I stick out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
I stick out
1
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 7:41pm

I am involved with the GSA at school.

1. I am one of two straight people

2. Everyone but one person is nice to me to my face

3. I am invited to do things related to the gay community but nothing else

I know I talk to people too much at times. I will take my part of the problem. Sometimes I wonder if they are just putting up with me because the idea of the group is acceptance. I talk to people too much. I admit it. I know it annoys me. I told full credit for that one. Buuuutttt (read on)

So I am friends with some of them on fb. I met this girl who don't really seem to know me real well. I think it was one of those "Oh hi you sent me a friend request. Ok we are friends" We don't talk at all. I only talked to her face to face once and she seemed scared of me or something. She posted something silly on fb and a lot of people responded back to it. She said something today and I didn't know if she was kidding or what. I asked what she meant and then I find out she unfriends me. I send a request and the message of "I am sorry".

The president when I see her goes overboard in how happy she is to see me. Lately when we meet up she gives me a hug and makes a big deal about me being around. When I part ways with her she gives me a hug. You would think I was her favorite person or something... but I tend to exaggerate. Her guy friend (also gay) makes a big deal over me too. He wants a hug and I of course loving hugs will give one to him too. I am about knocked over with all the love an attention. I have bad social anxiety so I don't know how to respond to all this. I like being loved but I don't know what to say in return. They seem really happy I make it to all the activities I am invited to.

The president's gf (they are to be married. How that works I don't know because it's illigal in most states including the one I am in) don't seem to know how to interact with me or what. When I met her I tried to be as polite as possible. The president introducted us and I of course shook her hand and said it was so nice to meet her. She don't really seem too happy to see me. I don't know if I make her mad, uncomfortable (since she don't know me) or what. Right now we are friends on fb.

I am invited to just about every gay thing out there in this world. I am not homophobic. I love gay people. I respect them. I think they are put through HELL. I feel really bad for them. I want them to be treated fairly.

That said some of the stuff I do with them makes me feel uncomfortable. I am not used to some stuff. I am not saying it's wrong or unnatural. I just don't have experience with stuff like that. I am also a tad of a prude. I really don't want to talk about sex that much. I don't want to know about two gay people. I don't want to know about straight people.

I am not from the area so I am around people I don't know. I walk around places and have to wait for the people from school to show up.

I also don't fit in. I am striaght. I am sure no one would care if they knew the truth. Those around probally think i am a lesbian since I am at the event. It's not a group I belong in.

I have had time where I am around a group of people and I don't fit in too. I am white. I can't look any whiter. I am irish so I have some of that paleness going on. There is no way you can call me black. In college I hung around a group of black students. They loved me and I loved them. Problem was they would talk about racism and other topcs and I would just sit there in silence. A lot of white people hurt a lot of other groups of people. Look at the natives!!! I sometimes feel bad for being a white person. I know I didn't do it but I don't want to be part of a group of people who did such evilness.

I went to a work party (they were making things to sell as a fundraiser). One party was at the presidents and her gf's house. The gf and I got along fine that day. I tried not to get in her way and be as polite as I can. I was their guest. I treated them with respect.

Ok so at the party I brought over some cake. When I left I said they can have the cake as I will leave it there. I got on the bus and I didn't really think about the cake. At the meeting the president said the cake was good. I forget if she ever said anything about the container. I have social axiety and so I sometimes say stuff I don't mean. If she did mention the container I don't know if I said give it to me later or to keep it. Hmmmmm.... I have a bad memory.

I asked her one day in a text to bring the container to the next meeting. She never responded to my text. I went to the meeting and no container. I didn't say a darn thing to her at the meeting. I figured she forgot.

This is exam week. I texted her agian asking her if she would take it to school and I can get it back then. No responce. I give up. If I keep asking her she I am sure would get mad.

