I stick out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
I stick out
16
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 7:41pm

I am involved with the GSA at school.

1. I am one of two straight people

2. Everyone but one person is nice to me to my face

3. I am invited to do things related to the gay community but nothing else

I know I talk to people too much at times. I will take my part of the problem. Sometimes I wonder if they are just putting up with me because the idea of the group is acceptance. I talk to people too much. I admit it. I know it annoys me. I told full credit for that one. Buuuutttt (read on)

So I am friends with some of them on fb. I met this girl who don't really seem to know me real well. I think it was one of those "Oh hi you sent me a friend request. Ok we are friends" We don't talk at all. I only talked to her face to face once and she seemed scared of me or something. She posted something silly on fb and a lot of people responded back to it. She said something today and I didn't know if she was kidding or what. I asked what she meant and then I find out she unfriends me. I send a request and the message of "I am sorry".

The president when I see her goes overboard in how happy she is to see me. Lately when we meet up she gives me a hug and makes a big deal about me being around. When I part ways with her she gives me a hug. You would think I was her favorite person or something... but I tend to exaggerate. Her guy friend (also gay) makes a big deal over me too. He wants a hug and I of course loving hugs will give one to him too. I am about knocked over with all the love an attention. I have bad social anxiety so I don't know how to respond to all this. I like being loved but I don't know what to say in return. They seem really happy I make it to all the activities I am invited to.

The president's gf (they are to be married. How that works I don't know because it's illigal in most states including the one I am in) don't seem to know how to interact with me or what. When I met her I tried to be as polite as possible. The president introducted us and I of course shook her hand and said it was so nice to meet her. She don't really seem too happy to see me. I don't know if I make her mad, uncomfortable (since she don't know me) or what. Right now we are friends on fb.

I am invited to just about every gay thing out there in this world. I am not homophobic. I love gay people. I respect them. I think they are put through HELL. I feel really bad for them. I want them to be treated fairly.

That said some of the stuff I do with them makes me feel uncomfortable. I am not used to some stuff. I am not saying it's wrong or unnatural. I just don't have experience with stuff like that. I am also a tad of a prude. I really don't want to talk about sex that much. I don't want to know about two gay people. I don't want to know about straight people.

I am not from the area so I am around people I don't know. I walk around places and have to wait for the people from school to show up.

I also don't fit in. I am striaght. I am sure no one would care if they knew the truth. Those around probally think i am a lesbian since I am at the event. It's not a group I belong in.

I have had time where I am around a group of people and I don't fit in too. I am white. I can't look any whiter. I am irish so I have some of that paleness going on. There is no way you can call me black. In college I hung around a group of black students. They loved me and I loved them. Problem was they would talk about racism and other topcs and I would just sit there in silence. A lot of white people hurt a lot of other groups of people. Look at the natives!!! I sometimes feel bad for being a white person. I know I didn't do it but I don't want to be part of a group of people who did such evilness.

I went to a work party (they were making things to sell as a fundraiser). One party was at the presidents and her gf's house. The gf and I got along fine that day. I tried not to get in her way and be as polite as I can. I was their guest. I treated them with respect.

Ok so at the party I brought over some cake. When I left I said they can have the cake as I will leave it there. I got on the bus and I didn't really think about the cake. At the meeting the president said the cake was good. I forget if she ever said anything about the container. I have social axiety and so I sometimes say stuff I don't mean. If she did mention the container I don't know if I said give it to me later or to keep it. Hmmmmm.... I have a bad memory.

I asked her one day in a text to bring the container to the next meeting. She never responded to my text. I went to the meeting and no container. I didn't say a darn thing to her at the meeting. I figured she forgot.

This is exam week. I texted her agian asking her if she would take it to school and I can get it back then. No responce. I give up. If I keep asking her she I am sure would get mad.

The gf is studying to be a spanish teacher. I left a pm on fb asking her if she would tutor me if I was to take a spanish class. It was awhile back and I checked my messages and she saw the note last wensday. With tech these days I am not really sure if she really did see it. If she did I don't know if she read it all the way through or what. Ok, I asked. I will not bring it up unless I am scheduling classes for the next term. Once is enough.

So last friday I go to this one party for some organization that is a social service thingy. This isn't really something I felt comfortable being at. I thought I was taking this straight ally thing wayyyy too far. I met some really nice people. I didn't have a thing against the people on a whole. I just didn't fit in plus a lot of stuff I am not used to. Besides: I think me being there is a tad extream.

