WHY can't I let this friendship go???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
WHY can't I let this friendship go???
10
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 10:57am

I met my best friend when we were 15 years old, and we were inseparable. But in my junior year of high school, I moved away and we list touch. Years later, we re-connected and became best friends again. We are now both 41 and she actually lives just down the street from me. 

We did a lot ore together after she and her family moved close. Trips, bonfire's, etc. Our two daughters are even very close friends, as they are the same age. 

We also have neighbors, directly next to us, that we have always been pals with. Again, lots in common and kids the same age. I thought I should introduce my best Friend "H" to our neighbor "M", knowing they would probably all get along. Well, they have. So much so that I now feel left out. There have been so many things over the last two years telling me this best friendship with H is done, but for some reason, I refuse to just let it go. Here are several things...

1. H is addicted to Ambien and also smokes pot. Ok, to each their own. She is a grown woman and can do what she wants. BUT, she has driven my daughter home while high on Ambien. She has gone to band concerts for our children, high. She sat thru her own daughter's 13th birthday, high as a kite from Ambien. She takes Ambien at 1:00 in the afternoon, to help her "sleep" later. WTF???? She drove home from a Girl scout function with three 9 year old girls in the car, HIGH on AMBIEN. Her husband wont stop her and even provides her with illegal Vicodin that he gets from a friend. He says if he tries to sop her he won't get sex. REALLY????

2. My friend H and my neighbor M now do many, many things together and don't ask me. I KNOW this sounds so junior high, but I end up finding out about these events second-hand and it just hurts. Sometimes they will ask me, but it is always totally last minute, so I don't even have time to change my plans even if I wanted to.

3. We all got in a BIG fight about just this, a few months back. I went to my friend H's house to talk to her. To just ask her if I had done something wrong, or why she was pulling away? She told me that I had NEVER been the type of friend she wanted me to be, and that M is. She told me she just wanted to be happy and have fun and not worry about random sh**. Well, I never considered our friendship to be random sh*& but I guess she does.

4. It hurt me that she said those things, and I told her so. I wrote her a long letter, telling her I was SORRY for not being the friend she needed me to be. But that she should have TOLD me instead of just replacing me. She writes back and says I am being immature, and that she just doesn't agree with some things I do. That it made her mad when I planned my daughter's 13th b-day party on HER birthday (41st b-day. Really) She said it made her mad that I put my kids first all the time.

5. My other friend, M, sided with her on all of this, of course. She wrote me too, and accused me of just being jealous that they were friends. 

6. Here is maybe the worst, in my book. H used my computer the other day for something, and checked her e-mail. She never logged off. So I looked. Wrong I know, but who wouldn't honestly look if it was right there in your face?? All of the letters I had EVER written my BEST friend H, she forwarded to M for her to read. The letter that M wrote me during my fight with H? M sent that to H to read as well. My reply? Forwarded. EVERY single thing I had ever told my best friend in CONFIDENCE since the day her and M got close, she told M. Even the things I made her swear not to tell anyone.

The worst part? When we were having this fight and I wrote my letter to H, trying to explain how I felt? Well, she did write me back. And she sent a copy to her new best friend M with a note at the top that read..."this should REALLY piss her off"

:(

So why am I still a part of this? It's complicated. We all live next to each other. Our children are all close Friends. Our husbands are all close friends. I cant move. It is just a no-win.

And if I try to talk to her about any of this, I get accused of being jealous and junior high. If I try to talk to her about her addictions, she says I just don't even TRY to understand what her life is like.

I know in my heart this is over. But I just don't know what to do:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 10:14am

Thank you for all of the replies, even the brutally honest ones!  I think it is safe to say I have a pretty dependant personality.  BUT, I am taking baby steps!  I have recently gone out with friends from work.  A few times actually, and had a very good time.  So there have been pictures and comments posted on facebook by my work friends about our adventures and yes, in some immature way, I want these toxic friends to see them all, and to know I am OK without them and the games, and moving forward.  My best friend has made comments that she is happy I had a good time, etc.  Maybe she is?  I dont know.  The neighbor gal though...no comment.  And, I actually ran into a woman who used to be friends with the neighbor lady and said just a short bit on the neighbor lady having major jealousy issues.

