He hates me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
He hates me
10
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 3:47pm

I am going to school at a community college. I love being at school. I really enjoy seeing my life going in the dirrection of hopefully getting a career soon. I also enjoy other things that comes from school.

I am currently involved in a student group. It's a GSA. For those who don't know that's a gay/straight/allance. I am the oldest member (joys of being in school for so long without any degree yet) and I am the only straight. Everyone seems to love me except one guy. Keep in mind we are a small group so if one person hates you it's a big thing if you look at it at a mathmatical view.

We met before I started going to the meetings. He at first seemed happy I was planning on going. Lately he has been nothing but moody lately. We were friends on Facebook. He posted a picture on facebook that talked about nice things that came from our state. One thing listed was a certian entertianer. I pointed out the entertianer wasn't born here but another state. He got livid. He demanded proof. Come on. The guy is huge in the entertianment world. Don't you think it would be easy to figure out where he was born? Get real!

The other day the president of the group and I were volunteering at a campus event. She is one of those really polite, cheerful, love everyone on a personal level person. Everyone just about loves her at least on a personal level. I like her on a friendship level (I want her to get to know me and hopefully we can be friends). The guy was there for the event. That night it was his birthday. He walked into the room where the event was to be and the president and him spoke. I was sure she was wishing him a good birthday. He walked by me and as much as I could walked away from what I was doing and said hi. He at one point chewed me out for not knowing the bus system. Well excuse me. I haven't been in the area too long and I grew up in an area where we had no city bus. I am also bad with maps. Give me a break.

A few other things happened between him and I and I am getting sick of it. Ever since the whole entertianer thing he has been nothing but bitchy at me. Keep in mind everyone else in the group likes me. I am sure they appreate a straight ally. They also seem to like me on a personal level. On my side I love them very much on a personal level to friendship level. I think the world of these guys.

We were to have a party at his place and things were going well that night (this was before his birthday) and things were fine with him and I. I talked to him a bit but mostly to everyone else. Everyone was happy and enjoying themselves. I was having a blast.

So? I have to see him at each meeting. He is the vice president of the club. I am not sure if he is saying anything to the rest of the group. I think he is friends with the president and I want to be her friend too. I want to keep hanging around these people but with him being like this I am sure would cause issues somewhere.

There is another party at his place this coming week. I am sure he and I will get along as there will be others at the party so we don't really have to focus on each other. There is also that fear of looking bad in front of others that would make him think over being mean to me.

I really love these guys. I would do a lot for them within reason. You hear of people saying "throw me under a bus"? Yeah I would never throw any one of them (even that guy) under a bus. I would be the idiot running into the street and dragging them from harm's way. Everyone else I would stay and talk them down but that guy... yeah. I would just see he is safe and walk away. I am talking metaphoricly of course.

My guess as to what his issue is he was picked on for being gay. I think also he has self esteam issues for some reason. For some reason I am his target.

I am trying to avoid him when we are not to be around each other for the club. We might see each other at school but I won't go outside being nice. I will be polite but I won't go out of my way to go beyond that. Everyone else I would be happy to see and if there is time I would stop and talk to them. This guy would just get a simple wave and a greeting. I just have to be nice not be his buddy.

So how do I get him to lay off?

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 8:00pm

Have you tried talking to him about the change in attitude? If I understand your story correctly, he posted something on FB and you corrected him on FB? If that's what happened then he might have felt humiliated and made to look like an idiot in front of all of his FB friends. Seeing you reminds him of that public humiliation. Then he says or does things that he thinks make you look like an idiot, like  the issue about the bus schedule. Is it possible that this scenario describes what's going on?

If you did correct him publicly then you owe him an apology. Since you say that you would do anything for your GSA friends then you are probably willing to grovel a little in front of him to make him believe your apology. 

If he won't forgive you, or the above scenario is the not the problem you can either tell him to back off and stop being so rude, or just ignore him. Eventually he will probably get over it or get tired of being mean to you. Just continue being civil to him, its good practice for the rest of your life. You will run into people who are mean or rude to you for no good reason, and sometimes you have to deal with them on a regular basis. Take the high road and you will be able to feel good about your own behavior.

P.S. Next time you feel the need to correct someone, first decide if it really matters that they are misinformed on that fact. If so, then try to find a way to do it privately and tactfully.

Good luck in resolving this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 8:05pm

Why not just take him aside in a private conversation and ask him if everything is alright between you two?  If he denies anything, just give some examples as to why you think something is amiss.  If he continues to deny, or get bitchy for you asking, just respond with something like "I hope not because I really like you and if there is anything that I did that you perceived as insulting or offensive to you, please know that was never my intent. If there is something, either now or in future, that you want to discuss with me, I would welcome the opportunity to clear the air."

