Frustrated by husband's male friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Frustrated by husband's male friend
15
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:47pm
I'm very frustrated by a comment that my husband's friend, I'll call him John for easier discussion, made this weekend. John, his wife and children are also our family friends. I think this comment broke the camel's back so say. I'm not sure how to handle it. If John's family wasn't friends of ours I would just ignore him and not be as bothered. I obviously will have to have continued interactions with him and am asking for your advice on how to deal with him from now on. John has made many comments to my husband about me. He (John) gets very angry when I talk to other men. My husband doesn't! His friend does!! Last year a mutual male friend of my husband and I's car broke down on the way to our children's high school basketball game. I gave him a ride to the game. This particular friend was stopped in the parking lot of the school and told by John that he didn't need to be riding with me to the game. My husband knew and actually had our friend call me to see if i could give him him a ride!! We were at a wedding dance and a 6th grade male friend of my son asked me to dance. John complained to my husband about the boy and said the boy always goes after the MILFS. Give me a break! Who says something like that? My husband and I don't go out often, but this weekend we went out for a drink after a ball game. We were having a great time and I was talking to one of my sons coaches about the game. I could tell John was angry with me and made a point of shaking everyone's hand but mine and telling them good bye. My husband told me on our way home that John said to him that I was hitting on the coach and he didn't like it?? my husband was right there when the coach and I talked and knew better. At first I always thought that my husband was telling this to me because this was his own thoughts, but I have had many male friends tell me that he (John) has told them to stay away from me. He accuses them of trying to dance with me when we are all out on the dance floor. Not true...most guys I know are scared of my husband and wouldn't attempt to ask me to dance. My husband and I are always dancing together anyway! If we were not family friends, I'll be honest, I'd tell him off. I feel like for some reason he thinks I'm his property. I'm embarrassed about it and feel horrible for his wife that he acts like an idiot, so I don't want to cause a scene. I asked my husband why he doesn't tell him that I'm not his wife I'm his? He said for the same reason I don't say something to him. I'm not sure what to do, so I would really appreciate an outsiders opinion. Thank you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 10-25-2012 - 11:21am
Before I even got to the other posts / responses I was thinking that maybe he is the one with the problem (jealous). I would say he has a thing for you, even more so with the MILF comment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:26pm

Let us know how it's going in a few weeks.  I hope John straightens out and keeps his nose where it belongs in the future! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 9:45am
Hubby and I sat down and had our talk. I explained to him how I felt about what John said and asked him to speak up for me when John says it again. He explained that he hadn't seen it from my point of view. He saw it as a slam against him and didn't want John to think his comments bothered him. He said he would call him out on it if he made comments again. We both agreed that we should distance ourselves from John, which we have done. I appreciate everyone's advice. It really made a difficult situation easier to handle. Thank you all so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 8:15pm

Probably he is a jealous man and he is just projecting how he would feel if his wife did things you do. As the comments seems to be to your husband, it is your husband duty to set a boundary with him if he doesn't´t like his comments. If he says something to you, I agree you can tell him "I´m not your wife". If your husband is not bothered by his comments, ask your husband not to tell you what he says. 

It is his problem, try not to make it yours. Ignore him.

Tell husband "I don´t want to know what John thinks or says" Period

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 7:14pm

SST, I agree that your DH should talk to John and tell him to knock it off.  It was really aggravating to read so I can only imagine what it's like to be the recipient of John's inappropriate actions.  It's crossing boundaries in a creepy way.  I'd also not be surprised if he is attracted to you as this behavior coming from someone else that's not your DH is very very strange. 

I also agree with the other posters that said that it's John that's created this situation and that you not saying anything (or your DH) is only perpetuating his inappropriate behavior and he needs to be told to stop it.  I think it would be best to come from your DH as it would be coming from your DH, man to man, and your DH needs to assert his position as your husband.  In a way, John is usurping your DH's role by creating drama in a marriage he has no part of.  I'll bet that if the tables were turned and a female mutual friend was doing this, you'd say something in defense of your DH and make her cut it out. 

Are you guys sure you want to maintain this friendship with John and his family?  IMO it's a pretty clear violation of boundaries and I'm worried that he may cause trouble in the future for you two.  His behavior sounds off-kilter.

Come back and let us know how the talk with hubby went.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:14pm

I, too, think it sounds like he has an interest in you and since he can't have you, he's going to keep you "in line" by saying these things to your husband or he's hoping your hubby will believe him and maybe dump you so you'll be free for him to make a move on. 

I had a gal one time who kept telling me my husband was flirting or making passes at this woman or that and I knew he wasn't...but I found out having affairs was pretty normal for her and she had her eye on my husband so thought causing trouble between us would give her an "in".  She, too, was married.  Funny, but my husband was totally clueless that she was trying to hit on him, so it isn't like you'd automatically think this was the case with your friend, Joh .

Your husband needs to tell him outright that he's out of line and that he trusts you and doesn't appreciate John's comments.  If John ignores your hubby, then I'd likely cool the friendship waaaaay down and not spend much time with him at all!  Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:11pm
Totally agree! The talk will be happening tonight! Sorry that you had to go through it to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:38am

My husband has a friend who used to always make comments about me to my husband, i.e. I don't think she is going out of town with her sisters. I think I saw a man riding in your truck with your wife. I told my husband I didn't like it and that his friend was out of line and out of control. So my husband told him that he needed to stop and that he does not want to hear it any more and so it stopped.

It's your husband's friend so he needs to step up to the plate and get this guy in check. If you were to confront him it would not faze him, but coming from your husband it would make a bigger impact. After all you are his wife and if your behavior does not bother him then it really should not bother John and he needs to be told to butt out of your business by your husband..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:30am
After reading these replies I think my husband and I need to have a long talk. I would be upset if my husband was doing what John is doing, so I don't think I will be talking to his wife. I need to grow a backbone and so does my dh. Hopefully after how angry I was with this last comment it will help my husband realize this is way wrong. John doesn't act like this with his own wife and doesn't need to be this way with me. Thank you for helping me see it from someone else's perspective. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is not way off base.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:40am

I think that your husband needs to talk to John about this, tell him that if he (dh) has a problem with anything that you do that he can handle it and John doesn't need to worry about it. If John still does it then your dh should tell him that its not his business what you do and to please stop voicing his opinion on it, period. If John still does it then that would be the end of the friendship. Its great that your dh can let John's behavior roll off his back but since it bothers you (and I don't blame you) its not acceptable.

You and your dh are trying to tiptoe around John for the sake of the friendships, but friendships work both ways. John needs to respect you and your dh by accepting your boundaries, when he's told where they are. If he doesn't do that, then what is the basis for friendship?

What is his wife's reaction when John starts doing this? 

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