On another note, I have NOT let my daughter be in the car with the addict since last summer, when she was high on Ambien and almost hit a stop sign while my dd was in the car.  Fortunatley, my dd is almost 14 and VERY aware of when the friend is high, and NOT to get in the car with her.  I just dont know why her own family and husband wont take notice and step in?  Oh well.  I have realized that I can't save her.  If this is the journey she wants to take, I can't go along with her.

I have talked to my husban at length about these two "friends", and I think his advice as well as all of yours was dead on.  Distance myself.  I dont want drama and really dont want a world war 3 going on in my front yard, but I know that since I have just put some distance stopped feeling so sorry for myself, and begun to do some things without them, I feel SO much better.  My best friend hasn't asked WHY I am distant, and maybe that shows she really doesn't care.  But again, it is what is is.  If she asks, I will tell her.  If not, it hurts.  But I will survive.  And maybe be better in the end.  Time will tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 3:20am

I agree:

Think about your daughter's safety. She should not be riding in cars with impaired drivers.  Addict are imparied even if they haven't had a fix in the last few hours. 

Find an alanon group.  They will be a tremendous support and help you undertand how friends and family of addicts can get so sucked in.  

Once you are able to distance yourself from this insanity new healthier frinds will come into your life.  You are beat down now by the insanity and chaos created by an addict so it is hard to have confidence in yourself. 

You can do it....... Life will get better for you when you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 8:25am
This probably is what everyone else is saying, but in my book, this girl is not a "friend." If this is how your "friends" treat you, I'd hate to see how your enemies treat you. Your kids, will get over it. I had many friends that I was really close with that our mom's weren't buddies. Your husband, if he is supportive, should support you in wanting to end this relationship because it causes you so much hurt. If it were me, I'd just take a break and not talk to either of these girls for a while. You can be cordial without being best friends. You probably can't see this now, but to me, you are much better off without them. It's crazy that she would accuse you of being "junior high" because everything they are doing seems to be by the book junior high. Hang in there! There are tons of people out there that would be better friends with you. This is just a season of life you've got to get through. :)
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 1:08am

The first priority should be your dd's safety and well-being. She should not be allowed to be in the car with H driving, ever, period. Just imagine how you would feel if anything happened to your kid and you had let her ride around with an addict at the wheel.

You may consider H to be your friend but by the way she treats you she doesn't seem to be much of a friend to you. It sounds like she and M are purposely rude and mean to you, seeing how much you will take---which seems to be quite a lot. If it was anybody else treating you like that, would you put up with it? I think that "being alone" would be better than being around people who treat you so poorly and make you feel bad. And like others mentioned, you can make other friends--- in your community, through the school PTA, join a book club, etc.

When you make your stand that you dd cannot ride with H anymore she will probably get angry and insulted and that will be the perfect time to make a break from her and M. You can still be civil to her at those times when you have to communicate with her, even if she is rude. When you no longer try to hang our with her you will likely realize that you are much better off without her negativity in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 8:41pm

I think it would be a lot worse to be hanging out with people who put you down and cause you to feel bad about yourself than to be alone.  And you can make new friends.  I'm 55 and divorce and 2 yrs ago I decided that I wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons--just in the past 2 yrs I have made so many friends through that activity that now I have people to go out with every weekend.  You could do the same with any other activity, volunteering, other parents of your kids' friends, etc.  These 2 aren't the only 2 women in the world.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 06-03-2013 - 10:18pm

I am just having a very hard time decidng which is worse....constantly feeling like the third wheel and dealing with her drug addiction, or being alone:(

Alone?  What about your daughter, your DH, and family?  I am beginning to wonder if you, too, have some sort of addiction or co-dependency, except your choice of "drug" is your so called friend.

