Avoiding A Friend's Wedding Because Of An Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2014
Avoiding A Friend's Wedding Because Of An Ex
4
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 12:28am

One of my friends, who was in my wedding, is now getting married. I am not in her wedding. I had meant to talk to her before she got engaged about a concern I had about her wedding someday. That concern is that my ex will be at her wedding...

My now-husband refuses to be around my ex becuase I made a huge mistake. About four years ago, while my now-husband and I were still dating, things were rocky and I stupidly saw my ex. I came clean to him about it and we worked through it. He's forgiven me and I've forgiven myself. But that doesn't mean we've forgotten, and there's no way I would put him in a situation where he would have to spend a fraction of a second with my ex.

Now, my friend has been friends with my ex for a while, so I am sure he will be at her wedding. Her family is friends with my family, too, so me just not going opens up history that I'd rather stay in the past. Unfortunately life isn't that easy, and I realize that one way or another I'm going to have to break the news to her.

I don't know if I should try to work out a way to see her and spend time with just her and her husband-to-be before the wedding and not attend, or just avoid the event altogether. This is a predicament that has been weighing on me heavily and I honestly don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated, as tough a pill as it may be to swallow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2013

You might consider starting by talking through this with your husband. Share your heart with him regarding being part of your friend's day, talk through boundaries together and see if you can't find a win-win. Our decisions from the past will affect us, but we get to determine if they become opportunities for growth or if they will just stir up more pain. I hope this is an opportunity for healing in your marriage. Focus on the Family's website has some good info on communication and conflict - I've used it in my own marriage. Just a thought if you are feeling stuck with how to start. All the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think if your DH has realy forgiven you he could tolerate being in the same room with your ex considering it's an event where there are likely to be quite a lot of people.  And it was 4 yrs ago as you said and you got married, so I think it's time for him to get over it.  Not to mention that you weren't even married at the time.  If you have to have some sessions with a marriage counselor to talk about it, it would be worth it.  I can't imagine that he thinks that you would be cheating with your ex at a wedding when you are going to be with your DH, so is it just the thought of being in the same room with this guy that is going to fill him with rage and maybe make him want to punch the guy in the nose?  do you see how childish and ridiculous this is?  I can sorf of understand if this was like a long term affair that happened while you were married, but it sounds like a brief encounter--and when you say that you "saw" your ex, does that literally mean that you only saw him or did you have sex with him, because if you didn't even have sex, then your DH is being even more crazy.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

I am going to reply before reading what the other posters said.  

You should go.  Your issues are just that, your issues.  This is about your friend getting married and your problems are irrelevent.  People have to see x's all of time at weddings, etc.  

I realize the infidelity adds to the equation, but again, this is day is for your friend.  

Whether your DH goes with your is a different issue.  

The issue at isn't about whether you should go.  The only issue I see is whether your DH should go with you.  

I feel for situation, but the the answer is pretty clear to me.  I don't mean to sound cold or harsh, I just know that if I was your friend, I would hope that you could all be adults and remember what the day is really all about.

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

If your dh still feels threatened by your ex/something that happened 4 years ago--to the point that he refuses to attend a wedding where the ex is present-- then you two haven't really worked through it so well. Remind your dh that if he avoids the wedding then the ex "wins". Or he can attend and it will be apparent to your ex that dh "won" because he has you, and he has peace of mind from knowing that your marriage is strong and secure. If he cannot get to that point alone then maybe you should encourage him to get professional help.

Your friend will probably be hurt if you do not attend her wedding, especially for something that sounds fairly petty to a third party. And your absence will be noticed by other family and friends bringing up that history that you don't want discussed. 

You both seem to be giving that ex a lot of power that he doesn't deserve.