The president walked in with her guy friend and the gf. The two of course were happy to see me and hugged me. I will admit I didn't really look at the gf that much. I was having a bit of the social axiety thing going on and between two people it was hard to focus on someone else esp. if they are not trying to talk to me. I take responsiblity for my part in that.

The three went away and I sat down and talked to someone. I was having a lovely talk with this person but the situation was making me uncomfortable. If it was just us in a random area I would be just fine. Also I didn't know really how to talk to this person. I don't know their gender or gender identity or what. I didn't want to say something wrong. I would feel so bad if I hurt them. I also don't like wondering something like that. I would have talk to them more but

1. I wasn't feeling well (medical issue)

2. Awkward

3. I didn't want to miss the bus

4. I was starting to have a panic attack

I wish I could find this person again and talk more. We were talking about differnt parts of the state. I grew up here and never lived out of the state. I like knowing about differnt places in the state.

I said goodbye to the 3 and left. Of course the two hugged me. The gf looked awkward. The president was joking around with me and me being social awkward didn't know how to respond. She keeps making refrences to my last name. I don't mind she knows my name but I am not used to people using it. Pretend my last name is Black. She said I have an effect on a situation like when I walk in is when the party starts. She called it the Black effect had my name be Black.

The guy told me I have to come and help plan pride over the summer. I love to help but I don't feel they see me as a friend but just support staff. They don't want to do anything that's not related to the gay community with me. I see all over fb pictures and status messages related to all the fun they have. They all are friends with each other and then... there is me.

I am sure me asking for my container back is making the president mad by now. Ok fine. Keep the damn thing then.

Other than asking for the container I don't think there is any issue with her and I.

The guy friend and I seem to be fine too.

Like I said those two just about fall over themselves showing how happy they are to see me. I like being loved but I am not sure how to take it. I don't have many people show me that much love except for family and friends of the family.

Don't you find it odd that they seem to love me to death when they see me but they never invite me out somewhere? The president and the guy friend have my cell number. They can text or call. I am on fb. They know where I live. They have my school email.

Also what is the deal with the gf? The president seems fine with me around.

So.

I am going to keep quiet for awhile. I know I talk to people too often so I need to back away for awhile.

I am going to give up trying to get my contrainer back but never let them near any more of mine.

I am debating confronting them on the whole inviting me to things related to sexual orientation but nothing outside of that

I know my role is straight ally. I take my job very seriously. Even though I am to help them why can't they let me in on the fun? I feel so used. I feel so left out. I don't know if they really love me or not. Are those two really that happy to see me as a person or are they just glad they have a straight ally?

What about the others? No one really seems to want to invite me anywhere. They don't seem like they don't want me at the meetings. They seem fine with me being there. They don't hate me or anything.

Am I just support staff? Am I just around since they believe in acceptance?

Maybe I should just walk around with them and be their body guard. That's all what I seem to be to them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 7:43pm

That first part where I said it "annoys me" I mean to say "it annoys people I know"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 11:54pm

Hon, your message is SOOO long, it's hard to read.  I think the gist of it is that you feel you aren't accepted by this group, or that they just "use" you for some reason.  I have to wonder, if you're straight, then why are you so determined to be a part of the GSA group?  Why don't you find other groups that you have more in common with?  You have to understand that in this life, not everyone is going to like you or want to be your busom buddy.  People on Facebook aren't friends, and if they unfriend you, you've lost nothing.  You really need to find other people to get friendly with.......find a group that you'd enjoy.......something musical, or a drama group, or a reading club.  If you're in a group that has the same interests and pastimes as you, you're bound to find some friends.  If you feel you talk too much, then make a conscious effort to allow others to talk.  Ask questions, and let them answer. 

I really think you need to look into some counseling.  Everyone has "social anxiety" at one time or another, that gets easier with maturity.  You complain when you feel no one likes you, but when they make a fuss over you, you get anxious.  You seem to put yourself into situations that would cause anyone anxiety. You worry about someone tutoring you in a class you might not even take.  You create your own anxieties.  Why would you join a group of black people.  Not that you shouldn't, but if you're not black, and you're not gay, what are you trying to prove, and to whom?  Check at school about the availability of counseling, you really do need it.  Good Luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 9:08am

Not sure what talking about this to a theropist would do. Talk is talk. They listen and that's about it. It's a few hundred dollars down the drain. They don't really do any good for some people. They don't work for everyone. You can talk about but but that's all theropy is. Talk. Anyone can talk really. Who needs some guy who has a fancy peice a paper to talk to. All I really need is an opinion and advice. Who needs a degree to do that? All you need is someone not in the situation to look in and give their opinion.

