Am I a bad daughter?
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|Mon, 06-02-2014 - 3:19am|
Some back story: my father committed suicide in 2009, my husband lost his job the same month, and I was fightig some really bad illnesses. 3 months after my father's death I moved 3 hours away to find work. I love it here. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, bipolar disorder, degenerative disc disease, migraine, weak immune system, pcos (just had historectomy few months back, severe food allergies. I'm not working anymore do to these health problems and money is not always there.
It has gotten to the point I hate visiting my mom. 3 hour drive is miserable for me. I feel like I'm gonna vomit sometimes do, panic attacks, start getting headaches, and nose bleeds. Its hard for me to stay night at her house due to my dad dying in the house.
So my mom keeps making negative comments on the way I live. (Which is we own a home with a couple that we have p friends with for a long time) she says I don't call enough (which is normally 1-2 times a week). I don't visit enough but I try to visit both mom and Hubby's family once a month. I have an older sister who lives 1.5 hours from her as well. Most recent blow up was over a cemetery decoration get together. I came down to visit for mother's day weekend stayed 4 days with her, and sis came for 1 dull day. Decoration was the following weekend. My sis had vacation planned and I could not make the trip again. She complained over and over my sister airways comes up with an excuse to not come. I have been the least 5 years and I was also tired of to those things. I sing so well with large groups of people. That day came and after she got home she called both of us and said "put this date on your calendar right now for next year. All I want for mother's day next year is you 2 to go to decoration with me!" I'm an adult and so is my sister I personally don't like being told I have to do something.
Few weeks later I came to visit again to bring her new computer we got her and go to neice graduation. I started the night with mom in law and next day went to her house. I had to leave earlier than planned do to bad weather coming in soon and neice that came down with me was sick. So i needed to get her back home. I ate lunch with mom and she proceeds to point out I never stay long with her, I sideways stay with in laws more, I go to them whenever they ask, never come when she wants me to, etc. She kept saying this was not just about me but kept repeating your sister is just like YOU. This is inferring of a restraint full of people. I had to calm myself down cause I was getting angry. I was at the point of walking out and saying i m not coming back.
I was so stressed and upset about this ongoing drama that when a car almost got me on the way home I didn't care. Ask I could think was well she could fuss at me for not coming around after I died. I have had history of suicidal thoughts. I am in therapy for that and bipolar. My brain only hears the negatives about me alone. She knows this.
I have explained I don't do crowds or rowdy children. I'm not responsible for my words if you force me to be in that situation. My husband is the only person that can see the signs when I'm going to freak out and he is the only person that can call me down. My dog can alert me of emotional changes so I can focus more but that doesn't work always.
**when I do stay over at her house I sleep in living room floor at night, during the day and evening we watch lifetime or hallmark channel and very few words are exxsanged. It is just so boring there.
Am I the horrible daughter she is making me out to be? 8⅞8