When To Let Things Go

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
When To Let Things Go
12
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 1:59pm
I really need help from someone. I haven't spoken to my mom since before Christmas and don't know that I should. My little brother's learning problems, my dad's temper, and my mom's Lupus occuppied most of my childhood. When I was 13 my mom's favorite cousin raped me. My parents told me I was a liar and ignored the problem. After several years of self abuse, I finally got away from my parents. I ended up in a marrige that quickly when sour.

I am now is a great relationship and have most of my life together. My mom is still the big problem in my life. She hates my boyfriend and makes no effort to hid the fact. She doesn't think he is good enough for me. Even though both her and my dad made my life horrible growing up. She kept me away from my grandfather whose was dying of cancer. She only allowed me to see him in the final month he was alive.

Back before Christmas I went to see them. My boyfriend and I had a disagreement. I thought it would be best to get some space so I planned to go to my parents' house for a few hours. When I got there my dad was in one of his horrible mood. When I told my mom what was going on, he starting yelling at me that I was worthless and stupid. He shoved me and a put my arms up to defend myself. The next thing I know he punches me in the face. I immediate left. I went home. My boyfriend called the cops and I ended up in the e.r. with a black eye and orbital fractures. Of course the cops did nothing because my mom made up some great story about how my dad was just defending himself. This has been my mom's excuse since I was little. She has the nerve to call and see if I was coming to spend Christmas with them. My boyfriend told her to leave me alone. He thought she had "done enough for me". Christmas and the next few months came and went. I made the mistake of call my grandma (mom's mom) for Mother's Day. She gave me this great guilt trip about the whole thing. I told her when my mom could act like a mom and quit making my life so difficult I would talk to her. A few weeks later my mom called me at my work number. I have no clue how she got it. She needed advise on a business matter and wanted to know if I would help her. I told her to leave me alone and hung up the phone. I have not heard from her since then.

I have let a lot of things go with my mom. But this was just the last one. My grandma says it is my place to make things right. I have spend my whole life letting my mom get away with "murder" because I love her and don't want to be a "bad daughter". But I feel there is a time to cut ties no matter who the person is. I don't feel like I am wrong or am I?

Help someone, please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 3:21pm
I think that one of the most important things you can do is to be true to yourself. You should be thinking about where your life is going and how you're going to get there...not lugging around old baggage like that. I know that family is important and that some people would say you need to honor your parents, but I believe that they have to earn your respect. There are lots of support groups that deal with dysfunctional family issues, and there are lots of self-help books that can help you to learn to feel better about yourself. That's where you have to start. You have to learn how to respect yourself and your feelings before you can hope to deal with the situation you described. I know that it's hard to cut ties, and maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you should take the time to come to terms with your childhood before you can make that decision.

Take care. Plesae let me know how you're doing.

Allison

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 4:16pm
Wow!!!! I really feel bad for your situation. Remember to find peace inside yourself and not from the people that hurt you. I don't know that I could have these people in my life, however, that is your call!!!! You can get counseling for yourself all you want but it seems as though they have the majority of the problems. Take care of YOU and move on with your life and don't allow them to keep victimizing you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 5:17pm
I am sorry you have to go through this. As the other posters said you are important and you are what you should be worrying about.

Your grandmother most likely does not know the whole story. If she does and she is still telling YOU to make it right than she is wrong. You are the one who has been victimized here, don't let anyone minimize what has happened to you.

It sounds to me that you want the wrongs that have been committed towards you to be in the very least acknowledged and/or apologized for (if I am wrong about that sorry and disregard the next paragraph).

You totally deserve that. Don't let them guilt you into thinking you don't.

The things that happened recently and in the past are not the type of things you simply can just forget about and act like nothing happened. I am not saying become a grudge holding queen but if the conditions in speaking to your mom and dad involve their acknowledging and/or apologizing then those are your terms and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

Counseling would probably be of great help to you too. Especially, since it seems that your mother will continue to deny and not deal with what has happened. Even if you don't get what you want from them maybe you can figure out how to be ok within yourself about what happened.

