Crazy mom in my neighborhood

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Crazy mom in my neighborhood
9
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 12:30am

I'm not quite sure where to start, as my situation is long and convoluted, but I'll give a little background then get into my current situation.  I live in a small neighborhood, it's a country club with about 500 homes.  My husband and I both grew up here and both of our families (my parents, his dad, and my aunts) still live in the same community.  Having grown up here, DH and I know just about everyone.  My DH is really involved in the neighborhood association, and even though I work full time, I'm really involved in my DD's (she's 4) school.  

Well, there's one mom out here, who hates me.  I have no idea why, literally, no idea.  We met last year when her son and my daughter were in the same preschool class, and my husband's best friend and his wife moved in next door to this family.  From day one it's been like something out of a bad movie, when other people are around she's chipper and smiley and acts like the nicest person.  When it's just the two of us, she either says weird rude passive aggressive things, "oh, I'm so glad I don't have to travel as much as you do, I love my kids way too much to ever spend that much time away from them" - for the record, I do travel about 30% of the time, but I love my job because even though it requires a lot of time on the road, the 70% of the time I'm in town it's incredibly flexible. Or, if she's not being rude, she completely ignores me, and I'm not talking about pretend I don't see you ignoring, I'm talking about full on stare you in the eyes and walk by silently ignore.  I've never had more than a very surface level "How are your kids" "how's work?" "Oh, I like the geraniums you planted" conversation with this woman, so I have NO idea what started this.

Frankly, I've never made a big deal about it because one, it would feel like she was winning her weird game to acknowledge her behavior, and two, because she's always so friendly when people are looking (I'm telling you, it's sociopathic), I don't want to start some my-word-versus-hers feud.

The problem lately though, is this crazy immature woman has become more outright lately in her vindictiveness.  I honestly think she's mad because my daughter has made a lot of friends in school (the preschool class is about 2:1 girls) and her son not so much, so there are lots of sleepovers and mommy-daughter outings that she's not invited to, I don't organize them, the stay at home moms tend to, but we're always invited. Anyhow, now she's gotten to be crazier... There's a youth soccer league in our neighborhood, and my husband volunteered to be one of the coaches this year (he coached last year too with his best friend's wife) we anticipated asking his best friend's wife to help again, but found out she was helping this woman's team.  No big deal until we had them over for dinner and best friend's wife pulls me aside to ask if we're okay.  She proceeds to tell me that crazy neighbor lady has told her that DH and I had told said we didn't want BF's wife's help this year, going so far as to say it was probably because I had a problem.  Neither DH or I ever said that, or anything remotely like it.  Also, and I know this is going to sound petty, and I honestly don't care because I'm truly only interested in the kids having fun, but I wasn't shocked to get out there at the first round of games and see that while our team had mostly 3 year olds and a couple of 2 year olds, DD being the only 4 year old, her team had all 4 year olds and "shockingly" all of the kids who'd enrolled from DD's preschool.  Anyone who knows kids knows there's a big difference between 2-3 and 4 year olds.  Like I said, it's kids soccer, and I love all the cute littles on my team, but she's the kind of woman who would do something like that on purpose.  

Okay, I understand that this was mostly a rant, but there's of course been other incidents that I didn't mention, and I'm kind of getting to my limit with this woman.  Because everything she does is so sneaky, no one else seems to notice, and even if they do, it's always my word versus hers.  How do I handle this?  They don't have any intentions of moving, and neither do we.  Our kids are the same age, and we live in a small, close-knit community.  How do I tolerate her for the next 14 years until our kids go to college?  She gets worse every month that passes!  I don't know how much more of this I can handle!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:01pm

I had a neighbor exactly like that.

I usually ignored her behavior, and when situations forced me to acknowledge her I killed her with kindness.

I made it a point to makesure she and her kids were always invited to anything I was hosting.  And if we ever ran into each other I was very pleasant.  And I made it a point to never mention her to someone else, and if someone brought her up I kept it pretty short.  Either I would say "yeah she is my neighbor" or "no I wasn't aware of that".

I don't know what it was, that she disliked about me.  I definitely had helped her out on a variety of occasions, like when she had surgery I made sure her kids got home from the bus stop safely. 

But she just could not stand me.

At one point, she would fling her dogs waste into our yard.  My DH just started flinging it back into her yard.  That really rattled her bones and she called HOA on us.  Well, since we didnt have a pet it backfired on her, because all I had to do was say "but we don't have a dog, how can we be throwing dog waste into her yard?"

She has since moved.  So, all is well again.  But for 4 years it was down right ridiculous.  She did quickly establish her reputation, so there wasn't much I needed to worry about.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 12:10pm

OP, let her sink herself.  She's already been found out regarding her lies to your DH's BF's wife, so let her pass on the news regarding the troublemaker this woman is, and you let other people know what she did too.  I'd just retell the story as someone who was her victim and who continues to be shocked at her behavior.

