What to think....any advice??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
What to think....any advice??
12
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 2:19pm
Hello everyone. I need some advice on what to think about what is going on with my sister. First of all let me start off by saying that she is known by everyone to be on the self centered side, which up until last night I guess I just ignored so it never bugged me. I mean, it did but I guess I just learned to just let her words and actions go in one ear and straight out the other. She is 7 years older then me and has always held that over me. She has always treated me like I was her little slave, even now when I'm going on 26 and she is 32. She has always expected me to be there for her no matter what, but yet in return she has never helped me with anything and she treats her friends more like sisters to her then me. She tells them everything while telling me nothing. She goes to them with everything while I'm just this little nobody.

Everything that happens to me that is good it happened to her and was better. My BF and I went on a vacation for our one year anniversary and all she did was critizied our destination and talk about where her and her husband are going for their one year. Granted went went to a little city that was only 5 hours from where we live for the weekend and they are going to a tropical paradise for a honeymoon they never had, but we are saving money and trying to get a good start in life...they just don't care about saving anything and spend spend spend. My BF and I are trying to get our debits paid off and finish school before we get married instead of struggling after like they are now. Marriage is hard enough without adding financial problems or school problems in the mix.

Anyways, up until now I have taken everything with a grain of salt and have not held any resentment nor bad feelings towards her, even when she hurt my feeling on plenty of occiasions, but last night might have been the last straw for me. She is unable to have kids because of a rather embarrassing lifestyle when she was in her teens and early 20's. She was always the wild child of the family and rebeled against my parents from the day she was born. It 100% is pyshically impossible for her to have kids without invitro and even with the invitro her chances are very slim. Last night her husband was talking to my BF about them having a child. Her husband told my BF that "Well her infirtility runs in the family and she (meaning me) too will have to have invitro too." Which is total bull. She can't have kids because of the numerous STD's that she had when she was younger, not because of anything in our genes. I am perfectly healthy and am able to get pregnant without any problems. I'm really hurt that she brought me down and made me look like I have this problem when I don't and included me in her lie to him.

I just don't understand how to handle all of this. She is not the type that anyone can talk to about anything. She always has been that type of "I'm right and everyone else in wrong" and rebels against any kind of critizium even if it's good. You tell her not to jump and she says watch me. I feel sometimes that I just want to be seperated from her for awhile. I don't think that she would even really miss me because she has her "best friend" a girl that she used to work with around all the time. I'm just getting to the point where I don't want to even be around her. She always tells people how close we are but in reality we are such polar opposites that we could never be really close. And, even when we are getting along and having fun together, something will happen and she'll say or do something bad to me.

I guess I'm just looking for any comments that anyone might have or maybe if someone else is going through something similar. I'm about at the end of my rope. Thank you in advance for any thoughts anyone has and thank you for reading.

Showinhorses

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Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 3:14pm
People tells me: there are just the two of you, but you guys have huge fights like cat and mouse! Hmmm! I wonder why that is? But alot of people are best buddies with their older sisters. I know what you're talking about. She's 5yrs. older than me, and all my life she made me inferior. Two reason: she's unhappy of what you've become, your accomplishements, and she's JEALOUS.

My sister treated me the same way she had treated her children. The oldest finally figured out sis have done this to me before. She's grown up now and woke up to LET HER MOM go on her way, and neice to move on w/out her mom's apron strings.

Tell your sister: to get respect, she needs to give one. It's too bad that's rubbing off to her husband. Wonder how long that marriage gonna last.

Good luck to you. Don't let holidays get you down. Don't let your older sister have POWER over you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 3:57pm
Let me start off by saying that I am 26 years old as well. I have an older sister who is 28. We have a very strained relationship because of how she treated me as a child, adolescent, and even adulthood. I was her slave as a child and this grew into verbal abuse as an adolescent and she has tried to do this into adulthood. Bullies do not know or understand the extent of their damage.

My sister has one best friend who is more like a sister as well. I can only imagine what has been said behind my back. I told her I don't care what she says behind my back just don't talk s**t to my face. I have made excellent decisions in life, and from your post I believe you have too.

That is very big of you to not hold any resentment towards your sister. To include you in her lie about infertility, is absolutely maddening. I would not put up with this. I suggest telling your boyfriend the truth about her lie. I also suggest not confronting your siter about this though. It is her business what she does and does not want to tell her husband (as long as she is not giving him STD's).

I have made peace with the fact that my sister and I will never be close. Honestly, why would you want to be close with your sister? She has done nothing good for you, and probably never will. My sister calls me every now and then and we update eachother on our lives. That is the extent of our relationship, and it will never ever go beyond that.

