What would you do? Would you go or not?

Avatar for chicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
What would you do? Would you go or not?
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:11pm
Sorry is long. I have a cousin who is separated (not divorced yet, only separated) from her husband; they have been separated for about 5 months now. They have a 7rd old daughter. My sister is the best best friend of my cousin and because of that my sister supports my cousin and agrees in anything my cousin do or does not do and viceversa, even if it is the wrong thing, but my sister is always have been there for her not just now but for some years now. They are very very close.

The husband of my cousin since they got married, he has earn the care and love of my family (aunts, cousins, etc) because he has been a good guy, humble, helpful, working, generous, always think for others rather than for himself, etc. because of that relationship he has had for the family and viceversa over the years, for the family is very difficult to treat him otherwise just because he is separated from my cousin. We are treating him the same and vice versa, and we don’t care what his wife says, even if my cousin is blood related relative. I mean the guy has earn the honor to be cared and love by us but the way he has been with us, so it is difficult that overnight, we treat him differently, if you what I mean. My cousin is upset with the family because we continue to treat him as if nothing has happened between them, my cousin wants the family to stop speaking to him or at least treat him like we have always treated him. I mean, the problems are between them, not with the family why should we do it? My cousin says that it is unbelievable that we care more about him than her, since she is family, he is just an in-law. The family says it is not that, it is simple that it is hard that we shut him out of the family just like that because those two have marital problems, those are not our problems, one thing has nothing to do with the other and besides they both have a 7yrd old daughter, who is family to us. My cousin does not want the family to continue to have conversations or relations with her husband, she says it is not fair because it is wrong that if in the long run they get divorce, we continue to invite him to drink coffee over the house or to family gatherings, because it is very uncomfortable for her. I mean the family knows that we won’t invite him when we invite her to gatherings or vice versa, if we want him to visit us for any reason it will be when his wife is not around, so they don’t see each other and at least one of them comes. But even in that way, my cousin does not like the family to even consider him or continue to talk to him. Don’t you think she is very selfish? That was just a summary so you might understand the situation regarding the question I posted. Every year all the family (cousins, aunts, etc) during the Easter week, we visit our grandmother who lives away from downtown and lives close to the beach. So we spend a week together in family, we go and take trips to the family farm, ride horses, go to the beach, etc, we spend a nice time during that week. This year for my cousin and her husband is going to be difficult, because if one goes to my grandma’s house the other wont go and vice versa. The difference about my cousin’s husband is that he does not even mind that her wife is present in any gathering, for him it is indifferent, the only thing to do is to be away from her and don’t develop any kind of conversation, stay as far as possible, but for my cousin is different, the only presence of him, makes her uncomfortable, she is prouder than him. I mean the guy has always been a very nice person, he is not an abuser, hasn’t hit his wife ever, he treats her daughter with lots of love, etc. but the reason for the separation only is between him and his wife, the family does not have to know anything about it and does not have to care.

Because of my sister is the best friend of my cousin, she will do anything to be there with our cousin. This year my sister wont go to the farm either, but the family did not know the reason why, we thought it was because she had something else to do during that week, until now. My sister wont go because our cousin’s husband will go to the farm so in solidarity with our cousin and because my sister is very very close to our cousin, she wont go to the farm this year. I told my sister that how come she won’t go, the problems are between our cousin and her husband, she has nothing to do with it but my sister got upset and told me that our cousin is her best and dear friend, she will do anything for her, so she wont go either to make solidary with our cousin, who wont go because her husband will go. My sister since it is my cousin best friend is also upset with our cousin’s husband, she does not speak to him, unlike the rest of the family that do speak with him, not that often as before, but for the rest of the family, anything has changed.

