Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Am I crazy?
6
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 12:15pm

My husband had an emotional affair with his boss. This is a woman that he brought into my life and the lives of my children and we became friends. He told me about the affair about 6 months ago, even though I'd known for at least a year that it was happening. He denied it until he finally fessed up. We have been trying to work on our marriage but he still works in the same field as she does, even though he left the job where he worked directly with her. I hate the fact that he still has contact with her!! To make matters worse, he refuses to keep me in the loop about their contact. I just want to know when he sees and talks to her so that I'm not surprised if someone else tells me. That happened before. He said he was eating lunch in his office but my friend saw the two of them at a restaurant together. He deletes all calls and texts, yet I can see that her number is in his "frequently called" list on his phone. Yes, I blame my husband for the problems but she contributed. I had told her (and him) more than a year ago that I was uncomfortable with how close she and my husband were. I explained that I understood that they worked together and they had to talk/text but the intimacy they seemed to have was very uncomfortable for me. The fact that they talked/texted all hours of the day and night, even weekends, made me uncomfortable. Yet, they BOTH continued, which led to the emotional affair. 

To make matters even worse, she is friends with both of my in-laws and several of my close friends on Facebook. I'm not friends with her on there. My mil is aware of the problems she has helped to cause in my marriage. She knows that this woman told several of my close friends about our marital problems, after my husband had talked to her in confidence. She went and told 4 couples that my husband and I are very close to (whom she met through my husband and who we did not want to know about our problems until we knew whether we were going to work on things or divorce). Yes, she thought it was her job to tell my closest friends about my marital problems. Don't you think that is something that I or my husband should have been able to do in our own time?? 

Anyway, I've talked to mil about this because we are very close and she tells me that she is very disappointed in her son and that she is only friends with her on Facebook so that she can keep an eye out for suspicious behavior regarding my husband. So, on my newsfeed yesterday, I was alerted that mil had commented on this woman's new profile picture! She commented "That is a beautiful picture of you and your children" :(

To make matters even worse, the friend who told me that this woman had told everyone about our marital problems just joined Facebook a few days ago. Keep in mind, when he told me everything she had said, I made it very clear what my feelings are toward this woman. I saw last night that he friended her!! WTF??? 

So, I need to know if I'm crazy for feeling betrayed by my family and friends? Not only has my husband given this woman his heart, now my friends and family are making it pretty clear where they stand. I could never be friends with someone who had hurt someone I cared about the way this woman has hurt me. It makes me believe that if my husband and I do divorce and they get together, my mil and friends will welcome her with open arms. That is devastating to me.  Am I crazy to feel this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 11:15pm

No, you're not crazy and you know it.

The problem is not the other woman, your friends, your mil, or Facebook.  The problem is YOUR HUSBAND.  Hello?????? He is still calling her,  He is still involved with her.  Stop communicating with all the other people about YOUR cheating husband.  You need to see a good thera[ist and maybe even an attorney.  This is not an issue for strangers on an internet message board.  

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: elc11
Sat, 03-29-2014 - 12:03pm

My question was, do your friends *think* that she is a close friend? If so, then they would have no reason to cut her. I can understand that you wouldn't want to tell everybody about your marital problems so they may assume that she's still your friend.

Like Serenity said, you might want to post this on a relationship board because the problem here isn't really with friends, its your husband refusing to show that he has cut all emotional ties with her.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 1:58pm

I think that after an A, even if an EA, there needs to be a degree to transpariency.  

Have you ever noticed that some married couples share one FB account?  Guessing that they have been tought, or just simply have the belief system that you just don't tempt fate.  Heck, not to offend anyone here, but it is my understanding that the Morman faith believes that a married man or woman should not ever be alone with another man or woman.  I am sure if I am incorrect someone will correct me.  :)  

Unfortunately, it sounds like this gal is rather likeable.  Therefore, I have a feeling you are not going to feel that a side has been picked in this one.  

Lastly, did you notice that your entire post was regarding Facebook?   How much of this would not even exist if you weren't bombarded with it.  KWIM?

Good luck and I hope you can find some common ground with your DH in all of this, because that is really the R that matters the most.  

p.s.  you may also want to lurk on the other Marriage, Relationship, and Affair boards

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 9:54am
She met everyone through myself and husband. She sort of started to take over aspects of my life, in that way. We brought her to a few functions with our close group of friends and she sent some of them friend requests on Facebook. We invited her to our kids bday parties, where my in-laws were, and she sent them friend requests. It always seemed that she was trying to take my place in that regard but I thought I was just being paranoid..now I'm not so sure. So, no, she's not a close family friend, she is simply someone who is trying to get in good with my and my husbands family and friends. You are spot on about feeling insecure with my relationship with my husband. I am constantly wondering if he still talks to her about our relationship, if they still confide in each other about non-work related issues. He will not be transparent with me. He thinks I should just trust that he only talks to her when he has to. We were in marriage counseling when their EA started and we wasted over $1,400 so we won't be going back for a while. Lizmvr, maybe I will start talking more on Facebook about him. Hopefully, the next time she opens her mouth, maybe one of my "friends" will actually tell her to stfu :)
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 1:27am

You're not crazy, its understandable that you would want family and friends to "take your side". Do they actually know the extent of her relationship with your dh or do they just think she is a close family friend? 

Unfortunately you can't control anybody else's behavior, just your own. I'm thinking that a lot of the problem is that you still feel very insecure in your relationship with your husband because you suspect that he is still emotionally involved with her. If you felt secure in your marriage then you would be less bothered by what she says or does, or if other people pay attention to her.

Your husband needs to be transparent with you to regain your trust. Are you getting marriage counseling?

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 4:43pm

Just a quick comment: Maybe you should start dating your husband more often and update FB with all of the fun you two are having together, reigniting your own romance. That would send a message to all of your FB friends and show them that this other woman must not know what she was talking about with regard to you and your husband having problems.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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