Good Luck

NYDitz

Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 6:00pm
((((((((Asarae))))))))

Oh my gosh, our stories are almost identical. I never thought I would meet someone who would share the same experience I just went through this year. It's amazing how similar our stories are.

I am so sorry about what happened to you. It must have been awful to be hurt like that by your father and then have your mother not defend you. I am so sorry you had to be hurt like that.

I really hope you see my post because we have been through the exact same thing this year. Anyway here is my story.

When I grew up as an only child, my father was extremely emotionally abusive. When I got out of hand he threw me on walls and grabbed me by the neck. This happened about 3 -4 times but that was enough to terrify me for the rest of my childhood. He had an awful temper and I knew that I better be the good daughter or else...He also cheated on my mother and was extremely cruel to her all her life. He constantly told me that he was only with her because of me.

So when I grew up, not knowing any better I married a guy that had a temper just like my father. We have been married for almost 7 years now. Last year, we separated because of an incident that really scared me and brought all my childhood memories crashing back. So I went home back to live with my parents because I did not have a job and I did not have anywhere to go.

Last October, after 3 months of living with my parents, my father and I had a fight because he had been saying really mean things about me. He suddenly went wild and started asking me to hit him and running after me around the room like a madman. Then he threw 3 punches at me and almost punched me out. My mother was screaming and saw it all, but she did nothing.

Well because of this I cut ties with my father and I have not spoken to him since. I still speak to my mother, but she constantly makes me feel like I should forgive him and that I am exagerating the whole thing because he did not hit me really. She does not understand that he very well could have and that that is enough for me and I do not feel safe with him. The worst part of it is that she admitted he did the same to her, but my mother is 67 and dependent on him for her every need so she feels trapped.

No one in my family is helping me through this. I tried to confide in a cousin and an aunt and they are making me feel like I am the bad guy. My father is now the victim and not me can you believe it. Also, I had to go back to my husband because I had no where else to turn to. I felt too alone. We are in counseling, but I feel so lost.

Hope you see my post.

Hugs,

Ginny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:36am
Thanks for your posting. I am sorry to hear anybody else has experienced this too. I tried to tell my grandma and she acted like I was causing problems. My family is like some weird sort of clan, they stick together as long as no one "rocks the boat". If you do that it's all over. I have gone to several theraphists but everyone tells me I shouldn't hold anything againist anyone. I just want someone to admit maybe all the things I did "wrong" has some sort of root.

I hope you find peace and thing work out. Please keep in touch.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!

CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:51am
Thanks for everyone's help! I really appreciate it. Nyditz you were right. I do want someone to at least admit something happened. It's hard to have everyone act like nothing ever happened. I forgot to post that I did try to tell my grandma and she acted like I was "trying to cause trouble". Like I stated in another posting my family is like some weird sort of clan. Once you break their little circle, you are on the outside.

I have been to see a couple of counselors but everyone keeps telling me not to hold grudges. I don't want to hold grudges. I just want someone to understand. I just try to keep in mind that we all pay for what we do in some manner or another.

I just want a "normal" family. I have friends who are more like family than anyone and I guess that is okay. After losing my grandpa, who I was very close with, I have realized how much family means. I don't even think anyone in my family realizes this.

But once again I do appreciate everyone's help. It's nice to feel like someone understands.

I'll keep in touch and let everyone know how things are going.

CC

Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 3:56pm
(((((CC)))))))

We are really going through the same thing. In my family everyone hides their problems to make it look like everything is perfect. No one is divorced in my family because appearances are too important to them. There are many people in my family who should be divorced too, but that would be too hurtful to their ego so they choose to stay in their marriages anyway. Thus my mother stayed with my abusive father and it led to her and my demise.

I have moved away from my family emotionally and litterally. I now live in the States and I am originally from Canada. It was the best decision I ever made. They can not rule my life anymore and I feel free.

