Backing out as a bridesmaid...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Backing out as a bridesmaid...?
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 3:32pm

My "friend" asked me to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming October wedding (she asked me last October)...let me brief you first.  She WAS in my wedding three years ago, back when we were good friends - yes, good friends.  About a year after our wedding, our friendship sort of faded (as well as friendships of her other close friends, including her lifelong best friend growing up).  I would invite her to lunch, or over to grill out with friends, or shopping, or anything but she'd always be "too busy."  Although she did come over to see my first born son, that's about the last time (and only time after our wedding) I saw her (again, even though I've made much effort to get together with her on numerous occasions).   Often times, I would text or call her to see how she was doing but would never receive a response of any kind from her...although I used to give her the benefit of the doubt, it became irritating and I felt it was rather rude, often times relating it to maybe why she has lost many of her friends...?

So...during the course of the last 1.5 years, she has met, briefly dated, and become engaged to this guy. This past October, 2012, she asked me to go with her to a bridal show and I was THRILLED she invited me because she hasn't so much as tried to get together with me in quite  long time!  The day of this bridal show came and she asked me to be her! I was excited and truely thought this was her way of "rekindling" our friendship! 

Well, since then, I've asked her to hang out, or go out, or get together, etc numerous times only to be disappointed yet again.  She invited me to go with her and her other two bridesmaids to find a dress for us to wear on her big day, which of course I gladly attended and bought a dress for the wedding day (this was back in March).  But again, that day came and went and now she never speaks to me!  Often times even down right rude to me and ignores my calls/texts and doesn't respond to me at all (again)!  I've been pregnant with my second child and she never asks how I am doing, how I am feeling, how things are going, etc but I feel like I'm constantly asking her how her planning is going and what I can do to help blah, blah, blah. Everytime I ask her to get together to talk about things (wedding, life in general, etc) she always says, "well, I'm busy this weekend and next too but we will soon!"  My last text to her was that I'd really like to get together before my baby is born (end of July/early August) because after that, it will be very difficult for me to get together before her big day (mid-October) but again, she's "too busy."

I thought about talking to another bridesmaid but one is her sister so I certainly don't feel comfortable with that and the other is a girl I hardly know and I don't feel comfortable with that either because I don't know how close their relationship is either.

I feel as though we aren't even friends anymore and I certainly don't feel right being in this wedding.  We are an one income family (I stay home with my son and soon the newborn baby as well), and money can be tight and my husband and I feel that being in a wedding can get very expensive and we don't feel that the investment in this wedding is worth it.  She could care less about my life and certainly doesn't make any effort to even have any sort of relationship with me.  I have been venting to her "ex" best friend about this...she put it in perspective by explaining to me how most, if not all, of her old friends are not even friends with her anymore and that she obviously does not cherish her friendships.  It makes me sad, but at the same time, I feel as if I discuss it with her, she might make more of an effort for the sake of her big day, but then after the wedding, this will happen all over again.  I need to make this decision now before autumn rolls around and it will really be too you think I'd be making a bad decision by backing out and avoiding all of this stress (especially once our baby comes)???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 4:36pm

It is probably best for you to back out now than allow resentment to build and risk a blow-up before the wedding.

People drift apart; and she and you may not have as much in common after you got married.  She may asked you to be in the bridal party just to be polite because you were in hers.  She could truly be busy these days since her wedding is not that far away. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 4:42pm

I also think you should get out of it now--you haven't really been close friends for a while, so when she inevitably gets mad about it, it's not like you will be losing a lot.  and don't say why, cause she will have a chance to argue about it--just say that you thought it over and you just can't do it.  If she were really interested in you as a friend, she'd be making more of an effort to see you, not just on the days when there is something to do for the wedding.  Back out before they start having bridal showers & bachelorette parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 10:33am

I agree with the others. You need to back out now. It's not too late for her to find another bridesmaid if she really needs one.

 I saw your post highlighted on the main board and had to chime in as someone who has been on the other end of this. Years ago, a friend from college backed out of being my bridesmaid. She claimed it was because of money, but I knew that wasn't true, as she came from a very wealthy family and her parents still paid for anything she wanted. The truth was that we'd just grown apart as friends in the few years after college, which is natural.

My advice to you is to offer no excuse, because people can counter those with arguments. What you really want to do is make it final. Just tell her that you realize that you are no longer able to honor this commitment, that you are sorry, and that you wish her the best. You'll probably lose her as a "friend," but it doesn't sound like you have much to lose anyway

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 3:01pm

I am going against the current here, as I would be inclined to go ahead and be in the wedding.   

You mentioned finances, so I am not sure if you are simply concerned about shower and party gifts, or if there is travel involved, etc. etc.   

I had an akward moment when I was younger, also.  I was the childhood friend who had grown apart from the bride and when one of her "new" friends back out, she asked me.  I was glad to do it, but it was kind of weird, as none of the other school age friends were even in attendance, I barely knew her new DH and didn't know the other bridesmaids as well.  

But with all of that said, I would do it again.  

If you do back out, do it now and be honest.  If you use "excuses" she may find a way to solve them for you.  Sorry it went this way for you.  I had a BF who passed almost immediately after I asked her because she was going to be 8 months pregnant.  I was a little bumbed, but I respected her feelings on it.  

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 2:28pm
This is FAR from the reason I want to back out. The finances just add to my frustration. She seems to have no care or concern for me or my family and, at times, is down right rude to me so shelling out hundreds of dollars for someone that cannot find even an hour of her time in over 8 months to have lunch with me (her bridesmaid) seems a little crazy to me. I would gladly be in a wedding for a true friend but in a way, I don't see her has a true friend anymore...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 1:09pm

Then you need to tell her that.  Her life has changed alot in the past few years.  New boyfriend, soon to be husband and new friends that she met through her new life. You on the other hand are a stay at home mom of soon to be two.  Your lifestyles are running on two different segments right now.  I will admit she is being a bit rude but is probably not answering because she really doesn't know what to say right now.  Good friends are for life.  They will come in and out of it from time to time.  Be up front with her and tell her how you are feeling.  Communication is the key.  Look back to when you were free and planning a wedding.  It was pretty hectic.  If the conversation goes well, the feel lucky that you are going to be a part of her big day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2014
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 7:56am
Yes I guess you should back out because you are not in touch from some time and whatever happened from that its better to stay away. bridesmaidsonly