Destructive Narcisstic Mother/Grandmorther

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Destructive Narcisstic Mother/Grandmorther
15
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 10:36pm

That is my mother.   And for my entire adulthood I was her chosen scapegoate and in a million ways rejected and betrayed by her.  And her story has always been her great saddness that I was rejecting her.    

Until just recently when  she wrote her memoir ( a narcisstic fantasy based on true events) that was distributed to all members of her family I did not realize the extent of her narcisim, her disconnect from reality, the epth of her contempt for me  or just how destructive it has been on the entire family.   Needless to say this has had a polarizing and confusing affect on the family including my  relationship with my own children who ar all grown now with children of their own.  

    Everyone got a copy of that book but me.   One of my daughter's loaned me a copy so I could read it with the warning it is full of mean things about people.   Well a lot of the mean things were about me.  And one of the things she wrote in the book  was how I kept her grandchildren from her.  OUTRIGHT lie.  It was her all the years that I was a single mother that she wanted nothing to do with me or my children.  UNTIL they left home.  Then she became the loving victim grandmother.  Of all the lies this one makes my blood boil that she would write that in a book those children would see.

I have never really said much or explained much to my children  or even stood up for myself because it has been so sublte and insidious.  But now that her meaness and lies are out there for all to see  I am feeling it is finally time for me say something to at least that daughter and then each one in the right time. 

Any thoughts those of you who understand the dynamics of this malignant narcissism or who have experienced anything like this.  Do I continue to keep my mouth shut or do I let my kids know  the truth that I did not keep them from their grandmother, in fact after my divorce, when I wanted to move to a town I loved choose instead to move closer to "family" so they could have aunts cousins, and grandparents nearby.  They do not know that because they were little children.  They do not know how often I begged my mother to be a part of our lives and her granchildrens lives to be rejected time and time again. 

In her book she also states how  "she  isolates herself from the family"   Is that really what they tell themselves and have been implying to everyone for years?    After years and years of being rejected, betrayed and being the only one reaching out, I eventually just stopped the reaching out and since it was always one way anyway there is no conatact any longer.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 10:47pm
http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/07/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers_14.html Absolutely excellent article about these dynamics and the polarizing effects on generations. But how do you explain this to your kids or to anybody really. It is so insidious and subtle. People of the Lie!!! .
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 10:48pm
http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/07/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers_14.html Absolutely excellent article about these dynamics and the polarizing effects on generations. But how do you explain this to your kids or to anybody really. It is so insidious and subtle. People of the Lie!!! .
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 10:48pm
http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/07/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers_14.html Absolutely excellent article about these dynamics and the polarizing effects on generations. But how do you explain this to your kids or to anybody really. It is so insidious and subtle. People of the Lie!!! .
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 11:03pm
http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/07/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers_14.html Absolutely excellent article about these dynamics and the polarizing effects on generations. But how do you explain this to your kids or to anybody really. It is so insidious and subtle. People of the Lie!!! .
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 1:19pm

I think it's very telling that you did not receive a copy of this book, but this was yet another way that your mother wants to bring misery into your life.  People who know and love you will know that what was written was not the truth (especially those who know your mother), and the further you can distance yourself from her and her vitriol the better.  It's almost too bad that you were given the book to read because now it has brought up the past which is exactly that, past.  You can't control your mother, but you can control your response to this.  You should be open with your children, and let them know that you are happy to answer any questions that may have been raised by this one-sided perspective.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 2:30pm

I am very glad I read that book.  It shed light on how she became the way she did.  It confirmed things that I insctinctively knew but refused to believe, Including the depth of her contempt for me that was always made out to be something I was just imagining. Everyone loves you , how could you think otherwise.

 My daughter loaned it to me with the warning that there were mean things in it.  That is good that she recognized that, that it really is open for others to see.  With a narcisstic they have to have those who can do no wrong and those wo can do no right.  Many people in the family have believed her lies.  My kids I think are just confused but the feeling I get from them is they are always telling me how the family asks about me ( giving the impression it is they who care and it is me who has separated)   They are always encouraging me to go visit them as it is me who has rejected my family intead of the other way around. ???????????