Just my opinion but I think my sister is making a big deal out of it, just because our cousin wont go, she wont go either to support our cousin and my sister has nothing to do with our cousin’s problems. I mean, is not that our cousin is feeling very sad because of this, she acts and seems OK. I mean when the separation was fresh, she seem sad about it, but now she is Ok, acts OK, I don’t see her any sad or depressed about it, she is even going to the psychologist so I don’t see her depressed or anything in order my sister not to go just because of her. My sister gets even upset when the family speaks or has any kind of contact with the husband. My sister does not have to mind about that, that is the family decision, it is not my sister’s decision.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:19pm
My goodness! That is quite a story - a simple statement of incompatibility would have sufficed. Sorry you went to all the trouble of telling the story.

OK - now that's out in the open, here's my humble opinion:

You're absolutely right about it being none of the family's business - he has not endangered your cousin, and she has not endangered him - it's simply an issue of they could not get along and work out their differences.

So what would I do? I'd tell your cousin that she was a selfish and immature brat to have refused to move to the other town because she'd miss her friends, etc. etc... No, wait a minute. That's none of your business, right? Well, I'd tell her off anyway. But that's me - sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong.

Really, sounds like your cousin is being unfair to the family. They have a daughter, which means the ex WILL be on the family sidelines for at least the next 11 years or so, whether the cousin likes it or not. You can inform your cousin that he WILL be invited to SOME family functions (should limit this to larger functions including friends as well - not the small, close-knit family celebrations, like Christmas morning), and she'd better just get a grip on herself and get over it. Let her throw her hissy-fit, but eventually she'll either learn to cope or disassociate herself from the family. That is her choice.

You cannot let your cousin's emotions rule the family's decisions. I'd say the best thing to do is to decide among yourselves what is the RIGHT and HONORABLE thing to do, and just go ahead and do it. Let the pieces fall where they may.

Good luck and God's grace to you and all of your family - especially to your cousin's beautiful little girl. And let us know how it all turns out!



Avatar for chicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 10:37pm
Well, as my mother said perhaps because the situation is fresh my cousin is still vulnerable, as the time goes by, she will start to mind less what her husband do or does not do.

TSince my cousin does not earn a lot of money in her work, and she is not rich, the husband still pays the daughter's education and he still pays the rent of the apartment my cousin and daugter lives.

I mean my sister went thru a divorce as well, that is why she understand more my cousin than anyone else in the family. What my sister also agrees with the cousin is that it is not normal to continue invite her soon to be ex, to gatherings, because he will be EX, he no longer is part of the family and he no longer will be her husband. The only bond is the daughter, but that is different.

My mother corrected me about my cousin and her mother. The one upset with my cousin is the mother is not the other way around so becuse of that my cousin no longer wants to speak to her because her mother does not want to make an effort to talk to her daughter so because of that the cousin decided not to speak to her.

I mean teh family knows what my cousin is going thru but we dont butt in in a way that we go and tell her what to do or not to do, even if we know there are things that she does is not right.

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 3:11pm
Ok I am a little confused let me see if I get this right and if I am wrong please don't hold what I say against me LOL. The DH took a job out of town? She didn't want to go so she stayed back in their place? He would come home on the weekends? When he got vacation time he would stay out of town? When he lost his job he came back home and wanted things to be the way they were before he left?

Here is where I can see your cousins side. Yes- she should have moved when he asked her to when the job came along first. I am sure he took the job in order to provide better for his wife and child. Two people make a marriage work and when one is away the other is left to handle it all. The DH should have taken his vacation time and came home to his wife and child instead of staying away. Was there a reason for this? Also I don't think he should've came home and "demanded" things from the home. I can see where she took offense. As for her going out and leaving her child with relatives, we all need a break and when we get one we should take it. It helps us be better parents and let's are kids have a breather from us too. I am not saying she should go out every night just once in awhile. As for the knowing how things can get disrupted and fights starting. My DH in the military and when he has been gone for awhile and then BOOM he is home things usually hit the fan. I am used to doing things my way and he comes home and wants things to go back the way they were before he left, but he understands when he is gone things have to change to make them work. If they didn't they would all fall apart. No we don't change allbut we have to change some.

The extra helped a little, but I would still have him over just take care when you do. Think about what is appropriate and what he should't be invited to. I hoep I understood this right. Hang in there and keep us updated~~~~~~~Michelle