Would you let family live with you??

Avatar for cl_2and1more
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Would you let family live with you??
10
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 8:57am
Would you want any of your family members living with you? Who would you be able to live with? Who would you not be able to live with? How long can family members live together?

I just thought it would be a great discussion because I have family moving in this week-end. We have had non-family live with us for 6 months. (They are closer than family now - We love them) My DH's grandparents are moving in to our home instead of a nursing home. So now I will be a 24-hour caregiver. We really want this to happen but I know there will still be problems. :-) We added on to our house earlier when we invited then to come but they refused. Wanting to stay independant. But since grandma's fall the story has changed.

It was funny because before we put on the apartment like addition, we talked about the problem of having it. Any member of the family needing a place would expect to come here because we have the space for it. I said I could handle my dad, he is easy going. No way on my mother. I made the mistake of telling her that and she hasn't let me forget it. Dh's mom would be fine but not his dad. I could handle my sister and her kid for a while but not long term. I could handle any of our siblings for a period of time but but like forever. The apartment doesn't have a kitchen and is open to our home so it is not totally seperate. WE joked about having to sell the house after his grandparents are gone so that we would not have to deal with taking care of family.

What about you - what do you think?

Melissa

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 11:34am
Well for me I would REALLY have to think about it long and hard. I say this because my maternal grandmother lived with my mom dad sister and me when we were growing up and it wsa hard. My mom was always on the edge(they had/have a tense relationship). My mom now says she would never do that to her kids because she knows what all it entails and the stress it put on her relationship with my dad. There was never any privacy for them. She was always wearing a robe over her night gown . My parents never showed any affection around her so that means they showed no affection around us kids. It had its good side too because we always had family to watch us. Which in a way caused troubles to because my grandmother did things the way she wanted to not how my mom would have liked. My grandmother is now in a nursing home. She moved out after a arguement between mom and her and went to live on her own. She was no longer able to care for herself so the state admitted her into a nursing home. Let me just say this has caused more fights between her and my m om. She thinks(she has alzheimers) my mom put her there. So they fight she says she nevers sees my mom, funny my mom works at the place LOL.

Well to make this even longer. My parents recently sold the "family" home and they looked and looked for another place. Well time was running out and they thought they would have to come up here and stay with us until they could find something. Someone must be looking out for me because that never happened( I know its awful of me). Me and DH did stay with my sister about eight years ago when he left the Marine Corps and switched to another branch of the military. It wasn't too bad becasue she had a seperate house for us right next door.

So Melissa no I don't think I could do it. At least not now maybe as my parents get older and we settle in one place, but even then it would be hard. I hope things go well for you and your family. Just try to take some time for yourself. My mom says that is one thing that she lost. Michelle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 11:38am
I wouldn't really want anyone living with me, but would let any family or friend free of charge for as long as they needed to and didn't take advantage of it. We've let one of dh's friends and one of my db's live here for awhile until they could get on there feet financially.They both took advantage but was worth it with db because he did manage to get financailly situated once I set a few house rules, which I hated to do and still feel bad about it but I had to do something. He was staying here for free, drinking his paycheck up, and we had a baby on the way. Luckily theres no hard feelings and he's managed to straighten up and get a nice home of his own.

I wouldn't want to have to live with anyone neither, but if I had to it would be my parents. Not sure if anyone els would let me or not, but I know I'd have to be desperate to live with my sis or dh's family.I'd let my sis stay here and could probably tough it out staying with her, but wouldn't even consider staying with dh's parents or allowing them to stay here.

Avatar for tinderdoc
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Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 11:56am
We don't really have room for anyone (family or non-family) to live with us on a long-term basis now (we have a hide-a-bed in the front room, and that's about it), but if we had the room, I would be more than happy to let my family live with us. My dad would be a problem (he and DH don't get along), but we are very close to my mom, DB and his family. I've even told them that if they ever need a place to go, feel free to knock on our door. MY IL's on the other hand... I don't think I could visualize us ever being under the same roof with them. There is so much tension between me and them, just the thought of living with them makes my stomach turn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 4:13pm
My bil lived with my dh and I before we got married and for about 2 years after (about 3 years total). It really worked out well for all of us. By the time he moved out I think we were all ready but we still have a really close relationship, he has since married and has 3 kids and my SIL is one of my best friends and our kids get along really well. I think it all depends on the lifestyle you have and what your expectations are as well as the expectations of the person living there. As long as you are on the same page, it should be fine.

Good luck.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 5:55pm
We have my DH's grandmother living with us. Things are still trying to be ironed out but I believe it will work out okay.

We are going to have to add on though and this is just my thought but I think she should help with some of the financing of this. She has a home but doesn't want to live there now that her husband has died and we don't want her living there alone either. She will sell the home in time (no hurry) but when she does I think (just my personal opinion) that she should reimburse some of the money to us for building on to our house to accomodate her - what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 7:06pm
This is my first post anywhere on ivillage, but I had to join when I read this discussion.

First to delenab, I have to say that yes, I think she should reimburse you. If you have gone through the process of building on to your home for her to live, then yes she should help pay for that. We are in almost the same situation as you.

In May of 2002, my DH convinced his grandmother to leave her home of 50 years and move closer to us and my MIL. The only was we could convince her to do this was to get her an apartment directly below ours. This worked out ok for a while. But my husband and I were having to go down there at least twice a day. We had to get her mail for her, take our her trash, and explain at least once a day how to run something in the apartment.

To make a long story short we ended up taking the money she received from selling her house (which was 2 hours away) and using it as a down payment on a house, that we all now live in together. She has a bed and bath downstairs, as well as a family room. Upstaris we have 3 bed, 2 baths, and a huge bonus room which we use as our living room. We purchased this particular house because of the floor plan and because we could have kids and not have to be moving gradma around. She loves living with her grandson and her daugter is only 4 blocks away. There was some adjustments to be made, but I will never regret the decision we made.

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:36am
Welcome Welcome Welcome. I am glad to see your post. Ivillage has many great boards with so many different topics. Please feel free to post here as much as you like. We have a great group of people here who are willing to help out. I hope we see you around soon. Until then have a great Friday~~~~Michelle
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 8:00pm
I would have to think long and hard about it. There are some people who I could have living in my house and some I could not. My dad and I wouldn't last a week in that arrangement, but my mom and I could probably do pretty well. I have several cousins who I love, but I know our relationship would go down the tubes if we lived together. On the other hand, I have an aunt who could live with me with little or no problems.
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 8:47pm
So glad that you posted here with us on our board. you sound like you and I could be two peas in a pod. I am very happy about the grandparents moving in (happened today) and everyone is so worried. It makes me worried that I will do something wrong and everybody will go "see we told you so". But I am very happy with the choice that was made. And I am rushing throught this post because I have to do her feeding tube in a couple of minutes. :-)

Hope to have you post around here often.

Melissa

Avatar for leslie2353
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 10:34pm
I would be happy if either my dad or mom (don't know about mom, she'll run the house and criticise as always) will come and live with us when that time comes. They'd rather they stay in their own home where they are kept busy. Here, they wouldn't know what to do w/their times. There they have their yard and the will feel more at home. But, I wouldn't dare allow my SISTER come and live with us. We have no room for other families, mom or dad will have to sleep in one of the kid's room, since our full basement has now turned into DH's computer room and crappy (attic) room.