Toxic Ex-Friend called me... HELP
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|Mon, 12-17-2012 - 5:24am|
If I get into too much detail, this will be way too long, and it’s going to be long enough as it is, but here goes…
A few years ago, I made friends with my husband’s friend’s wife. For a while we had a lot of fun and adventure, the four of us, but things got toxic between her and me. She is a very intense narcissist, and by the time we stopped speaking to each other, she messed me up quite a bit emotionally. I spent two years moving on, finding myself, trying to become the person I was before, only better. Everyone I know has told me how different I am now (in a good way), and it feels great.
For a while I felt like I could finally move on with my life.
Then in October, she sent me a long message, not actually apologizing for anything but trying to make it sound like she was. I didn’t respond to her, but I read and re-read the message, wondering if I should write back to tell her I was done and didn’t want to speak with her again, if I should try to make nice with her, etc. I decided it was better if I just ignored it.
Last night, she called me. Thankfully, I was in the shower and it went to voicemail. She left a message saying she was wondering how my husband and I are doing, and to call her back if I want.
I could handle the written message. I know her well enough to know that she hasn’t changed, no matter how adamantly she insists she has been doing some soul-searching. I’m not proud to admit this, but I’ve quietly kept tabs on her since we stopped speaking, and she’s exactly the same as she used to be. If it had been left to that, I could have spent the rest of my life looking back with some fond memories and some horrible nightmare memories and been just fine. That voicemail, though, is making it hard on me. She sounded almost pathetic and insecure, which is NOT like her.
I know I can’t handle being close friends with her again. I know I can’t be “at-a-distance” friends with her, because I know it would grow back into that toxic close friendship. I just can’t shake the feeling that if I just ignore her altogether, it makes me some sort of bad guy. I worry more that if I respond in any way, we will somehow become friends again and I’ll have to go through the constant criticism and the unwanted competition and all the stuff that messed with my head the first time around.
As I said earlier, if I went into detail, this would be novel-length.
I think he reason it’s SO hard is because I feel sad for my husband and her husband as they no longer speak to each other either. They were friends before she and I ever met, and they were good for each other. I hate that it’s because of their feuding wives they no longer have that friendship. I keep thinking that if I wrote to her (no way I could call and talk), and explained that while I don’t want to see her again, maybe our husbands could be friends on neutral ground, keeping us wives out of it? I shudder to think of how she could respond to that, but I love my husband and hate that he does not have a good friend anymore because of me.
I could really use some advice on this. What should I do? Should I write to her?