Just forget her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Just forget her?
3
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 2:07pm

So about 5 years ago i met a girl and we became good friends.  We then started introducing our friends to one another and then we became a network of girlfriends.  At the start of it all she really took to one of my BFF.  I was ok with this, in fact i was happy that they hit it off.  One day i was having issues with my BFF and when i went to speak to my friend about it, she stopped me before i can say anything and said i had to figure it out with my BFF.  I was kind of blindsided that she became such good friends with my BFF to the extent that i couldn't even talk about her.  I respected that but ever since i never felt like i could get any closer with my friend so i let it be.  One day my BFF and my friend have a pretty bad argument and they became weird with one another. Then my friend has a bad argument with her BFF (not my BFF) and acts even weirder!  I did try to reach out and ask what was going on and while she did tell me some things, it was very apparent that she didn't want me in her business.  So i ultimately stopped asking and we have been out of touch.  I thought our friendship officially came to an end when her birthday came and went and she never invited me.  I found out she had a shindig via Facebook. Oh and then there is Facebook.  She is constantly updating her status about how she can see people's true colors and how she's waning people out of her life.  I felt like they were indirects or jabs at me even though i know i did nothing to her.  After having not spoken for awhile she texted me out the blue that she misses me and wants to see me.  Is this bitch bipolar?  The situation upsets me because i feel jerked around.  My question is: should i even bother with this or just forget her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 11:04pm

By the sound of your history with her, bringing up "stuff" doesn't go down too well with her.  So, if you're going to have a talk with her, and I do think that is the best way of getting to the heart of the matter, then be prepared that it may be a make it or break it conversation.  When you talk with her, or beforehand rather, really think on your words.  Don't hold back on what you want to say but there are ways to couch them without sounding accusatory.  You can talk to her from your perspective and how YOU feel, for instance.  You feel pushed away, shut out, and it's hurt you and that's why you want to talk to her because you miss her.  Ask her if there is something that you've inadvertently done and if so, you're sorry and that you'd never intentionally hurt her.  If she opens up and becomes accusatory, stick up for yourself but be diplomatic.  Come at the problem from the perspective of solving the issue.  It's been helpful in my experience to take on an observational role and think of things in terms of perspective.  You don't have to own, and nor should you own, anything that she's perceived you've done but you have not done.  You can tell her that you're sorry that she's felt that way and that you never intended to hurt her, and realize that maybe she is in the same position as you and has not intended to push you away.  If she shuts down and the conversation never really gets started, tell her that you care and that you're there for her and leave it at that.  From that point, be prepared to move on in life without her being a big part of it as friendship is a two-way street and if she won't communicate - either because she can't or won't - then that is something she needs to work on in her own life and you should not expect yourself to do all of the work. 

As an aside (but imo an important one) passive-aggressive Facebook status updates are the epitome of immaturity and manipulation.  Anyone on my FB list that does this is not a part of my close inner circle for a reason.  People do this when they want to aim emotional missiles at someone without the responsibility of owning up to it definitively plus they are too insecure to face confrontation.  Things like that need to be done privately if someone really wants to work on their relationships.  I personally tend to step away from people who do this.  I don't find them to be in a good state of mind and to me it just spells "high maintenance".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 4:21pm

you are 100% right.  The words "high maintenance" does come to mind when thinking about her.  We are to meet for lunch in a week but i have been thinking so much about how i am going to approach this topic without getting into an argument with her.  I am nervous because i do not know what will be the outcome of the discussion.  If i really think about this whole situation i find that i am quite upset about it.  My other concern is she and my BFF arent speaking so now i feel like i am caught in the middle.  I hate drama but i really want to put an end to it it's just the outcome is uncertain. It's stressful unfortunately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 10:46pm

If you're still quite upset about it, I might suggest that you don't have this conversation with her until you are in a more detached and observational frame of mind over it.  You're far more likely to have success in couching your words more diplomatically and will be able to see things as they truly are and not from an emotional point of view.  You'll also remain in command of the conversation when you're not as emotionally attached to what's upsetting you.

You can use this dinner to gently probe on how she's been and get a view into her state of mind.  You can also establish that you are neutral in this falling out between her and your other friend.   If she continues to bash your other friend, do not add anything to the conversation.  Just listen and gently change the subject.