Why is it my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Why is it my fault?
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 10:11pm
I was married for over 20 yrs to xh. He was abusive to me & oldest dd. We were divorced back in '97 & I meet my currant dh in '99 (we got married in '01) x & I have 3 dd's (33,31 & 26) all 3 of them are married. I like oldest & youngest dh's (not crazy about middle dh, he worked for my dh's business & did alot of crappy things to us) xh likes 2 younger dd's dh's (hes very open about hating oldest dd's dh, which is totally stupid, this kid works his backside off taking care dd & dgd)

Xh is engaged, he said something about spending all of his gf's xh pension money. My oldest dd called the gf & warned her about her dad being money hungry. Well xh showed up at dd #1 apartment, banging & kicking her door. She didn't answer the door (she was too scared of him, plus her dh wasn't at home) xh went our nieces house & calls dd & starts screaming at her. Telling her he wish he never had her, he wants her to stay out of his life. But he demands to see dgd (he only sees her 2 or 3 times a yr, but he sees middle dd's 2 dgs & younger dgd) but then he tells her it's a all my fault. He hates her & me. WTF? I haven't seen him since I had the police removed from dh & mine house in '04. Now I don't understand how any of this is my fault? I had nothing to do with any of this at all. DD didn't tell about this until it was all over with.
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 02-21-2012 - 4:30pm
Abusers rarely make sense, especially when they're in a rage. Of course it has nothing to do with you, he was just angry and taking it all out on the people he still holds anger for in general. Don't worry about it - if he still has a problem with you, it's his problem, not yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Wed, 02-22-2012 - 3:07am

Its clearly not your fault. I have had similar situations whereby my ''father'' (biologically only I might add as i disowned him years ago) didn't like the fact that I saw him for what he was. He physically and mentally abused my mother for years and when I was old enough to tell him I understood what he was, a disgusting human being, and wanted him out of my life he took it out on my mum. It seems they go back to old habits in times of upset/anger. He blamed my mum for my change of name (I changed my name to my mothers maiden name) and said she had 'poisoned' me against him. He didn't give me as much hassle because he knew mum was an easy target.
The man is clearly a waste of space and if he wants to blame you let him. You are better off having nothing to do with people like him so why take notice of the opinion of someone so worthless. If he continues to give you or DD abuse call the police. Im sure he deserves it. As long as it doesn't effect the relationships with your children and their partners let him act like a child.
Ignoring my ''father'' was the best thing I ever did and casting him out of my life caused him more hurt than any viscous act possibly could have. Stay strong. Bright Blessings.