Can I really take any more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Can I really take any more?
13
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 1:46pm

I'm married to a 62 year old.  I am his caregiver.  I'm 52. We've been married 18 years now.  He has a whole host of health issues.  A lot of these issues are diabetes related, because he refuses to watch his blood sugars.  His sugars are very high.  He will sit and eat candies and cakes and think he can take insulin and it makes it all ok.  We are both going to a doctor that specializes in weight loss.  He has lost some weight with the medicine, but he hasn't changed anything else.  

I took my husband to his doctor's appt. yesterday.  I told the doctor (previously) that Tom is acting weird.  I mean spaced out, not really with it.  Confusion.  Memory loss.  Doing weird things.  So the doctor is ordering a full blood panel on him and an MRI of his head.  Also Tom's vision has been blurry.  The doc says he could be having mini strokes due to vascular disease due to diabetes and high cholesterol issues.  They will know more with the MRI.  We are waiting for a pre-auth for the MRI so he can get it done.  They are also going to test him for dementia and Alzheimers.

Here's my issue.  I left everything to come out here and be with Tom 18 years ago.  We had a couple decent years and then everything turned to shit.  He had a problem with falling asleep and sure enough he fell asleep while driving and had a major accident.  He was in the hospital for a long time.  The other guy was fine.  Tom has been impotent for about 15 years.  So I haven't had sex in like 15 years.  (again due to diabetes complications from his refusal to watch his sugars).  Tom wasn't what he painted himself to be.  He ended up being a mommy and daddy's boy and can't crap without his parents or someone wiping his ass.  

You cannot and will not believe what he's put me through in 18 years.  You ask why do I stay?  Because I have health issues of my own.  I'm on disability and not working.  I'm trying to get healthier but I'm a mess from all the stress.  I have all of the responsibilities of the house.  It all falls on me and always has.  

Here's my dilemma.  I've met someone.  I know what you're thinking.  This was totally unexpected.  He's the real deal.  We're both at a major crossroads in our lives and we both need to make some major decisions.  These decisions will affect us (and my husband) and have repercussions.  It is not something to be taken lightly.  

Am I so wrong to want a life with another man and to have another chance at happiness?  Or do I sit here and be miserable and watch my husband eat sweets and die in front of me of diabetic complications?

What would you do?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 1:58pm
Hello. What I would do is get a divorce.It sounds like you dont have any kids together and IF you did...they're all grown.You said it yourself...he's put you through a lot in the 18yrs.It seems like only you have been the one carrying this marriage.It should be 2 people carrying it together and that doesn't sound like it is to me.You need to divorce this person..EVEN if things don't work out with this new guy in your life. You deserve a chance at happiness...you're not going to get it while being attached to someone who doesn't want to take care of himself. You stated you too have health issues..well as you know..stress makes it even worse! You're taking care of yourself AND him too...that's not fair.YOU need to take care of YOU now.That means getting out of this horrible marriage that YOU dedicated 18yrs to.It's time to move on.You're only 52..that's really young.Please do this for YOU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 2:01pm

Hello./.Sorry about the many posts.computer issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 2:01pm

Hello. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 2:06pm

Didn't you take a vow for better or worse? You weren't a young kid either so you knew what you were doing when you did it. I think it's low down to leave a person because he/she is sick. What if you were the sick one and he went out looking for someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 3:23pm

Take out a huge life insurance policy on him and let him binge on cakes and candies.

Yes, the marriage vows includes "for beter and for worse", but for a diabetic to ignore doctor's advice and indulge in treats like a child is completely irresponsible, not alike a drug user or an alcoholic.  There is a limit to for better and for worse, and self-inflicted issues should not be included.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 3:33pm

How did 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 3:34pm

How did 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 4:23pm
I don't really think that's fair. Of course, we all marry for better or for worse. However, when worse is brought on by your spouse despite his own health issues, he kind of leaves you with not a ton of options. His choices should not require her to waste her life watching him slowly kill himself. There is a difference between someone having an incurable disease and their spouse leaving them and someone making choices to hurt themselves intentionally and their spouse leaving them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 4:56pm

Well I think you should have left long ago when the marriage started to go downhill, but you must have stayed for financial reasons.  So now that you stuck it out for so long, IF your Dh has any money, at least you'd be entitled to some of the assets and maybe alimony.  I do think you should consult a divorce lawyer--before you start taking up with the other man, so he won't be able to use adultery against you.  But I wonder what you would do about supporting yourself if you hadn't gotten married?  You weren't that young when you got married, so did you work?  Did the disability occur after the marriage? Would you live with family members?  Do you get Social Security disability?  Would you be eligible

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 4:56pm

Well I think you should have left long ago when the marriage started to go downhill, but you must have stayed for financial reasons.  So now that you stuck it out for so long, IF your Dh has any money, at least you'd be entitled to some of the assets and maybe alimony.  I do think you should consult a divorce lawyer--before you start taking up with the other man, so he won't be able to use adultery against you.  But I wonder what you would do about supporting yourself if you hadn't gotten married?  You weren't that young when you got married, so did you work?  Did the disability occur after the marriage? Would you live with family members?  Do you get Social Security disability?  Would you be eligible

Pages