When good friends tell private things

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
When good friends tell private things
1
Tue, 06-26-2012 - 1:27pm

Hello there.  I am in a real bind here and wasn't even sure where to turn.  But my heart is heavy and my mind has just been spinning for days on end, so I thought maybe getting this out would help.

My best friend has been my best friend since we were 14.  We are now both 40.  We had a time period of about 7 years where we lost touch, but now she lives just a block away from me and we are very close, as are our children.

About a year ago, I introduced my best friend to our neighbors..our right next door neighbors, who my husband and family is friends with.  So, as time has gone along, all three of us couples have become very good friends, and do many things together; including a recent weekend trip to Gatlinburg.

Here is my issue...

My best friend and my neighbor friend are getting very chummy.  And I have felt good having two close friends living so close to me and having there when I need them.  But lately, I have been feeling like a third wheel.  You know...two is company, three is a crowd.

My two friends make a lot of plans, and then ask me at the last minute...saying "oh, well you can come too, if you want".  I dont know...what kind of invite is that?  And most of the time it is at the very last second, where I dont even have a chance to change my schedule around.

So this past weekend, we all got together at the neighbors house.  The two friends were sitting together, texting each other and giggling, while I sat there, pretty much out of the loop.  I would say things and they wouldn't even reply.  Then they went inside.  I was sitting out with the hubby's and kids.  The neighbors husband said "They r inside now...you can go in if you want".

Well, I didn't.  I went home.

I sent a message on Facebook to my best friend the next morning, telling her I was upset and why.  Then I see on my neighbors facebook page that she is upset, and has been crying.  And I wonder WHY?  Just because I was a little aggrevated Saturday night and went home early?

So I texted them both and told them we needed to get together, be adults, and hash this out.  We got together last nite, and here is what happened:

 

FIRST:  My neighbor tells me she is upset at something that happened with her one of her kids and mine.  This incident happened over a month ago.  I asked my neighbor how she knew about this.  Because when the incident happened, I had told my BEST FRIEND in a private text.  So my neighbor proceeds to tell me what she knows, and the words out of her mouth are EXACTLY what I had told my best friend.

 

OK, I say this is water under the bridge, lets focus on what is going on now.  I tell them how I have felt left out.  That maybe they dont even know they are doing it, or dont mean to, but that is how I FEEL.  I spill my guts, and apoligize as well.

Then my best friend tells me..."well, I need to tell you that I forwarded all of your messages to "neighbor" so she would know why you are upset".  WHAT?  Everything I told my BF in private, she FORWARDED to someone else????

We got done talking and the air seems to be clear.  EXCEPT - my heart really hurts.  I have TWO cases now of telling my best friend something in PRIVATE and she goes and tells someone else.  This was a woman I truly felt I could trust. 

I just dont even know what to do know.  Stay friends and take my chances?  Let it go?  I have told her how hurt I am and she says we need to move on :smileysad:

The worst part is, if I pull away, it is still constantly in my face since I have to see her (BF) and her family  at my neighbors every single day.

As a side note - my BF also said she gets mad when I dont answer my texts or her calls.  OK-she does NOT have a job.  I am a Realtor.  And sometimes I am showing houses or what not and I wont answer the phone unless it is my kids.  Bottom line!

 

I am just feeling SO betrayed and sad :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2011
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 3:22pm

I know this is an older thread but I couldn't help myself.

Your "BFF" is insecure and not a true friend.

She used a classic divide and concord method on you and your neighbor. You had an established relationship with your neighbor and you had an established relationship with bff. That put you at the top of the pyramid and put your "bff" at the disadvantage of being the last one into the group.

She shifted the power in her favor by breaking up your established relationship with your neighbor. Hence sending the texts. Now your neighbor friend doesn't trust you for talking behind her back. But your neighbor friend is grateful to your bff for shedding the light on your betrayal. And you are left with no power and you are at the bottom of pyramid. You have to go along with whatever now because the BFF is running the show or be left with no friends. You BFF is showing you and the neighbor what being shunned will feel like if you don't go along with her.

I would keep things pleasant for the sake of the kids. And I would let bff and neighbor have each other. It will burn out. It takes three people for your bff to feel powerful--the 2 against one thing. And if you continue in this relationship the dynamics will keep changing. It will bff and neighbor against you then bff and you against neighbor. BFF has the power either way.

So I would let them have each other. Don't act left out. Don't act like you want to be included. Indifference wins the day.

WIthout that third wheel, your "bff" will soon tire of the neighbor and move on all together.