Put some distance between you and her, and make this a permanent distance until you have good reason to include her in your life. This will most likely never happen.

thanks for letting me vent



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 4:06pm
Thank you leslie2353. I guess I never looked at the whole jealous possibility, mostly because I've never been that type of person to say, "I'm so lucky, people are jealous of me" and sound conceded. (SP? hehe) Maybe it's there in a small way though. As I said before she was always the wild child and rebeled against my parents. I, on the other hand was the good child. I never missed curfew, they always knew where I was and who I was with. Sure I went to parties in high school and got drunk sometimes, but I was that girl who called her parents for a ride home instead of driving. She dropped out of high school, moved out when she was 17 and lived with a drug dealer and a topless dancer. Even though I am divorced now I was married at 20 and bought a home. She has had financial trouble from the time she first moved out and although I have some debit I am very responsible with my money....so responsible that I'm running my parents business for them right now. I pretty much was spoiled too while I was growing up, however she would have been too if she would have just listened to them and wouldn't have been so rebelious.

I guess my question is how do I get rid of this situation?? What do I do?? I can't talk to her about it. She would take it wrong and blow up. Do I just deal with it like I have been and let things go?? I would think that the truth would come out in the end. I mean, when I do get married (again) and start having children it's going to be known to her husband that I "can" have kids without help. Course, she'll probably just tell him that I must not have gotten the gene defect that she said we both had. So what is to be done??

Well again, thank you leslie2353 and any others who reply. I could use all the advice I can get.

Showinhorses

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 4:25pm
Thank you danielly3877. We must have posted a message at the same time, I was giving more details about the situation and after it posted I saw yours. Hey...you can vent anytime you want too. :D That's what this place is for and I have no problem with it.

My sister has never verbal abused me or anything like that, she just sort of treats me like I'm there for her convience. She was in charge for this Halloween Haunted House project for her work and she needed volunteers to scare kids. It was like she just assumed I would play something and when I told her I couldn't because I was going out of town she got a huffy. (That's when she started the whole one year vacation thing that I mentioned in the first post.) The thing is, she just thinks that I'll always be there for anything, but has she ever once volunteered her time for my horse shows or events....no. That's where her self centereness comes in to play.

I don't think that her or her "best friend" aka "the sister she never had" have talked about me. I know that the girl doesn't like me though. We've butted heads before when one night after she saw her BF and I talking about a concert my BF and I went too, she grabbed my BF and was trying to freak dance with him. He broke free from her and walked away. It was almost like she was threating me or something. I didn't do or say anything, but to this day I just don't talk to her. About the infertility thing too, my BF does know the truth. I made damn sure of that. Also, she no longer has any of the STD's, they are all gone. It's just the scars from them are what is hindering her from having a child.

Well, hopefully people will keep posting. I would love to hear more imput. Thanks again danielle3877.

Showinhorses

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 12:32am
Hi! I read with interest about all the older sisters, mainly because I came to this website looking for some insight into my younger sister's mind. Before I get rolled into the category with other older sisters, I'm hoping we can help each other. First, let me say that although I was also the trouble maker/rebel, I spent a great deal of time grounded to my room for my behavior. And I teased my sister (both of them, as well as my brothers), but I never hurt her physically or or did the things you list.

I think the assertion that your sister is jealous is correct, but furthermore there is competition. As much as I wish it weren't true, there seems to be an unspoken competition going on between women, and sisters in particular. Who has the best husband? Who lives in the nicest house? Who drives the newest cars? Who goes on the best vacations? Who has the most polite kids, who has the perfect life -- the most "normal" life, etc., etc.

It's amazing how kids raised in the same way, by the same people can turn out so differently, but I guess that's one of the few ways we can all be unique. The hardest thing to realize (and put into practice) is that everyone is just different, and accept their choices as perfect to them. The trouble comes when it crosses your doorstep, and you have to deal with it. At some point, you become equals and birth order gets shoved by the wayside -- or at least it should. Don't feel guilty if you're not at her beck and call. If she gets huffy, too bad. Harboring bad feelings can be her choice. Screen your calls, unless you really want to talk to her. And if you get the golden opportunity, tell her, "You know, we can go on like this, or we can start treating each other more respectfully -- like adults." Sure, she'll get huffy (no surprise there)and deny any problems, but ask her this and tell her not to answer until she really thinks about it: "If I died tomorrow, what would you regret?" My husband calls this my "Death Bed Thinking" but it seems to help me figure out what's really important, and what can be disposed of.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the family troubles could be resolved before the holidays? I wish you luck, and an inproved relationship with your sister!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 1:45am
You have an incredible optimism, I wish my older sister thought the same as you! My sister has only told me she loves me once (she refuses to hug me as well). Maybe the death-bed talking works for you, but my sister would consider this fuel for some fire.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 7:22pm
Older sisters have to get pretty old before any of this makes sense. You all are in your 20's, right? I'm 42, I have a sister who is 41, and one who is 40. There have been numerous family rollercoasters to ride, and plenty of hard realities to see each other through. But also alot of high points. I know as an older sister that I have not liked every point made by my younger sisters, and it's only maybe in the last 5 years that I chose to listen and think about their feelings before replying to them. Sometimes things have resonated in my head for months, causing change not only in my relationships with them, but in other areas as well.

At this point, they feel that they can take for granted that you will always be there to submit to their whims, and never cross them. But they will grow up, the light bulb will flicker a few times before it stays on for good and they'll realize that they've been mistreating you for a long time. Maybe they won't admit it, but they will feel it.