This group is fine for me. It's a gay STRIAGHT alliance. We come together to promote equality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 9:21am

I never understood what talking to someone needed a degree. Often all you do is rehash something and you feel even more like crap. They listen for an hour. They don't really do much in return. It's a waste of money in my eyes.

If it does help someone then that's it. It don't help everyone.

I am insulted when people say I need to talk to someone. It implies I have some sort of disorder and sick in the head.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 12:57pm

I had to read your post a few times to figure out what the issue is here.  I have a college-age transgender child with social anxiety issues, so I do want to offer some thoughts here.

You take being an ally seriously, and that's great - I do too.  I don't tell every random person I meet that my child is transgender because it's not always appropriate to the situation, but I do when I can because how else are people going to accept transgender people?  If they believe they have never met anyone who was transgender, but then they learn they are really only two degrees of separation from a transgender person, it can reduce the "otherness" of transgender people.  However, I don't go to PFLAG meetings because honestly I don't need the support and I'm not at a stage in my life where I can bear the burdens of other people's lives with respect to their LGBTQ family members.  I don't march or demonstrate for same-sex marriage because I haven't got the time at this stage in my life.  In other words, I am an ally who as an *individual* (but not as part of a group) does everything I can to let people know that *this* particular religious mom is not upset that she has a gay transgender kid and who believes in marriage equality.

The reason I say all that is to let you know that just because you're an ally doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to fit with this particular group. Any group is comprised of individual members.  The members of that group are what makes the group what it is.  Go visit eight high schools' spring musicals, and you'll immediately see that one high school drama company is not just like every other high school drama company - some are highly inclusive, others take it very seriously as though it were a professional production.  It's the same thing with GSAs.  The members of the group may find you great to have at meetings but don't necessarily want to socialize with you elsewhere.  You say you're socially awkward, so while they may be happy to have a straight person there to make it the GSA and not the GA, they may not be comfortable with you outside of the structure of group events.

It sounds like you do have a number of things going on - a certain obsessiveness, social anxiety, and so on.  A therapist CAN help you.  You shouldn't dismiss this option without even exploring it.  Not every person will click with every therapist, but you *can* find one who is right for you.  Start with your college's health services.

My son has seen various therapists over the last 7 years and has worked through issues of gender identity and social anxiety among other things.  There is no way that at the age of 20 he would be where he is without the aid of those people - and, most recently, Zoloft and Xanax - neither of which you can get without a therapist working with a psychiatrist. 

Incidentally, while he is a member of the Pride Alliance at his school, it has not been a great source of friends for him either.  He has made far more friends through taking classes with the same set of people for the last three years (his college numbers about 2700 students).  Most of his friends happen to be lesbians, but he didn't meet them through Pride. 

I suggest you try to find other organizations that also interest you, and see if you click with those groups.  And do go see someone in Mental Health Services.  It will not hurt you, and it may help a great deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 2:02pm

You could ask the president what she thinks your role is within the organization, or how about the other straight person in the group, do they feel as you do, have you two discussed it?  I think for those who suggested you try therapy, you mention social anxiety and on the verge of a panic attack at a social event, a therapist could perhaps give you some techniques to try in these situations so you feel more comfortable.  A therapist could role play with you so that they can see how you are when conversing with people, and give you some ideas for being more approachable or less scary (you mentioned that someone seemed afraid of you?).  The other thing I recommend is to join other groups that are of interest to you so that this one group is not the focus of all your attention.  You may be wanting too much out of this group that they just can't give you, which is not your fault or theirs, it's just the nature of things. 

"That said some of the stuff I do with them makes me feel uncomfortable. I am not used to some stuff. I am not saying it's wrong or unnatural. I just don't have experience with stuff like that. I am also a tad of a prude. I really don't want to talk about sex that much. I don't want to know about two gay people. I don't want to know about straight people."  This comment to me speaks volumes, if you are not comfortable, it probably shows, and in turn makes *them* uncomfortable.   I realize this is the Gay Straight Alliance, but seems to me the majority are gay and so they are going to feel comfortable speaking freely with others who can fully accept their lifestyle, and are going to do so within the confines of this group. 