Her her the rope and let her own behavior be her undoing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 12:19am

I know what you mean about misery loving company!  My 15 year old granddaughter has just started dating her first boyfriend.  The two of them met through a mutual friend, then talked on the net, facebook and video chatting getting to know each other.  After about 2 months, they met in person for the first time at the birthday party of the gal who introduced them.  Their "dating" has consisted of GH attending 2 ballgames at his school with a group of gal pals, and he was with the band until 1/2 time then came to sit with GD and her friends.  Last weekend, he became an Eagle Scout and invited her to the afternoon ceremony connected with that where she met his parents. 

At dance on Monday, THAT mother's daughter cornered GD and said loudly "I hear you spent the night with your boyfriend over the weekend.  Several other girls overheard the comment, and so did THAT mother.  THAT mother's response was to look at the group of mothers standing there and give them all this "yup, that's right" kind of expression. 

GD and her boyfriend are both very conservative, and she was more than a little upset that someone would suggest that not only about her, but also about her boyfriend.  THAT mother knows that GD did not spend the night with her BF, and she should have immediately and publically corrected her daughter...but that's just the way she is.  Get something started, hint around about it and let everybody start gossipping and suddenly SHE comes off as the mother of "proper young ladies" and the other person gets a bad reputation.  Unfortunately, it seems to be the thing with several of the other mothers to enjoy gossip, giving THAT mother an audience.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 8:10pm
I think your daughter (and possibly some other moms) should speak to the dance teacher or studio owner about this woman's behavior. She should not be allowed to stand backstage and make comments to young girls about to perform. If she is leaving your granddaughter out of events, the head of the studio should tell her that someone else will do the planning if she excludes kids. I do hope your daughter cleared up the misunderstanding about the art work, now that she knows what happened. Basically she and other moms need to expose this woman to the people who run the dance studio so they can stop her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 5:36pm

My daughter is dealing with a woman (one of the moms at my granddaughters' dance classes) like this currently, and you're right...it's awful. My granddaughters and this woman's daughters are part of their studio's competitive dance team, so go to quite a few dance competitions. This mother will stand beside the stage and "hit" a dancer with a zinger just before she goes onstage...with the purpose of rattling her in hopes it will give her daughters' an edge when they go onstage. For example, my granddaughter was dancing a new solo in a new costume. JUST as her music began and she was ready to step on stage, this woman said "I hope you don't have a wardrobe malfunction and flash your breasts to the judges!"

One gal at the studio has a medical condition which has caused her to put on quite a bit of weight. She's a good dancer and was selected to be part of a new competition group. The teacher asked the students to come up with a name for their new group and THAT mom said "Why not call it the TUBS (or something like that), fatty?" 

After getting fed up with the pre-stage comments from this woman, my granddaughter politely said "I know you're just trying to help, but please don't comment before I go on stage because it affects my concentration".  You'd think my granddaughter had told her to "f" off the way she reacted!  Nothing overt or loud enough for anybody else to hear, but it's CONSTANT picking at BOTH my granddaughters now, and has turned from being friendly to my daughter to doing everything she can to make her life miserable!  Daughter is an artist and told the studio owner she'd help her paint some backdrops.  This woman went behind my daughter's back and told the studio owner that my daughter didn't really want to paint them, but felt forced into doing it.  The owner accepted this information and ended up buying a backdrop without talking to my daughter...so my daughter was left wondering why the owner suddenly didn't want her help thinking maybe she'd done something wrong.  The problem mother told daughter the owner told her she'd never seen any of my daughter's art work and "didn't want the competition messed up with a poor-quality backdrop". 

The dance teams do fund raisers and people who attend the fund raisers share the money they earned to pay competition fees.  This woman has planned 3 fund raisers now, but emails everyone on the team EXCEPT my younger granddaughter about the fund raiser, so not only is my granddaughter left out of the "fun" of the event, she's also left out of having earned money. 

She is always telling the girls who are competition to her daughters at the studio that they're "fat" or that their stage make-up is wrong or make little digs about "oh, I see you messed up that step!"  She's so sneaky about it and does it in such a way that she gets away with it.  She volunteers for EVERYTHING so the owner thinks she's a big helper, but the reason she volunteers so she can control the event. 

It doesn't matter what someone is talking about, she will jump into their conversation.  She is always so "helpful" and people think she's just so charming!  The people who HATE her are the polite non-gossipy ones, so nobody talks about how she REALLY is.  She just gets away with it over and over and over...and drives my daughter crazy and turns what is supposed to be FUN into a problem. 

If you find an answer, let me know!  Daughter could use advice! 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 8:50am
The only thing I can think if is to limit your contact with her. If you speak to anyone about this would divide the community and you will become the bad guy.

We all have people we don't get along with for no apparent reason. We all put on our grown up panties and co-exist even if it's one sided. The more you dwell on it the worse it gets so just accept the rocky relationship and move on. It's the most normal thing on the world...we aren't geared to get along with everyone.

San