Then just leave it.  It will be hard for him to follow that with more attitude because you've disarmed the situation and have made every attempt to be mature and smooth things over.  If he does continue, and especially if he does publicly, call him out, again politely, and reiterate what you said to him privately and remind him that you are open to discussing any differences you two may have in an effort to resolve whatever it is that is preventing you two from getting along.  If he responds with more of the same, invite him to have a coffee right then any there and tell him that you really wish to resolve whatever it is that has come in the way of you two working together amicably, the sooner the better, as you feel very uncomfortable with the way he is behaving toward you.  Any further attempts by him to bully you in the group with his attitude will make him look very bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 9:21pm

I did appoligize to him. That was asked in someone's post. I don't have everyone's post in front of me. If there are unanswered questions let me know.

He says he is over the whole facebook thing. We taked a bit after he brought up that arugement and I thought all was well. I didn't say much and then a tad bit later I sent a friend request after he said he would add me if I don't correct him again.

Let me make a few things clear: He didn't make that graphic, he found it. I didn't say a damn thing rude about the entertainer. I didn't say a damn thing rude about him.

The day before his birthday I walked to his apartment (we are in the same complex) and gave him a card. He seemed to like that. I was in a hurry but he thanked me before I walked away. All seemed well.

Like I said until his birthday I thought all was well. He seemed ok with the president (but how can you hate her? she is so nice and cool). I saw him and wish him well and at some point (no one was around) he attacked me about the bus system.

The person he was with didn't seem happy to see me but I am thinking it is because we hardly  know each other. The person is one of the advisors of the group. I am not going to worry about that lady unless she acts odd this next meeting. I think she can be an adult and confront me if I did something... I hope.

We walked from the bus that evening and I tried to talk to him like mature adults. It was that or walk in silence. During the time we waited for the bus to the walk back home I mentioned I sent him a friend request. He said he was considering it.

If you have too many friend requests out there facebook finally puts you in a period where you have things taken away from you. I guess they are trying to stop spammers.

I didn't want to sit there in waiting plus I didn't want to mess up my account. I took down my friend request and sent him a message stating if he sends me a request I will accept it. I said either way he is a great guy (that was a lie. I think he is being a snot).

I know he was mad about the comedians we were to see that evening. I think it was the comments one comedian made that were homophobic. I saw how they could be considered funny but those were not attacks on me as I am not gay.

A side note to this: I feel guilty for finding them funny. Making fun of sexual orientation is not funny.

I am going to play it cool this next meeting and see how he acts. I will go the party but also pretty much ignore him. I will greet him as I come in and I will thank him as I leave.

I am also going to try to read that lady. Part of me thinks he said something about me to her. Another part thinks she wasn't really in the mood to say anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 10:05am

I'm confused.  You say that you did apologize to him and that this was already asked in another post.  Do you have another thread somewhere?  I only see two responses from other posters on this one, mine and ELC's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 10:24am

Someone suggested I appoligize for the facebook thing. I did. We were talking and he brought it up later in the month. He said he was over it. He also said he would add me if I don't correct him again.

I thought after we talked about the fight and then later about other things related to the group all was well.

Here is some stuff we discussed besides the facebook issue

1. I want to have a potluck out here. I figured we could get the club house and he and I could grill some stuff (we both have grills). He liked that idea

2. He asked how I felt about the president. Well gee, how do you think I feel about her? I think the world of her and the rest of the group. She is a great leader too.

3. There is some confrence that all the student groups are invited to. The board can go and there is 4 tickets left. He kept telling me to ask to go. I want to go but I want someone else to get a chance. This group if for them. I am the oldest and I am not gay. I am just in for the ride. I don't want to stand in the way of someone who really wants to go. He did seem a little annoyed by me waiting to see if someone wants to go or not.

He said later that I shouldn't be offended if I am told no. Why would I be? If I can't go I can't go. That's how we got into how cool the president is. Leading up to it I said I have no reason to be offended by her as she is so nice.

I hope this helps. Thanks for your input

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 3:13pm

Some more thoughts on all this.

1. I asked the president if she said anything about me having to get somewhere and have transportation issues. She said she didn't. I can't remember if I said anything to him about thansportation issues or if someone told him. I don't think she would lie to me

2. I am sure the president likes me as a person. When we were at that event she kept talking to me besides the normal greeting when we showed up to the event and when I told her goodbye as she left.

I was to watch a door and make sure no one gets in or out of it. Where I was standing was across the room from her. I asked her a question and then I didn't start any conversations during my door duty. She asked me if I was having fun at one point and I gave her the thumbs up.

I don't think she is faking being nice to me. If she honestly didn't like me she wouldn't go out of her way to say something to me besides answering a question.

3. I haven't had any fights with that advisior. I think she is just one of those not real warm people. She seems nice but not ... well warm. I am not going to worry about it unless she acts ticked at me tomorrow.

4. Tomorrow is our meeting.

5. I am going to be civil to that guy but pretty much stay out of his way and let him calm down for a few weeks. Maybe he will get tired of being a jerk to me and chill out.

