Worried for and hurt by my father

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2011
Worried for and hurt by my father
17
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 4:33pm

Two years ago, my dear mother passed away from a brief bout of cancer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:37am
I, too, understand your interpretation. The thing is, just like my interpretation is based on my perspective, it is very likely that since the OP does not like the woman, her answer to your question may be somewhat biased. Kwim?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2011
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 12:38pm
Thanks for your suggestions. I really like the comment about asking my father to name 5 great things about his fiancee.

In the interest of brevity, I may have omitted a few details that may now seem relevant, particularly with respect to the woman who posted that she would avoid me too.

In the first 6-8 months of their relationship, a rocky start I might add, my father confided in me quite a bit about their courtship, particularly their arguments. Regardless of how appropriate it is, I'm privy to a lot of their issues. Hence, my suggestions to my dad about possibly seeking other companions or healthier relationships. I saw too much conflict and power struggles for me to think that it was making him happy, therefore, I told him as such.

I have taken the high road throughout. The fiancee thinks that I like her, I have invited her to my home for many meals, and took them to dinner about a month ago. We chatted and by all outside appearances, we had a lovely evening.

Also, when he mentioned to me that their relationship had gotten more serious, I did exactly as another woman suggested - I told him that I was sad at our how family had changed, how he doesn't have time for Sunday dinners together anymore, and how he does not include his fiancee in our gatherings. That I would be happy if he included her more so I could get to know her better. I promised that I would never embarrass him or ask him to make difficult decisions.

AGain, thank you for the helpful suggestions. My father's happiness and wellbeing is my main priority, and I would like to see him married to a wonderful woman. I just feel that he is alienated his children, and the right woman wouldn't allow that to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 1:49pm

Thanks for the additional background.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2011
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 2:49pm

Great, thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 5:15pm
I can relate somewhat as in the last several years gone through this with my inlaws and own grandfather. Fil got to me more though as I love him dearly. He nursed two wives through illnesses only to end up burying them both. After MIL passed away, he was spending one to two nights a week having dinner with me and the kids. Some more bg-dh was working very very long hours, and due to losing MIL I lost a set of twins. (I like to think they are there where she is all together happily) Three months go by and suddenly he is constantly "busy' or 'has other dinner plans" Now he is an elderly adult (my inlaws were the same age as my gparents dh was a late baby lol) and it is really none of our business. Where we felt it was our business was things changed in a weird way and we were concerned that in his immense grief something not good was going on with him. Well it was but not how we interpreted it lol. Turns out he met someone. At first I was furious as MIL had only been gone barely 3 months. I kept my mouth shut though dh and I discussed it and so did SIL and I since we were all worried about the weird behaviour. It was a relief that he was ok. Turns out my FIL is the type that cannot stand to be alone one minute more than he has to. Eventually I came around and realized that as long as she wasn't hurting him etc and he was happy it was none of my business. No elder abuse etc and that if HE was happy and she was what made him happy so be it. I needed to accept that. Now she did cause some problems. She insulted dh in our own home-not cool. My neighbor told her off though lol. She didn't like the way FIL was involved with his grandchildren because she and her ex husband of 28 yrs "didn't do things that way" Whereas my fil felt he was completing a circle as his mother took care of and raised my dh between dh's bio moms death and the marriage to my mil. One example is that during one of my mothers total twit cycles I needed to get dh to the ER ASAP. I had two toddlers and one infant. My oldest wasn't old enough yet to babysit. My neighbor was more of a mom at the time but wasn't home. I asked my fil because an ER just isn't the place for toddlers and infants while treating adults. Sometimes there is no choice I know. She made ugly remarks to us about asking him and FIL doing it. We rarely ever did. Also Dh would call FIL with a car problem (mechanic) -what she didn't know is that dh and fil didn't get along well until I came along and the car thing was their bonding. Usually dh knew the answer but FIL liked to be asked (his words) and it gave them something to talk about/work on together and not bicker. This is a woman who at the time was in her 60s barely knew us. Even though FIL and we tried-dinner invites, trying to include them when FIL would appreciate it etc. She took this and turned it around and told dhs family that we had no use for FIL unless there was something we could get out of it and were using him. She didn't mention the dinners when he would eat with us, Him calling and inviting me and the kids either out for ice cream or bringing some over here to be with us, playdates that were arranged by both sides-he liked seeing his grandkids and vice versa. Us helping with bills-fil and mil were beyond broke and a step sister caused great financial hardship when mil died-another story for another time. We were broke college kids with kids (I was a single mom divorcee when I met dh) and other things we squeezed to help fil and mil. Then FIL afterwards and she could have GF was still working as a CPA had mucho investment cash coming in etc. NOt that it was her place or she should have but it had to be said due to her mouth. I had always been close to dh's family (we are backwards. His family and I get along better than they do and my family that isn't fond of me love dh to pieces) Only my SIL was still in regular contact as she knew better. That we would NEVER use Dad in that or any other way. Shortly before she got ill GMIL fixed it. I don't think she knew *exactly* what was up but things weren't right. Don't know how she knew but she always knew things yknow? She put her foot down that we would fix this before she left this world. You never knew how GMIL knew things but she did lol. His family are good people though, despite this one hiccup. Over the years dh's family morphed this woman. They showed her what family truly meant (by their definition and it is a fairly good one. Wish they didn't live so far off) and she ended up becoming somewhat decent person. Never thought I would see that day. So don't give up just yet. Maybe some of the ugh/.bad factors will work out in the end.
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 5:17pm

I can relate somewhat as in the last several years gone through this with my inlaws and own grandfather.
Fil got to me more though as I love him dearly. He nursed two wives through illnesses only to end up burying them both. After MIL passed away, he was spending one to two nights a

anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 7:41pm

I think people on this board should take what the OP is saying at face value. It doesn't do any good to look for ulterior motives or other reasons the OP would be painting a bad picture of her step mom. People come here because they're hurting and looking for advice.

OP, I respect that you're owning your own feelings and shortcomings in this situation. We're all human and shortcomings will be there.

I can relate too. My dad remarried when I was in middle school. He was all wrapped up in the new wife and started a new family. She did things that made it obvious she didn't like us. Every holiday they took us, it was out of obligation. When I was 12 or 13, I was stuck at their house, having a miserable Christmas. I told them to not have us on any more holidays. They told me I was an ingrate. Even now, it's very difficult to be around, but I try. She sometimes throws insults, which I ignore.

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