The gf is studying to be a spanish teacher. I left a pm on fb asking her if she would tutor me if I was to take a spanish class. It was awhile back and I checked my messages and she saw the note last wensday. With tech these days I am not really sure if she really did see it. If she did I don't know if she read it all the way through or what. Ok, I asked. I will not bring it up unless I am scheduling classes for the next term. Once is enough.

So last friday I go to this one party for some organization that is a social service thingy. This isn't really something I felt comfortable being at. I thought I was taking this straight ally thing wayyyy too far. I met some really nice people. I didn't have a thing against the people on a whole. I just didn't fit in plus a lot of stuff I am not used to. Besides: I think me being there is a tad extream.

The president walked in with her guy friend and the gf. The two of course were happy to see me and hugged me. I will admit I didn't really look at the gf that much. I was having a bit of the social axiety thing going on and between two people it was hard to focus on someone else esp. if they are not trying to talk to me. I take responsiblity for my part in that.

The three went away and I sat down and talked to someone. I was having a lovely talk with this person but the situation was making me uncomfortable. If it was just us in a random area I would be just fine. Also I didn't know really how to talk to this person. I don't know their gender or gender identity or what. I didn't want to say something wrong. I would feel so bad if I hurt them. I also don't like wondering something like that. I would have talk to them more but

1. I wasn't feeling well (medical issue)

2. Awkward

3. I didn't want to miss the bus

4. I was starting to have a panic attack

I wish I could find this person again and talk more. We were talking about differnt parts of the state. I grew up here and never lived out of the state. I like knowing about differnt places in the state.

I said goodbye to the 3 and left. Of course the two hugged me. The gf looked awkward. The president was joking around with me and me being social awkward didn't know how to respond. She keeps making refrences to my last name. I don't mind she knows my name but I am not used to people using it. Pretend my last name is Black. She said I have an effect on a situation like when I walk in is when the party starts. She called it the Black effect had my name be Black.

The guy told me I have to come and help plan pride over the summer. I love to help but I don't feel they see me as a friend but just support staff. They don't want to do anything that's not related to the gay community with me. I see all over fb pictures and status messages related to all the fun they have. They all are friends with each other and then... there is me.

I am sure me asking for my container back is making the president mad by now. Ok fine. Keep the damn thing then.

Other than asking for the container I don't think there is any issue with her and I.

The guy friend and I seem to be fine too.

Like I said those two just about fall over themselves showing how happy they are to see me. I like being loved but I am not sure how to take it. I don't have many people show me that much love except for family and friends of the family.

Don't you find it odd that they seem to love me to death when they see me but they never invite me out somewhere? The president and the guy friend have my cell number. They can text or call. I am on fb. They know where I live. They have my school email.

Also what is the deal with the gf? The president seems fine with me around.

So.

I am going to keep quiet for awhile. I know I talk to people too often so I need to back away for awhile.

I am going to give up trying to get my contrainer back but never let them near any more of mine.

I am debating confronting them on the whole inviting me to things related to sexual orientation but nothing outside of that

I know my role is straight ally. I take my job very seriously. Even though I am to help them why can't they let me in on the fun? I feel so used. I feel so left out. I don't know if they really love me or not. Are those two really that happy to see me as a person or are they just glad they have a straight ally?

What about the others? No one really seems to want to invite me anywhere. They don't seem like they don't want me at the meetings. They seem fine with me being there. They don't hate me or anything.

Am I just support staff? Am I just around since they believe in acceptance?

Maybe I should just walk around with them and be their body guard. That's all what I seem to be to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2011
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 4:16pm

Have you thought about asking the president and her guy friend that seem so accepting to you on how you come across to people. Maybe they can help you feel more comfortable or let you know when you aren't picking up on social cues. It sounds like you stress out a lot on these situations. Have you sought professional help in working on your anxiety issues? You might find that it can help you relax and be more open to relationships. Big hugs, I know it's not easy to put yourself out there. 

 photo abbysummer_zps85da8a35.jpg