Does my Mother hate me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2013
Does my Mother hate me?
5
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 1:35pm

Hi guys, I decided to vent on here because I literally have nowhere else to turn. My Mother and I have always had an up and down kind of relationship, I was always a Daddy's Girl until he met another woman and left 10 years ago. (I'm 31 btw). She and I got closer initially, but over these past few years we have had some absolutely horrific rows! I lived in my own apartment until I lost my job and my Mum agreed that I could live back with her. We got on ok but nothing brilliant. But things started to improve as I found work, I paid half her mortgage and bills, bought my own food, did the cooking, cleaning, put fuel in the car and kept the house in good order. We even went on a few holidays together. In April of last year I entered a relationship, with a man who made me feel like I was living on top of the world, and she hated him. I deliberatly didn't discuss much about my relationship with her as it deepend as I knew she'd be critical (that's her nature). Long story short, the relationship tailed off at the back end of last year (typical man, he "needed space"), so we cooled off, and started again in January. Things just aren't destined to work out between he and I for one reason and another, so we decided to end things today. I put a brave face on it in front of him but I can't deny that I am utterly heartbroken.  

My Mum got in from work tonight and found me sobbing my heart out on the sofa. I would have thought that anybodies natural instinct would be to sit down and comfort a person who was crying, hell, I'd comfort a stranger if they were in such an emotional state! What does she do? She picks up the junk mail that came for her today, sits at the end of the sofa that I'm on, and casually starts leafing through it, then starts complaining that the television isn't working!! I was aghast that she could be SO cold towards me, so I got up and left the room. I know this might not sound like a big deal considering all the real things that go on in the world, but this act was just the latest in a long line of actions by my mother, who constantly makes me feel useless, worthless, rejected, and completely unloved/unloveable. Whenever I do well in my life she tries to shoot me down, if I suggest anything, ie-signing up to the gym, or a course she'll point out all the neagtives to the idea, and she absolutely revels in it when I'm upset. What can I do?? I can't afford to move out of her house just yet, and she seems to love lording it over me. I'm not a cold-hearted person at all, and cannot fathom why a mother would treat a daughter in such a way?! Help, I feel totally lost.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 10:10pm

I feel your pain. I do not think that she hates you and maybe she is not sure how to present an uncertain situation to you. I am sorry that you have to deal with that. Maybe she never had someone to comfort her in that kind of state or would rather leave it be than to deal with the situation. (I do not know your mother's stand point). My mother is somewhat cold hearted and looked at me funny when I was in a relationship a few years back because she did not like my partner. She never comforted me when I was in pain (even as a child), she was one of those parents who would pacify it by saying "Just get over it." That wasn't enough to me. Being close to 30 years old and now having the time to finally focus on me. I was fed up with my mother treating me like a child. I started therapy because it was becoming too much for me. I hope that you find the peace that you are searching for. If you cannot talk to your mother then try someone who you trust their opinion and see how that approach goes. I am still dealing with some of my issues but I hope again this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 12:49am

My take on the situation is different than the other posters; there is a saying if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything. Your mom could have said I told you so,or than guy isn't worth one drop of your tears but she didn't. She said nothing and if she had you probably would have been even more hurt. Because your mother didn't acknowledge your tears or try to comfort you does not mean she hates you. If she hated you she wouldn't have let you move in when you hit a rough patch. My mother never was one for comforting,frankly tears made her uncomfortable. Everytime she didn't like a guy I or my sisters were dating it was for a reason and she was right every time, she had a sixth sense about those things. At times I doubted if my mom loved me because she was so unaffectionate and  seemed cold. But if I ever needed anything she was there and when you needed a place to stay your mom gave you one. Don't  make your break up and break down about your mom, yes we all would  like to be comforted when we are crying and upset but you have to accept that is not who your mother is and not be angry with her. After all she didn't cause your tears and she is not under any responsibility to wipe a grown womans tears away because she broke up with the boyfriend that she never liked anyway. Your mom did the right thing by not saying anything. Did you want her to lie and say she was sorry  you had broken up when she was not? She was glad you two had broken up and was not going to pretend other wise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 02-26-2014 - 1:56am

No, you're not being overly sensitive at all.  I find your description of her behavior disturbing and oddly disconnected. 

If you're paying for some of the bills, can you not find a similar relationship with a roommate?  Maybe your Dad and his new partner?  Not sibling because of the dynamic you mention with them, you and your mother.  I think that the disrespect might be transferred and you might be subjected to similar treatment.

The situations sounds unhealthy for you and I do think you should consider making other living arrangements.  If she is constantly putting you down or revelling in your misery, it is a soul sucking experience and you need to get out.  Heck, it sounds very dysfunctional and it can't be helpful to you while you are dealing with a heartbreak.

I really do think that you need to start scraping whatever change you can and put it aside to move ASAP.  Your mental health requires it.  Once you are out, I would highly recommend some therapy to confront, in a safe environment, your relationship with your mother and work through it.  It has to have caused a lot of issues for you growing up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2013
Thu, 02-20-2014 - 3:27am

Thank you for your reply, I was despearate for confirmation that it wasn't just me being super sensitive. She treats my brother and sister-in-law like gold, and I'm slowly but surely realising that at 62 years old, she won't be changing the way she acts towards me any time soon. Your advice is bang-on, I will be telling her very little and drawing back, if that means we end up living in a silent house, then so be it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 3:37pm

If this is how your mother generally acts it means that there is something wrong with her--there is nothing wrong with you.  I think all you can do until you can afford to move out is basically tolerate her as well as you can and not tell her anything that you don't have to tell her--she can't cut your ideas down so much if she doesn't know what they are.