6. I love the rest of them so very much. I hope all this nonsence will end. I don't want to start something within the group and/or have the rest of them hate me for some stupid reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 8:44pm

1. That guy was actually civil to me but he can be on the condincending side. He seems to have a short fuse. He don't react voilently but he can be a tad bitchy. Today he actually seemed happy to see me.

We are to have a party this thursday and he wanted me to help with the food. He was polite enough to feel awkward and not take me for granted. I told him that it's my job to help them. I am fine with helping them as long as I don't feel used. I am their support not their bitch.

I will walk on egg shells around him I guess. At least for now we are ok as long as he don't get mad at me.

2. I get the vibe that the president likes me on a personal level but I don't think there is a chance in hell she will call me her friend at least for now. I hope she got or will get the hint I am very loyal to the group and their cause.

3. I think a guy who started coming today is straight. I am not the only straight!! I love them all very much but I hated being the odd man out. It's bad enough I am old.

4. That advisior saw me in the morning and she was really happy to see me. I said to her in passing I will see her later for the meeting and that really seemed to make her happy. What can I say? I am lovable.

So:

1. I am not going to worry about that advisior. I guess that night she didn't realize it was me. You may know someone at some place and not be able to place them in another situation. It was that or maybe she was focused on something.

2. I will try to act natural around that guy and hopefully he will see me as a good guy and lay off for good.

3. I will give that girl some space but be open to helping her and the group out. I want to show her my loyality but I will not do anything else for now. If I do talk to her it will be group related unless we cross paths and I may stop and talk as our time allows. I will be polite but not be all up in her business. I will let her come to me now as I tried to be a friend.

I think for the most part they all know I am there in support of them and I am not there just to bs them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 8:44pm

1. That guy was actually civil to me but he can be on the condincending side. He seems to have a short fuse. He don't react voilently but he can be a tad bitchy. Today he actually seemed happy to see me.

We are to have a party this thursday and he wanted me to help with the food. He was polite enough to feel awkward and not take me for granted. I told him that it's my job to help them. I am fine with helping them as long as I don't feel used. I am their support not their bitch.

I will walk on egg shells around him I guess. At least for now we are ok as long as he don't get mad at me.

2. I get the vibe that the president likes me on a personal level but I don't think there is a chance in hell she will call me her friend at least for now. I hope she got or will get the hint I am very loyal to the group and their cause.

3. I think a guy who started coming today is straight. I am not the only straight!! I love them all very much but I hated being the odd man out. It's bad enough I am old.

4. That advisior saw me in the morning and she was really happy to see me. I said to her in passing I will see her later for the meeting and that really seemed to make her happy. What can I say? I am lovable.

So:

1. I am not going to worry about that advisior. I guess that night she didn't realize it was me. You may know someone at some place and not be able to place them in another situation. It was that or maybe she was focused on something.

2. I will try to act natural around that guy and hopefully he will see me as a good guy and lay off for good.

3. I will give that girl some space but be open to helping her and the group out. I want to show her my loyality but I will not do anything else for now. If I do talk to her it will be group related unless we cross paths and I may stop and talk as our time allows. I will be polite but not be all up in her business. I will let her come to me now as I tried to be a friend.

I think for the most part they all know I am there in support of them and I am not there just to bs them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 8:44pm

1. That guy was actually civil to me but he can be on the condincending side. He seems to have a short fuse. He don't react voilently but he can be a tad bitchy. Today he actually seemed happy to see me.

We are to have a party this thursday and he wanted me to help with the food. He was polite enough to feel awkward and not take me for granted. I told him that it's my job to help them. I am fine with helping them as long as I don't feel used. I am their support not their bitch.

I will walk on egg shells around him I guess. At least for now we are ok as long as he don't get mad at me.

2. I get the vibe that the president likes me on a personal level but I don't think there is a chance in hell she will call me her friend at least for now. I hope she got or will get the hint I am very loyal to the group and their cause.

3. I think a guy who started coming today is straight. I am not the only straight!! I love them all very much but I hated being the odd man out. It's bad enough I am old.

4. That advisior saw me in the morning and she was really happy to see me. I said to her in passing I will see her later for the meeting and that really seemed to make her happy. What can I say? I am lovable.

So:

1. I am not going to worry about that advisior. I guess that night she didn't realize it was me. You may know someone at some place and not be able to place them in another situation. It was that or maybe she was focused on something.

2. I will try to act natural around that guy and hopefully he will see me as a good guy and lay off for good.

3. I will give that girl some space but be open to helping her and the group out. I want to show her my loyality but I will not do anything else for now. If I do talk to her it will be group related unless we cross paths and I may stop and talk as our time allows. I will be polite but not be all up in her business. I will let her come to me now as I tried to be a friend.

I think for the most part they all know I am there in support of them and I am not there just to bs them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 10:07pm

Ignore him, try nd pretend that you haven´tnoticed his chnage of attitude and continue with your life. I guess you are giving him a lot of power.