What is wrong with my mom? (Very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
What is wrong with my mom? (Very long)
8
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 1:19pm

I've lived out west for 12 years, not near to any family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 2:43pm

Sienna76,

I feel for your family's struggle with these very difficult issues. Your feelings are completely justified. I also

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 2:57pm
Thank you so much for your reply and taking the time to read my vent. You actually make me tear up at my desk at work! We do have very similar situations. Your words are so comforting.

I've offered to pay for her therapy sessions, she needs them. I've gone myself a few years ago to get out of a dysfunctional marriage, uncover some childhood stuff.

She went a few times to a therapist, but tells us that the therapist agrees with her - that we're all the crazy ones.

I can tell her a love her and love her from afar. I'll look up dementia.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 3:18pm
First of all, I'm sorry to hear that your father is so ill.

I've heard that Xanax can sometimes cause paranoia usually, when one has taken it for an extended amount of time and then tries to scale back without medical supervision. Perhaps this is where she's getting the idea that others are "out to get her"? I know you love your mom and want her to be there, however, I also struggle with anxiety in very large social settings so I see her side of the coin as well. Why don't you just say to her: "Mom, I would love for you to be at my wedding however, if you just can't do it, I won't hold it against you."? Do you think you could find it in your heart to let it go were she to pass on attending the wedding? Honestly, you are going to be rather stressed on your wedding day without her there...she might inadvertently add to the stress, anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 3:27pm

Yes, I thought about giving her an "out." It's obviously too much for her to handle for some reason - travel, my happiness, who she's going to stay with. In fact, I would almost rather she not come because it would be easier for everyone involved. The path of least resistance. Would I hold it against her? I'd try my best for it not to. She can visit me at a later time, but yes it will be odd.

One caveat: I think she will take it as, "You don't want me there, I see."
Second caveat: I'm not supposed to know some of this stuff my sisters shared with me, like her current decision to not go at all.

Do you think I should still email her? Email is best, I cannot say this on the phone with her.

With the Xanax, she was never on it regularly. She'd take 1-2 if she were hosting dinner with all us girls there, or when one of us "bugs her." She said she only needs it because of us!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 3:39pm

Paranoia is actually a classified mental illness so, if it's not the Xanax causing it, it could be paranoia, and not depression as you have hypothesized.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 3:55pm

OK, I will muster up some courage and tell her with all my heart and sympathy that she can opt out and it will be OK, it it really would save her. I will be as sweet and polite as can be. I'm going to have to fake it though. I'll need a gin and tonic first. LOL

Someone else posted that I should just not talk about any wedding stuff, divert the conversation if she gets negative, and send her an invte.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 5:49pm

the couch therapist in me is social anxiety disorder, depression, and jealously.

I agree w/ not coddling her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 6:03pm
Both of my sisters are pregnant and both due in March. Wedding is in July. They both are bringing their 4 month olds, yep flying!

First born for one sister, and 6th child for the other sister (4 are step children). The sister with one child agreed to let mom sleep in her cabin, but if mom wants to go tour Yellowstone after with the other sister, she can travel with the other sister (she is renting a mini van for her brood) but then get her own hotel room.

You are right it's not my problem to figure out. She has all the tools to figure it out. I've made an extensive wedding website with everything you could imagine to help plan travels.