What would you do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
What would you do??
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 10:29am
When I was 13 a friend left home and my family took her in and she lived with us basically until she went to university.My parents introduce her as their daughter.

I have a lot of issues with her due to the way she acts and treats people but because of the family connection and history I remain friends with her.

Anyways here is the problem.. a couple of months ago she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years and a week later met a new guy "fell in love" and a week later got engaged and moved in with him, in a different country! She has always been flighty and done things without really thinking about the long term. It was his idea to get married, and since she doesnt have a work visa she had no money and has to depend on him for everything.

She has told me stories that she thinks are hilarious but I find alarming

-he goes through the phone bill and demands to know who she has called

-he doesnt like her talking to guys, even if they are his friends!

-a female friend of hers was sitting on her lap and he got upset and jealous(as she said he doesnt discriminate!)

-he likes to party and when ever he drinks he falls down.

he wants to get married asap, but i get the feeling she doesnt, she hasnt told her mother, and doesnt want to invite her parents and she refers to it as her party.

I finally met him and he was really nice, and really bonded with his family. then in the car home he drank rum straight out of the bottle(he wasnt driving) and was yelling out the window at people. Stuff I would expect from a teenager.

I have tried to be supportive, telling her that marriage is a big decision and encouraging her to wait, but were in our mid 20's and i just wonder at what point do I say point blank that she shouldnt be getting married to him? Her whole reasoning for getting married is that they are in love!! Love is fine and dandy but what about the rest of it? Do I just wait and hope she figures it out herself? She even said to me that she always falls for the same immature manchilds, shes a phd student so its not like shes not smart, I just think she doesnt want to grow up. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 1:58pm
I think it's her mistake to make. At this point it doesn't sound like anything u say to her will make a whole lot of difference, I think its great that u care enough about her to try and talk her out of it but I think it sounds like she will just figure it all out herself. Most likely it wont work out but hey, maybe it will. If I were in ur shoes I would not intervene because there's no way u will convince her 100%. Also I think the fact that she is in her mid 20s is important here I mean...if she was 18 it might be a little bit different cuz maybe u could tell her parents (ur parents) and see what influence they might have...but even then I don't think it would stop her from the sound of ur story. Good luck! Rhiannon
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 2:37pm
The bigger part of the problem for me is that she seems to mainly want to do it so she can have a big party that is all about her, its not about the union of two people, she just wants to have a big kegger where she invites everyone she has ever met for a big drunk fest. For her its all about how much attention she can get and obviously getting married would bring her a lot of attention.

I dont even really want to talk her out of it, I would like to point out the facts. But in the past when I have brought up issues I have with her her attitude was basically

"well I dont see it like that so it doesnt exsist." Several of her good friends have tried talking to her about things that bothered them ie: getting stood up, binge drinking, acting like a child etc, and that was her basic response, that and literally running away from you, seriously.

Gosh if I was dealing with an 18 year old I could probably talk some sense into her, unfortunatly my friend is exactly the same as she was when we were 15!

I know there are people who meet, get married fast and live happily ever after, but I also think that those people know they have to work hard at it and that being married isnt some big long party.

Thanks for your thoughts, Ill probably just stand by and cringe;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 3:26pm
Whoa she sounds like she has way bigger probs than I even imagined! That is sad :-( And I am sorry u have to watch, it would b like watching a train wreck I bet! Rhiannon
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 10:47pm
Tell her not to get married. If she does, make sure it's IN HER HOMETOWN, NOT OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY. Outside the country, no one will be able to help her, I can sense it would be a very rocky marriage, with him drinking and all. Also, in other countries, there are no laws like we have in the States, they don't PROTECT WOMEN, and there are NO DIVORCES. She may end up living with just the clothes on her back, if she's lucky to have those too. Think of her future children, she may not be able to bring them WITH HER, if she end up wanting to run from him. This is a bad situation she's in. But you can't help her, it's up to her to AVOID THIS MAN herself. Marriage is not the answer, he's NOT IN LOVE WITH HER. Maybe she's infactuated and thinks she's in love WITH HIM, but he's already controlling her by asking too many questions like you mentioned. If she starts out with NO MONEY, she'll end up with NO MONEY. ABUSIVE MEN are very charming, and NICE in front of other people, but DANGER lurks within those walls when THEY'RE ALONE. Please go read my neighbor's abuse when no one even knew what this guy have done to his wife of 8yrs.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 12:15am
If a person doesn't want to grow up, there's little you can do to knock some sense into them. Sounds like your friend is *stuck* at the maturity level of a 15yo and can't get past that. Sorry to say, with these kinds of people, they generally have to hit *rock bottom* before they see the light. Meanwhile, all you can do is stand by ready to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.

... still waiting for that eye-opening experience that will make my 25yo step-daughter grow past her 15yo maturity level, as well.

I wondered as I read your post, what has happened to this girl during her childhood, esp. early teen years before she came to live with your family, to cause her development to stop at that stage?

Nothing short of therapy, or a life-threatening event, will jump-start her maturity development again.

Good luck to you, and I hope she delays the wedding until her brain catches up with her heart.