Please gather up whatever dignity you have left and stop seeing these toxic people.

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Mon, 06-03-2013 - 9:39pm

"Here's the thing....I dont have a lot of friends.  And I am scared to be alone:("

You might actually want to think about your daughter and safety first. Sure, it can be daunting to make new friends, but you'll never be able to replace your daughter if she should be hurt or, God forbid, lost in an accident because a driver is intoxicated or drugged. Why in the world would you ever let your daughter be in a situation that would likely involve dangerous drugs and/or alcohol, and why would you be friends with anyone who would present such harm to your daughter and any other minors?

No, don't beg to hang out with these ridiculous neighbors--value yourself and your family enough to either spend more time with them or make new friends who will respect the concern you have for yourself and your family and treat you all with more respect.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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http://www.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 06-03-2013 - 7:40pm

You can't let the friendship go because you and she go way back, have shared many memories, and you care about her!  On the other hand, she is an addict.  Addicts care only about their next fix, and god help anyone who gets in the way of that.  I think you need to put on your big girl panties, take a deep breath, and take a stand for yourself and your daughter. 

You should no longer allow your daughter to get into any car where this woman, or any other impaired person, is driving.  You should start setting up boundaries for yourself, and start looking elsewhere for friends who will appreciate you and not put yourself or your child in danger. 

You are 41 and yes, it's hard to make new friends, but not impossible.  Time to look beyond your street to the big wide world out there.  You don't mention if you work, have hobbies, etc.  You only mention two women who are your friends, is there a larger group of people you are acquainted with that you could start organizing activities with? 

Don't make this woman, and the other one who supports her lifestyle make you feel less than!  You could even go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to get a better understanding of addiction, and how you can distance yourself from this woman in a healthy way.  It's going to hurt, no doubt about that, but she has made the decision, she chose drugs over you, and she's choosing those who condone her lifestyle over you. 

You can even tell her that you will support her getting help, but until she is ready to do that, you andyour daughter can no longer be around her.  Addicts will only break down when they reach rock bottom, and there is no one there to put up with their behaviour.  She's proven that she cannot be trusted, what more evidence do you need that this friendship has grown toxic? 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
Mon, 06-03-2013 - 10:42am

Thank you for your reply.  I know you are right.  Here's the thing....I dont have a lot of friends.  And I am scared to be alone:(

I do want to go back to the old days.  My friend has changed so much and it saddens me.  But I know people change.  I am sure I have too.  But her drug addiction makes me so mad.  I have tried and tried to talk to her about it but she makes light of it.  She and the neighbor gal refuse to take any responsibility for anything.  I have apoligized for things I probably even shouldn't say I'm sorry for, and yet I get nothing from them.  They sit right in front of me and talk about their big plans, with me RIGHT THERE.  I dont want to constantly invite myself along but they tell me that if I want to go I should just invite myself.  WHY?  Do I constantly have to sit there and BEG for them to include me in their plans?

I am just having a very hard time decidng which is worse....constantly feeling like the third wheel and dealing with her drug addiction, or being alone:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 4:26pm

This person is no friend to you & I don't know why you would want a friend who is an addict, endangers children and stabs you in the back anyway.  Furthermore, I would never allow my kids to spend time at her house if they are young enough to need supervision or to let her drive them in her car--I mean she already doesn't like you, so you might as well put your foot down on this one.  Just because your kids are friends doesn't mean the parents have to be friends.  Yes it could be awkward since the guys are friends & you live near each other but the guys can do their own thing on their own time, like golf or whatever they like to do. 

I think that you just would like to go back to the days when you were friends since you must have good memories about that, but I think you know intellectually that those days are over.  It must be very hurtful to you to have your former friend act this way to you.  I think you should concentrate on making other friends instead of having anything more to do with these 2 women.