call. He knew dd was sick and would never do that.Well I told dh what the boss said, but he still brings it up and says he really thinks the boss said that because he didn't think she would just make it up.

One day it was just me and him in the car. sked him what he wanted to talk about. He was quiet for a few min. then started talking about how upset this girl was over her brother getting drunk and not showing up for work.

I really think there is more gone on then he'll admit to, but don't know what to do about it.I wish I knew without a doubt what is gone through his head. Dh is the type that will let people walk all over him, she's his best friends sister and I know how she is so can't take anything she says or does for a fact, and he has always been close to her whole family and I know he feels sorry for them.

What really gets me is I'm suppose to think he's innocent and I'm the one thats trying to be controlling while I set back and watch her controll him. He doesn't care much for his boss anymore and used to be people were surprised to find out they weren't father and son. He doesn't talk to the people that we both have in common anymore.Even came home one day and thought we should take dd to a certain dr. becasue ours couldn't find out what was wrong and this girl said this dr. would know.

I can either just leave or ride it out and see what happens.I really think we could work it out if he would get her out of his life but don't think thats gone to happen. I could get her fired, wouldn't be hard I could have already done it,but I don't think that will stop her from hanging around him.He needs to be the one to stop it before I think I'll be satisfied.Ok I'm rambling I just feel so stupid for staying but don't want to split the family if I'm just being jealous and he's innocent, but then he should be taking up for me and our marriage if he really loves me.

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:55pm
Okay, I don't mean to sound harsh here but your DH is either blind as a bat or his is already sleeping with her. The question is do you really want to know. I have had friends that just didn't want to know. Even though everyone else knew about it, she just didn't want to believe it so she didn't. But if you want to know, you need to do what you can to find out right now. Because if it hasn't happened yet, she is not far from making the move. Talk to people at his work. An office affair is always well known to everyone. Find someone who will tell you the truth.

Then sit down with Dh and talk it out. Make a list of everything that has happen. If he still insists that he just is being nice and doesn't want to be rude. Then you need to tell him that her plan is to have him be nice all the way to her bed. And you refuse to sit around and wait for the day that he cheats on you. You want to see him fight for this marriage and to remove himself from her and her family. If he refuses then let him know that he has already chose she over you. Draw your line in the sand and be willing to back it up.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your DH's eyes will be opened to her deceitful actions and he will turn and run home to you.

Let us know what you decide to do and how it works out.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 7:46pm
I so completely agree. Your DH has already chosen her over you while you sit back because you don't want to be the controlling b*&^h. Sorry, but it is your right to be the controlling b*(&^h in this situation because his loyalties have changed. Make a list, write it out and you will see. I also agree that you need to do some detective work. Is he always where he says he is going to be? Are there large chunks of unaccounted for time? Would it be possible to have a friend check up on his whereabouts when he isn't where he said he was going to be? Make a plan to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that he has lied to you, and you don't trust him anymore. Have all the evidence on hand, and tell him that he has to make a choice, and tell him exactly what that entails. That it won't be easy, and it will require some immediate changes and a lot of work with no second chances. If he lies to you again about this chick, your are out of there. Your plan should also include what you will do if he chooses not to stay because that is a possibility, or if he doesn't change even though he says that he will.

You deserve so much better than this. There is a board that might be helpful that I think is called the Betrayed spouse's support board.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 9:01am
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Edited 4/9/2003 9:10:17 AM ET by msfit777

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 9:04am
I think the other posters, CL2-and1more and Pamme, could be wrong about this. It is possible that he's just like you said - he's a softie and lets people walk all over him. Non-confrontational. Would rather make peace than confront problems. As I see it, he values his friendship with the chick's brother and their family - and to maintain that, he tolerates her intrusion. So they had an affair once - maybe he still feels guilty for dumping her?

I see no hard evidence in your post that he is cheating on you, or that he is about to. What IS clear is that chickie definitely has her sights set on HIM at all costs, and will stop at nothing until she gets him in her bed. I also see that the whole affair could be causing problems for DH's work, especially if you continue calling his boss and co-workers asking about his whereabouts and whether or not he's having an affair with chickie. To make matters worse, if you get her fired - what will the result be? One thing: DH will be pissed as H**l at you for doing it; and so it will be DH, chickie and DH's best friend, all against YOU. There is some hope that she will lose the job anyway - let her dig her own grave.

My advice: Just sit down with DH and let him know how much this issue upsets and worries you, and that he HAS to make a choice: You or chickie. This man has GOT to take a stand somewhere - on his own. You can't do it for him. He has to make it clear to chickie that she'd better BACK OFF or he will have to turn his back on her whole family, including his best friend, to stop her intrusions and save his marriage. Sorry to say, it has come to that.

Please post back and let us know how it turns out.


                  &nbs

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 8:33pm
I think you should reread your last line of your post. It says a lot and I totally agree with it. He could be totally blind and I have met a lot of men like that and then again he may be cheating. I would sit down with him( heck you two take a night out) and talk this through. let him know how this makes you feel and how much it hurts. Let himknow you love and care for him just that you can't keep going like this. Yes, he may be a softy but the line must be drawn. Be open minded and hearted. I knw this can be a troubling time no one should have to go through this, but many of us do.I truely believe that in the end the truth will come out. Too much has been done and said around you alls friends for them not to tell eventually if something has or is happening now. I think I would take me a little trip for myself even if it is a night at a hotel in the next town just to think about what I wanted and how to approach this. I really think it sounds like you need a break from this to totally understand what you want and then you could go to him with your thoughts all sorted out and ready to talk to him. When you talk though try not to talk out of anger, it causes many more troubles than it helps. Hang in there and remember we are always here for ya!! Let us know how you are doing ok? Until then~~~~~Michelle
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 9:38pm
You already know in your gut what your asking everyone else to confirm. DON'T IGNORE YOUR INSTINCTS!! People don't lie about certain situations unless they feel they have done something wrong. If everything were totally innocent with this girl, you would already know everything there is to know about the situation, because HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU THE INFORMATION FREELY. Put his A$$ in line, demand respect, or leave his cheatin butt.