Am I a bad daughter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2012
Am I a bad daughter?
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 3:19am

Some back story: my father committed suicide in 2009, my husband lost his job the same month, and I was fightig some really bad illnesses. 3 months after my father's death I moved 3 hours away to find work. I love it here. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, bipolar disorder, degenerative disc disease, migraine, weak immune system, pcos (just had historectomy few months back, severe food allergies. I'm not working anymore do to these health problems and money is not always there.

It has gotten to the point I hate visiting my mom. 3 hour drive is miserable for me. I feel like I'm gonna vomit sometimes do, panic attacks, start getting headaches, and nose bleeds. Its hard for me to stay night at her house due to my dad dying in the house.

So my mom keeps making negative comments on the way I live. (Which is we own a home with a couple that we have p friends with for a long time) she says I don't call enough (which is normally 1-2 times a week). I don't visit enough but I try to visit both mom and Hubby's family once a month. I have an older sister who lives 1.5 hours from her as well. Most recent  blow up was over a cemetery decoration get together. I came down to visit for mother's day weekend stayed 4 days with her, and sis came for 1 dull day. Decoration was the following weekend. My sis had vacation planned and I could not make the trip again. She complained over and over my sister airways comes up with an excuse to not come. I have been the least 5 years and I was also tired of to those things. I sing so well with large groups of people. That day came and after she got home she called both of us and said "put this date on your calendar right now for next year. All I want for mother's day next year is you 2 to go to decoration with me!" I'm an adult and so is my sister I personally don't like being told I have to do something. 

Few weeks later I came to visit again to bring her new computer we got her and go to neice graduation. I started the night with mom in law and next day went to her house. I had to leave earlier than planned do to bad weather coming in soon and neice that came down with me was sick. So i needed to get her back home. I ate lunch with mom and she proceeds to point out I never stay long with her, I sideways stay with in laws more, I go to them whenever they ask, never come when she wants me to, etc. She kept saying this was not just about me but kept repeating your sister is just like YOU. This is inferring of a restraint full of people. I had to calm myself down cause I was getting angry. I was at the point of walking out and saying i m not coming back.

I was so stressed and upset about this ongoing drama that when a car almost got me on the way home I didn't care. Ask I could think was well she could fuss at me for not coming around after I died. I have had history of suicidal thoughts. I am in therapy for that and bipolar. My brain only hears the negatives about me alone. She knows this. 

I have explained I don't do crowds or rowdy children. I'm not responsible for my words if you force me to be in that situation. My  husband is the only person that can see the signs when I'm going to freak out and he is the only person that can call me down. My dog can alert me of emotional changes so I can focus more but that doesn't work always. 

**when I do stay over at her house I sleep in living room floor at night, during the day and evening we watch lifetime or hallmark channel and very few words are exxsanged. It is just so boring there. 

Am I the horrible daughter she is making me out to be? 8⅞8

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 9:29am

If you were a bad daughter, I don't think your mother would keep wanting you to come see her more.  IMHO, not too many mothers/parents get to see their adult children enough to suit them.  I know I don't.  LOL

Though it's not technically your problem, your mothers poor communication of love skills is affecting you (and your sister).  Perhaps you could visit with your therapist regarding your own boundaries and when to turn your mother's comments off, so to speak.  It takes some skill and practice.  Sounds like there are more mental health issues going on than just yours.  Bear that in mind.

My parents generation thought that if you told your child they could do better, that was how you conveyed that you thought they were smart and very capable.  Unfortunately many of us did not perceive the technique that way and interpreted it as, we were not ever good enough.  Perhaps that is in play here as well?  I don't know.

I have had to "get real" recently with my mother and father.  It was not easy to do, but was well worth it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 12:49pm

It does not sound like you are a bad daughter at all, but it does sound like your mother will use manipulation tactics to make you feel that way, without concern for your well-being.  The only person you can change in this scenario is you, but you need to learn some tactics. 

This is where your therapist comes in, you two can role play so you can become comfortable with responses you can give your mother, or, if all else fails, remove yourself from the situation.  I too would feel sick to my stomach if I had a relationship with my mother as you do with yours. 

My father also died in the house my mother still lives in, and it creeps me out to no end.  I absolutely refuse to stay overnight there (for other reasons as well), but I don't live too far (2 hours) so I usually only stay for the day, or stay in a hotel.  My mother completely understands that I have a life beyond her, and while I do make an effort, I hate the drive due to traffic, and I have to drive quite a distance for my job all week long. 

With the list of illnesses you have, and the lack of money to travel, it sounds like you go above and beyond, but your mother just does not see that at all.  My father embarrassed me ONCE in a grocery store, I never went shopping with him again (this was when I was in my teens).  I also avoided going to restaurants with him because he would always do something embarrassing...he just did not care, it was all about him.  If you keep letting her bully you, nothing will change.

Good luck.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein