Would this be inappropriate?

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Would this be inappropriate?
12
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 7:02pm

I'd like some input from others regarding something I am considering.

The backstory is that my 25yo daughter recently broke up with her bf of 3 years and from what I've heard she ended it in a pretty mean and immature way, with bf very surprised and hurt. I like him a lot and he was always very nice to me and dh (although we haven't seen him in over a year because they moved across the country), he was included in family events and holidays when they were still in our town and well liked by all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 8:24pm

I would probably take your DD's personality into consideration, before you do anything.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 8:54pm

I agree with Anna on this, but want to go further and suggest that you don't do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:11am
I have to agree with Para. I would not contact the boy. First off, you say "from what you've heard about the breakup", have you heard how this breakup went down from your daughter first-hand? There is likely far more to what happened than you are aware of. Second, your loyalty is to your daughter. Even if he ended the relationship, she's probably still going to be emotional about the situation, and I know that personally, at 25, I would have been offended if my mom felt the need to reach out to someone I'd chosen to end a relationship with, especially if she didn't have the whole story from me personally. I also agree with Para that the possibility exists that the boy will misunderstand, and think that dd's family doesn't stand behind her decision to end the relationship, and I can't imagine your daughter wanting to get phone calls from this guy saying "your family doesn't think we should have broken up".

Lastly, and what I think is the real reason I wouldn't contact him, is that he probably isn't all that worried about what you guys think of him right now. I don't think he's likely angry at you, but put yourself in his shoes, would you really have cared if an ex boyfriend's mom contacted you at that age? No, you'd be polite and reply to an email or chat on the phone for a few minutes, but then when the conversation was over, you'd hang up and not think about the woman again. I think this is especially true for young men, who aren't nearly as emotional. So, I think you really need to ask yourself if the risks, hurting your dd, stirring up trouble for her, etc... are really worth it for a kid you'll likely never see again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:12am
My post should say "even if she ended the relationship"... I'm on the mobile site and my iPhone keyboard is not easy to type on...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:30am
Although your intent is to comfort him, contacting him may in fact make it more difficult for him to get past the pain of the breakup. It may also give him the idea that because of your support, he may still have a "chance" for a reconciliation with your daughter.

While I understand that you like this young man, the fact is that his "connection" to you and your family was because of your daughter. Regardless of how she broke up with him, that relationship is over. It's best to let it go. Since you treated him well and he has no reason to blame you for the breakup, there is no reason for you to apologize.


Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 12:51pm

You all make good points...just to clarify, I would run it by my dd first and wouldn't contact him if she was uncomfortable with it. I have the sense that she wouldn't mind or I would not have considered it in the first place. I do have the story from her, with the blame squarely on herself, and while she sometimes shares TMI its certainly possible that she left out pertinent details.

Xbf is not a kid, he's a mature responsible man in his mid-30s and our relationship with him didn't feel like previous "dd's bf" relationships but more like a peer. I guess that's why I think he would be able to separate *her parents* from *her*. But in his pain and anger he might not make that distinction. I'm not thinking that he cares what we think about him, but maybe he thinks poorly of us because we whelped his xgf. I don't want to cause him any more hurt so maybe its best if I drop the idea or at least wait a while to hear from dd how things are progressing.

Thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 6:20pm

The fact that you are asking if this would be inappropriate tells me there's something in your "gut" telling you it isn't appropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 7:37pm

Ditto what everyone else has said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:21pm

While I agree with everyone else that contacting him will probably do more harm than good right now, I do have a different suggestion. When I broke up with my ex, his mother and grandmother

 



     

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 2:17am

The Christmas card is a good idea. Last Christmas he made simple cards and sent one to us, saying that he would miss spending the holiday with us so I know he appreciates Christmas cards. Assuming that dd knows his address at that point I could send him a card.

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