Here is a question, why are you waiting for someone to invite you to do something?  Take the initiative, plan a fun event, and invite them!  You can even enlist a few others to help you plan the event that way you can get to know them while setting it up.  I have found for myself, activity really sparks conversation.  I am not the greatest conversationalist when it comes to small talk, but give me a purpose or activity which gives me an opportunity to interact with others and I shine. 

Good luck!

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 5:42pm

I just read a previous posting from you where you list your age as being 31.  I would have never imagined that you were that age given what you have posted.  You seem rather immature, perhaps because you've been a student for so long?  Have you ever had a full time job, or are you a perpetual student?  It seems like you have lived a very sheltered life, which may be why you are uncomfortable around people discussing sexuality and the like.  I still agree with a previous poster who recommended therapy as it seems like you could use some guidance in your life.  Barring that, perhaps a life coach? 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 5:54pm

I have been to many talk theropists. They don't work. They don't work for everyone. It's not some magical wonder that cures everyone.  Some things work for some people. I happen to be a person who can't get any benifit from it. Case closed.

I tried many times to get them to do things with me. I asked the president twice to hang out. I suggested that as a group we all recover from midterms and go to a lake area, get lunch and walk along the beach. I invited everyone.

I told them that if what is going on in the courts work to their favor I will throw them a victory party. If it don't work out I was going throw them an end of the school year party. I posted the idea on facebook and no responce. I brought it up at the last meeting and people were excited about the idea of a party.

I tried many times to get them to do stuff with me. Many many many many times. They only invite me to gay community things. I am fine hanging with them outside of school. I enjoy them. They seem to enjoy me, most of them. The president's gf don't seem to like me. One guy I have issues with (see another post about that) here and there. Everyone else loves me. The president and her guy friend are estatic to see me. At meetings people are happy I show up. They all like me at least on a personal level.

I can't go from "Hey that was fun planing pride" to "hey a movie sounds fun". I offer to go to an event not related to sexual orientation and nothing happens.

Every get together related to the gay community they invite me to. They seem to expect me to go. I am sure they would miss me if I never showed up.

During pride week they seemed happy to see me. There was an open  mic night. I read two poems. There was a drag show and they really tried to sell it to everyone who was a student. Pride week was open to everyone who was a student regardless of sexual orientation.

The guy who I have issues with now and then keeps reminding me that I am really part of the group. I sometimes say things and in ways that sound like I am just hanging around and not a member. He reminds me that I come to the meetings and the events and therefore I am a member.

Someone told me that she thinks they are just warming up to me. I tried to get them to hang out when I first met them and they don't know really who I am yet. She told me to go to these events and maybe they willl see me for who I am and put the walls down. They see me as a member now and they need to work up to "friend" status. They want me to be a part of the group but they don't really know me besides a student. She thinks they need to see me outside of the meetings and realize who I am and get to know me. They don't know me yet is the issue. I think that she is right. They see me all the time at meetings but they don't know me outside of that.

Here is my plan of attack

1. Go help them with pride

2. Be as polite and "normal" around the gf as I can. I will feel her out and try to figure out if she is just not sure who I am or honestly annoyed with me. I would think that a person like the president couldn't possiably date someone rude, hateful or uptight.

3. When planning feel them out. Are they viewing me as just someone who helps out or if they see me as a friend yet?

4. I am wondering if I should even ask them about this. I am tempted to ask why I am only invited to gay related things.

"Hey thanks for inviting me to your events. They are a lot of fun. Why not go to something outside of this sometime? I bet there are a lot of fun things we could do. We could have a lot of fun over the summer months"

I don't want to keep asking since that would look bad. The last time I suggested anything was the party for them.

5. I will give up trying to get the tupperware

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 6:02pm

Obsessed with what?

Yes, I have social axiety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 6:08pm

The reason why I am so old is because I was in a near fatal car crash 7 years ago. I have been through hell. Try living with all this and having things done for you and not being able to do things on your own or be able to plan and we will talk. Just think about that beforfe you call me immature. Think about this: Many older people are in college. I was in a class and there was a guy old enough to be my dad. Life happens. Might want to consider that before you judge hmmmmm?

I am not used to the gay community because I don't really know many gay people outside of this group. Some people are not comfortable with every situation. Some people do well with the developely disabled population. Some people just don't know how to interact much less feel comfortable with them. Can everyone be a teacher? Heck no. Some people don't have the personality for it. Some people don't feel comfortable around kids. Not everyone can be Mother Theresa.

I don't have to prove anything to you. You should walk a mile in my shoes.

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