Where do I begin?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Where do I begin?
3
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 6:04pm
My close friend, Jen, is getting married in November. Well, not really. You see, her boyfriend/fiance is still technically married. He has been separated for quite a long time (four years), but just within the past year or so filed for divorce.

It has been taking what seems like forever for the final papers to come through, but Jen and Kris (her fiance/whatever you call him) have decided to go through with the wedding anyway. But they are going to have a 'commitment' ceremony instead and just run off and get married afterwards when the divorce finally comes through. Their families do not know anything about him not being divorced yet. They, in fact, don't know anything about him ever being married!

I think she is rushing it because she is afraid that he will leave her. She is really insecure and her relationships in the past have been bad. I just can't for the life of me figure out why they won't wait and have a real wedding? They are both spending all of this money on something that is not even "real".

HELP! I think she is making a huge mistake!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 6:35pm
The only thing you can do is tell her how you feel, and be involved only as much as you are comfortable with. You don't have to participate in her lie.

I have a problem with the whole wedding thing for many reasons, but what chaps my behind the most is when people are not honest with their guests about what the true celebration is about. If there is something to be ashamed about, then why is there a celebration? It is easy to assume that the whole thing may be a thinly veiled con to get gifts. A wedding requires a time and monetary commitment from more than just the couple, the least they can do is be honest about it with the people who support their commitment. It could be that your friend has not looked at it in this way, she may not realize how she might offend people whose opinion of her will be changed once the truth is out, and the truth always comes out. It seems that she is looking at this in a very twisted way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:10am
I agree. That is my prob w/ it too, the dishonesty. I can actually say that I would have 100% diff. view on this girl's "wedding" if she were being honest w/ everyone, including all of the guests coming to the wedding, and her parents. Telling them that the divorce was taking a bit longer to go thru, and they were having a commitment ceremony NOT a wedding... I mean really...why couldn't she just TELL them the truth b-cuz to me personally the truth would not be that bad...her bf has been separated for 4 yrs, and I think thats a long time. Why wouldnt she tell them that he had been married before? I think it just sounds really fishy! I'm also kinda confused about why it has to happen so soon? Is it really just b-cuz she is so insecure and needs to feel like he will be sticking around 4 sure if they've had this commitment ceremony/wedding? If so YIKES that's not good. I can understand it a lil better if their reasoning has more to do w/ stuff they already booked for the wedding, deposits put down, money they could lose, invites already went thru the mail etc before finding out the guy's divorce wouldnt go thru by the time of the wedding...is that what it was like? Or more the insecurity thing on her part? I am sorry for ur friend and sorry for u that u have to go thru it w/ her. I just hope that at the end of it all her DF is sincere and when his divorce finally happens that they will be really happy together and everything will go as planned. I still think she is making a bad decision by lying to ppl about the wedding being "real". Rhiannon
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 10:12am
I just posted another msg b4 this but then I reread the OP and wait a min....I am SO confused now...you say "their families" don't know anything about his divorce, and don't even know that he was EVER MARRIED...does that include HIS family? His own family doesn't know that he was ever married? If so that is just creepy! If so it makes him sound like some kind of fake, like a con artist. I hope its nothing that bad!!!