This is different--problem with my DD's MIL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2014
This is different--problem with my DD's MIL!
2
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 10:21pm

I'd always hoped that when my daughter found someone, that her husband's mother and I would get along, participate in family events together, even have lunch once in a while. I didn't think it was wise to become friends, but I hoped we'd be friendly. But tmy DD's MIL is extremely lonely and she latched on to me right away. I think she was hoping to be best friends.

When our children were engaged, I did enjoy spending time with her. She's kind, sweet, pleasant, generous. But now it seems she was on her "best behavior" and this year, I'm seeing other things. She became a little "stalky", texting me all the time and even re-texting if I don't answer within a certain amount of time, giving me unnecessarily expensive gifts, and wanting to go out to lunch every week. But there are other differences between us. She has a very casual attitude about not telling the truth--she's already lied about something my daughter did--and that really, really bothers me. She's not malicious at all, but I can foresee her casual lies causing problems in the future. She's quite child-like and the last time we had lunch, she was envious of almost everything going on in my life.

I've pulled back and, thankfully, she has too recently.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD confided in me about a couple of things going on in her marriage--her new husband's style of arguing, and she had found out that on top of his student loans and hefty car loan, he owed a substantial amount of back taxes on his business. Well, the MIL doesn't know about these things, and she texted me today about how we are the most blessed parents in the world. I admit we're blessed--they're great kids and I'm hopeful they'll work things out--but they're not perfect and they do have problems like all married couples. It's difficult for me to completely agree with the MIL when I know things her son is doing that I'm not thrilled about. This is the perfect example of why I thought it could present problems for the two of us to be best friends.

I'm afraid that, eventually, I'm going to have to explain to her why I've pulled away, (she already e-mailed/called/texted me one day recently because she had a "bad vibe").

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I do not think it's wise to tell her why you are pulling away--just use the excuse that you are busy, or whatever.  What good could come of this?  And what would you say?  that you don't like her as much?  that you are upset at your SIL?  I can only see that causing problems.  If she says something like "aren't DD & SIL such a great couple?" just nod & agree--you don't have to explain that every couple has problems.  Oh and all in-laws are different--my parents & my inlaws never did anything together and as far as I know didn't even talk on the phone.--not only were they very different, but they lived an hour away and my FIL didn't like going anywhere--he even asked if he really had to go to the wedding since it was where my parents lived!  But they were nice when they saw each other at the grandchildren's birthday parties and other family events.  But my 2 sets of grandparents actually did become best friends--my father's parents even rented an apt. from my mother's parents and they lived in back to back houses the whole time I was growing up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2014

Oh, I would never say any of those things to her. I've been making excuses, and I'll continue to do so for as long as I can get away with it. But if she presses me, I'd just explain that while my husband and I are so glad that we get along with them, I never thought it was wise to become close friends because of the problems it could present.