Your answer to me sounds ike one from someone who is responding to a mostly normal family with one person who is a liar that everyone else can see.  That does not happen in the case of a malignant narsicctic matriarch.  It is a twisted web or crazy making lies. Polarizing family members is key. The people who love me, my children do not  know the truth. They too have been sucked into the lies.  Most of them believe the lie that it is me who is closed, stubborn and unloving to my mother.  They contiually are trying to get me to go visit, to forgive to be the one to make the first move.  They do not know that I made the first and only moves for over 40 years to be continually rejected.  How to respond.  With silence or speaking up to let them know It was not me who rejected them.  And to set the record straight, it wa not me who kept their grandparents away from them when they were little.  It was the grandparents who refused to have anything to do with me and them as long as the chldren lived with me.  After they moved, they suddenly had the loving grandparents.  What a message is that.  In the book she comes right out and says I kept them from her.    

The book is not in the past... it is very much in the present when she passed it out with all the lies and twisted fantasy.  I have been 15 years distanced from my family of origin but their influence has been dectructive to my own children.

Be open with my children??? That is exactly why i am here to get some help in how to do that in light of this book coming out.  I see it is as an opportunity to bring up the topic.  My chldren do  not have any questions, only one, plus a daughter in law has said  anything about this except, "There is mean stuff in there, She probably did not mean it so mom, stay open when you read it."   They do not know the truth.   They believe it is me who has the problem. So my question is do I tell my one daughter is seems a bit open.  Do I tell her I read the book, there are some things I want you to know, would you like to hear that?   Or do I just send her what I have written to set the record staright at least about that. 

How to respond is the question.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 2:59pm

I mean what if anything to say to the two kids who have at least said something about it.  That is the question.  Do I bring it up or continue to wait like I have for their entire lives for them to come right out and ask.  What would theyeven ask about.  They do not know the other side of the story.  They have always believed Gramma"s message "Your mother has a problem."  I have never discussed my relationship with my mother with them.  Do I use this book to finally bring take the initiative to be open at least to the two kids I think may have a bit of openess about it.?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 9:05pm

I think is a situation where maybe a professional therapist is needed.  I don't think I would explain everything, but just tell your kids that there were a lot of things said about you that are not true.  Maybe if they ask, then you can say that you never kept them from grandmother when they were little as she said.  I am just thinking about the situation like a divorce.  The 2 parents can have problems with each other, but they always say not to say negative things about the other parent even if they are true because it's not good for the kids.  You say that the kids have a good relationship with their GM and other relatives so if you bring up all the details they will be caught in the middle and not know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 1:07pm

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.  

Wow, they are already caught in the middle having believed the lies. Some are completely on the other side.  Some have been able to stay nuetral.   And NOT SAYING ANYTHING is exactly what I have done up until now.  Because I did not want to be the one to say anything negative, to the point of never, ever defending myself or drag them into the middle of my relatinship with other people.   My kids have only heard one side of the story all their lives.  It has been very destructive and polarizing to our family.   There are some family secrets that should not be kept, the truth shall make you free.  So just now realizing how destructive this has all been over the  I am wondering if now is the right time to stand up for the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 3:16pm

Thanks everyone, here is what I have come up with to say to my daughter at this time.  A small opening to the door of truth that has stayed shut for way too long and mired in a destructive web of lies.

Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

"Just want to let you know I read Gramma's book. Thanks for loaning it to me.  It gave me a lot of insight.

There are some things in it that do warrant clarification, even rebuttal.  Things that I know have had an affect on you kids’ lives and will affect your own children.    For one  it is completely false that I kept you kids from your Grandparents, it was just the opposite actually.  I do not know if you want to hear my thoughts. If you do, let me know.  I’ve written some of them down.   If you have any thoughts, feelings or questions about this I am here for you and will be glad to hear them. 

Pages