Sudden Change

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
Sudden Change
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 1:44pm

I have a friend that I love dearly. She is in her early 20's and married to an older man. In the last 4 years, they have had 3 children, she has quit working to care for them and the added needs plus the loss of her paycheck has taken a toll on them. They receive government subsidy, and still barely get by.

She has complained several times that they cannot afford to buy Christmas presents or birthday presents for the kids, diapers or other things that the family needs, will ask me for help if I can, which I usually do (in the form of what is needed, no cash) then she will call me and talk about the weekend they just got back from at a theme park and how good it was to sleep in a motel and eat at a restaurant. They have started to rely heavily on the charity of food banks, churches and anywhere else they can receive goods and services, up to and including a home that is being built for them.

The last child was born last month, and two weeks after the baby was born, she told me that they were thinking about trying one more time for a boy. As I stated earlier, I love her dearly, but I think they are insane. She often makes comments that I am lucky to only have one older child that I don't have to haul around with me all the time and that I can get peace at night and go out in public.

I bite my tongue and say nothing when I really want to tell her that it is her fault for not being responsible and telling her husband no because he wants a son so badly. She has said several things that have been rude, hurtful and out of left field since the last one was born, and I really want some advice on how to gently lay down the friendship and walk away. I am tired of bring berated because I made different choices than she has.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 12:44am

"how to gently lay down the friendship and walk away"

The most gentle way, from your side anyway, would probably be to start "ghosting" her. Let her calls go to voicemail, don't be available to get together, definitely don't come to her rescue anymore with whatever help you have been providing.

Try not to feel guilty for "abandoning" her to the consequences of her choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 11:50pm

I really think so many people have gotten into such an entitlement mentality in our country that they don't bother to think of consequences of their choices.  If they WANT another baby, then by all means have another baby and expect taxpayers and charities to help them pay their way.  So, I don't think it's so hard to understand your friend choosing to go that route.

I personally don't want friends like that, so I would move on.  I like having friends who are responsible and don't expect others to pay their way.  It just makes me feel...what's the word..."cleaner"???  Your friend wouldn't remain in my circle very long.  Friendships are born, grow and sometimes die off.  If you were me, I'd be putting my efforts into choosing a gravestone for this friendship instead of helping her pay for her entitled lifestyle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 5:31pm

Unfortunately, it's the generousity of friends like you that she's able to live her lifestyle devoid of responsibility.  How she is able to continue having chidlren and being supported by the government is beyond me.  I'm surprised that you aren't so angry that you just say to hell with her!  Especially if after all your support she makes rude and hurtful comments to you about your lifestyle!  She's also setting a poor example for her children.  Sometimes friends change, and not for the better, which is why it might be time to cut ties with her.  If she asks why, be honest, what do you have to lose?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 11-17-2013 - 10:02pm

I think that your friend and her Hus are like  irresponsible kids. She seems to just want to please her hus, who is desperate for a boy. It is sad that you love her dearly and have to listen her complains.

When I was younger I tolerated a lot from friends, but we all get tired to listen and watch people digging their own graves, asking us for help, as they dig more and more into the same.

I think the case is hopeless...

Be busy, don´t call her, if you don´t want to hurt her feeling go slowly.

This is a friendship that will hurt you more as time goes by.

We all need to take care of ourselves.