If you can, I would suggest you try to cut ties slowly but surely with the people who are blaming you for what happened between your father and you. If he did punch you without you doing anything to him then you have nothing at all to blame yourself for. In my case, I had said really horrible things to my father, but saying mean things does not give anyone the right to hit another person. Remember that and do not let anyone blame you for it. They are victimizing you again and that is emotional abuse and it hurts sometimes more than the physical because they are playing mind games with you.

Stay strong. You have proven that you were strong by divorcing your first husband so you can do it again with your parents and relatives. Please keep me updated. We have such similar lives.

Can I ask you more about yourself? How old are you? Do you have siblings? Do you have children? What job to you hold?

I am 32 and I do not have any children. I have an M.Ed and I am looking for a teaching job. I am an only child. I have been married for 7 years.

Many hugs,

Ginny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 11:53am
Hi! Isn't amazing how much our "families" are alike. We could be related they sound so much alike! I am the only one in my family who is divorced. People stay married in my family no matter how much they hate each other. Their egos couldn't stand having to admit they made a mistake in such an important choice.

My parents hate each other I am sure. But to the whole world they seem like they have the "perfect family". That is except me because I have put a few scratches on that for them. They fight all the time.

My mom has a very bad prescription pill problem. She thinks because the doctor gives them to you it is okay to take as many as you need. Anytime you tell my mom something is wrong she gives you a pill "to make it all better." I honestly think she does it to deal with her life. My little brother has a drinking problem and has since he was about 17. My parents think because he drinks at home (he still lives with them), it's okay. As long as he doesn't get in trouble, there is no problem. He has began to abuse pills just like my mom. She is so bad, she thinks if he gets popped for a drug test at work and there are legal drugs in his system (even if they aren't his) he is okay? Kind of screwed up huh?

About me? I am the oldest of 2 kids. My little brother is 3 years younger. I am 24. I don't have any kids. My boyfriend has opened his own business and I am working for him. I am planning (keeping my fingers crossed), if all goes well to return to school in the fall to complete my nursing degree. I have a strong desire to do something to help other people in need.

Oh, there is another kick to my family. Women don't go to college. You should be smart enough to find a man that can support you. All you should do is stay home and have kids. They are very old fashioned. I can't imagine not being able to support myself. Even if you do stay married for the next 100 years to the same person, they could become ill or die. My grandpa support my grandma very well the whole time they were married. But he was very old fashioned. They didn't have life insurance or investments. When my grandpa get sick, he spent 3 months (off and on) in ICU. That quickly eliminated any saving they had. Now my grandma has lots of bills and no way to support herself. Very sad in my opinion.

The fact that I live with someone has puts a knot in their tails. What would people think? You know my mom didn't tell anyone that I was divorced for probably 2 years. When I ended up at a family function, everyone called my boyfriend by my ex-husband's name. They look NOTHING alike. I was so embarrassed and mad I wanted to die. Amazing how people make things up as they go isn't?

Please stay in touch. You can e-mail me if you like. I have really enjoyed talking to you. I wish you all the luck in the world. Thanks for all the supportive words. It's sad I don't talk to anyone about this every often. The worst part is why I don't. I always think about what people would think. I can't ever let anyone know anything is wrong. Kinda of ironic, isn't?

MANY HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CC

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:07am
I am so sorry for what he did to you! Yes, I think (for now) give them space. You need to get some kind of support, read up more about people like you went thru. I'm there now with my mom. I love her too much, but it makes me cry at night when she continue to push me away when all I'm doing is to make their lives EASIER. Time is running out with my parents, but they're not gonna change FOR ME. I will try to change FOR THEM, so I won't be feeling so guilty and sad when they leave for good. They're not gone yet, but I'm already missing her. But, I can't talk to her and I can't see her, because I'm still trying to cool off. I know she's also hurting, and I'm hurting, but we both need space.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 8:03am
Sweetie,

I've gone through the same thing with my mother. I just recently had to really let go. I wrote her a letter to let her know why I couldn't be in contact with her the way she is right now. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I'm much more productive in my life now. If you ever want to talk about this more, feel free to email me and I'll send you the letter that I wrote my mother, just in case you'd like to do the same.


Take Care,

Tonya

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