Talk to me about younger sisters a bit. My youngest sister is an exhausting woman. No conversation is short or simple. It is excruciating, the way she disects every detail of every meal or event! She calls for advice, and at every suggestion she says, "Yeah, but ..." Why call? Just to beat someones brains out for 3 hours and not like or use a single suggestion? When something comes up and the family needs to come up with a concensus, she always says, "I'll go with the flow." Then when she doesn't like the decision, she throws a fit, saying no one ever considers her opinion! What does "go with the flow" mean? It seems like we operate out of two different dictionaries. All my life, when this sister cries, everything stops. Well, she's flippin' 40, and raising two little girls (not to mention a boy who is 7 and still bends over every morning to have his butt washed with a wipe, freshly warmed in the microwave!!!) who are carbon copies of herself -- they have screamed through many a family get together while she jumps through hoops to make them happy, and they usually have to just leave.

My 4 year old has never made me witness to a single tantrum, thankfully, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope with her. With the holidays coming, she kicks into high gear. Sure, I'll screen the calls. But is there some perspective anyone can give me on her?

Thanks, and good night!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 1:24am
I agree with the other posters, that Jealously is probably driving her attitude towards you. Bethca this started at a very young age, when she was being punished for some wild behavior, while you were getting rewarded for good behavior. And so the pattern continued... she probably thinks your parents treat you with favoritism and have always treated her as "less."

It's too bad some people can never learn to take responsibility for their own actions (like your sis), so therefore can never learn to improve. Instead, they seek a scapegoat or something/someone else to blame their misfortunes on.

Classic example: Your sister's STDs. She cannot face the fact that SHE alone is responsible for this fact of her life; and it appears (can this be true?) she cannot confess the true reasons for her infertility to her husband. Maybe she picked on the "genetic" problem to explain it away so she wouldn't have to face her own poor choices in life.

It's good your BF knows the truth, but I wouldn't confront your sister about it in the presence of her husband. Like Danielle said, what goes on between your sis and her DH is their business. And anyways, time will tell. Once you have a child of your own, the *genetic* problem becomes only *her* problem.

BTW, since genes are passed down to our children, just how is it possible for an "infertility" gene to be passed down at all? boggles the mind, it does... Like which came first: the chicken or the egg? I suppose that's possible if it's a recessive gene, but common sense says this gene would eventually fade into oblivion - because the only way for it to be dominant - like red hair - is if both parents passed on the recessive gene - thereby making the child infertile and unable to pass on any genes at all... So the chances that two children in the same family to exhibit the *infertility* gene would be about a zillion to one. Sorry, I don't buy the *genetic* story, and believe that anyone who ever paid attention in high school biology class wouldn't buy it, either. Darwin certainly would debunk that theory in a heartbeat.

Anyways, I hope it all works out. Just keep your chin up, your self-confidence high, and others will see through your sister's antics - if they haven't already. Best of luck to you.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 2:50am
Leslie,

I really believe what you wrote is true. I have a friend who is in her early 40's, and she has a youmger sister. My friend told me that she never valued her sister's opinion until a few years ago. So, I suppose I have a long way to go before the lightbulb will flicker to the on position with my sister.

Also, my sister has a similar complaint about myself, she does not like the way I talk. In fact she will not let me finish my sentences, she tries to finish my sentences and says the wildest craziest things, things that would never come out of my mouth. It is absolutely maddening, it is as if she thinks I am a totally different person. It totally perplexes me. I recently told her something like, "if that's what you think of me, then you have absolutely no idea who I am." Also, "what in my 26 years have I done to make you think such a thing?" I will never understand her.

Grrrrrr.....

It was very interesting to hear from you persepective though

thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 8:31pm
You are so right! You know what's the hardest thing to understand? While all the disagreeing and misunderstanding (and belittling, and lying)is going on, you're thinking, "Why can't we be like all the other sisters in the world and have this fabulous relationship?" I think the actual percentage of sisters who really are best friends is pretty small, and that's sad. I also find it amazing that kids who grow up with the same parents, in the same house, with the same family experiences all find a way to be completely different! My two sisters and two brothers and I can talk about something from when we were kids, and every one of us remembers it a little differently. I think sibs tend to think that because they were in the same house, thinking should be parallel. I find the same thing with my youngest sister that you experience with yours. Anytime we attempt to finish a thought for eachother, we're wrong. And it's frustrating.

As an older sister, I wish for all you younger sisters the realization that you are beautiful, you are intelligent and you deserve to be recognized as such, and respected. Separate your opinion of yourself from the way your sister treats you. Everything you say and do causes ripples, and the same goes for her. Let her ripples be bad ones if that's all she's compelled to put forth; try to ignore them. Flashes of the Big Picture are on the way. Gravitate toward your friends -- there's a reason for the saying, "We choose our friends, but we're stuck with our family." Go on your merry way, enjoy your life, and in all likelihood, the biggest lesson your big sister will learn will be from YOU!!

Good Luck, Ladies!

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