do I handle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005 do I handle?
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 11:10am

Need to give you some background.

Have a dear friend. He was in a miserable marriage when I met him through my husband which I am HAPPILY married to for over a decade. When I met him he was in counseling but his wife would not go because she did not feel the relationship troubles were her fault. He is no doubt imperfect and needs some polishing...but overall an altruistic individual with a GREAT heart who'd be a wonderful catch for the right woman...problem...he keep repeatedly meeting the wrong women....even his wife convinced him to invest money in a ponsi scheme (lost all of it...despite OUR warnings) and conviinced him to buy a bigger, better home (again, despite our warnings) which she later kicked him out of just months after purchase (exactly as WE told him it would go). So, now he is divorced twice...first time doesn't count he was like 20 or something. shortly after he met a woman from overseas who insisted she was destined to marry him after two or three weeks of online communication. My husband told me not to judge and despite my womanly instincts this person found himself being stalked. He even brought this woman to meet us and she came to this side without any money expecting HIM to pay for everything and to also take charge of her kids.  Despite both our warnings after our meeting he continued to communicate with her remaining hopeful because she was spiritual.. He is very involved in his faith but quite normal otherwise and lots of fun. We then set him up with two or three woman in our home town...but they were not ready for committment

Anyway, he then met an immigrant woman who still did not have her papers. FINE...but one of our other married friend said when he met her she was coming on to him (til she found out he was attached) fact he told us she was flirting with almost anything single that moved...and of course, as "luck" would have it found our friend. She sucked him right in with her overt yet pretentious spirituality. We met her  and immediately did not like her one bit. She claimed to be EXTREMELY WELL established in her home land....and English palyer, computer guru, and the list goes on. Yet, she too did not have any of her own money to speak of and expected our friend to pick up her tab, drive her to work, buy her a television, bicycle for getting around, etc. Very very clingy. She also started putting demands on him almost immediately afterwards...which he did not like and called for a "breakup" though told her they could remain friends (especially since his spiritual convictions do not allow for physical intimacy other than kissing outside of wedlock). So, that's where that has been for several years...about 4 now.

He then moved on to a single mom who had divorced 15 years prior and was dealing with an unruly teen. She tried dating our friend but told him she was not ready for a new relationship though, knowing how he felt about her encouraged her daughter to call him dad and she'd invite him over for dinner several times a week proclaiming friendhsip, whcih he admitted was stressing him out. Still, he felt he should hang on perhaps she should change her mind. He'd even come to visit us for a month or so and she as well as the woman above (just friends remember) would continually call for advice or something and the daughter now 18 or 19 would text him "dad' playing on his desires for a family.

We have a few good, ready, willing and able women to introduce him to but when he leaves our home town to go back home he falls into the same pit fall. My husband told him he must put an END to both disturbing relationships. He finally got rid of the woman from overseas though it took him almost 3.5 years to stop answering her calls and texts even though he made it very clear he just wanted to be friends and that he was NOT at all interested romantically. He didn't want to let her down ad even took her to a wedding when she showed up at his home unexpectedly because he felt sorry for her.

Well, just about a month ago he was paying us a visit again when the woman who finally immigrated and got her legal papers in order contacted me, not him, me and I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 3 years, telling me I had no right to invite him because I was taking him away from work and from their relationship...and she was quite nasty about it even implying he would end their "relationship" if he found out. My husband told me not to react to her but to tell him. He was seemingly livid and adamant about ending any relationship he had with her.

Upon his return she and he argured as per my husband who inquires but he was at odds about totally cutting ties. But he was staunch about NOT wanting a relationship with her...yet recently she posted about how she couldn't live without him and then photos of her and him out for his birthday. There was no intimacy but they "were" together and she did give him a present. I can't believe he would disrespect himself and us by continuing to communicate with this "nutjob". If she had issue with his visit she should have confronted him not ME or my husband,...we invited, HE accepted...period.

I want to have my husband who knows this man for 30 years let him know how disappointed we are and to inform him that if he continues to make poor choices that exemplify disrespect for us, we can no longer be friends. We will always love him but our friendship WILL have to be terminated. It's okay if he has no dignity or respect for himself but to snub us after she attact us and he promised to deal with her insanity by ending it with her, and then going out again, even as friends is unacceptable. My mother feels I have no right to tell him what to do, which I don't, just' don't want to be part of it. She says we should keep our mouths shut and simply cut off ties aqnd if and when he asks give him the explanation. I think we need to confront up front and let a supposedly good friend know where we stand. I want to do the right thing. Can you offer any insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2012
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 11:24am

It's his life and his relationships. Why would you stop being friends with someone because he is looking for love in all the wrong places? Are you really a friend or are you jealous of his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 11:35am

I agree that his relationships aren't your business and I don't really see how he is disrespecting you by continuing to have a friendship with a woman you don't like.  yes, she called you, but it was once--it's not like she continually is harrassing you, so I think the best thing to do is just to ask him not to keep you informed about his love life.  It seems like he doesn't live in your town so you don't have to interact with the various GFs or friends who are women--so when he comes to visit just do whatever it is that you do with him, have a good time, and make the love life something that you don't discuss and just enjoy his company.  I think you are way too invested in his love life anyway and it just sounds like you are annoyed that you can't fix him up with a "suitable" woman that you know.  I have friends who make choices with BFs that I worry will get them hurt and sometimes it does, but it's their life and I wouldn't end a friendship over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 11:44am

Thank you...but he is constantly complaining about how she is NOT for him....and how HE doesn't want more than friendship...but...

He is ALWAYS alone....and telling my husband he feels like a third wheel. Yet, he feels pigeon holed into continuing these relationships because as he puts it, feels sorry for these women.

He has plenty of opportunities to meet someone else if he would simply disassociate with these crazy ladies....and yes, she is constantly contacting us...much like his ex wives  are still calling him here when he visits us, though they have no children together to ask him to buy them something like perfume, etc. He is being used....and as an independent woman it bothers me that he is being taken advantage of and that he chooses to ignore sound advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 1:17pm

Once you stop trying to control and be involved in your friend's relationships, the frustration will stop.  It's not up to you to find the right woman for him, for whatever reason he chooses who he chooses, for good or bad.  As for the woman who is contacting you, block her number or email address so she can't.  His life is his own to lead, to make mistakes, etc..  It may be best to communicate less with him, and see him less often if the way he lives his life causes you so much grief.  Put the focus back on your own life. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 3:22pm

Good point...thank you...these were my sentiments...less contact...less frustration. If he asks do you think we should tell him what has upset us or just let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 3:35pm

Well, you could say that you care about him as a friend, and it's hard to hear that he's unhappy but continues to do the same things to make himself so.  You can ask that he not complain to you because there is nothing you can do, he has to be willing to be alone and to work on himself to meet the right type of person.  Feeling sorry for someone does not make for a good relationship.  He may be a kind man, but that does not mean he should be a doormat for every woman looking for someone to take care of them. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 7:48pm

I don't agree that he is "disrespecting you" when he makes poor choices in his personal life. To cut contact with an old friend because you don't like some of his choices (which don't seem to involve your time with him, except when the woman contacted you) is sort of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, as the expression goes. He has a long history of making poor choices in female companions, why take exception to it now?

I think that you should step away from it, decide that its not your business or concern. Your husband gets to take the lead in how to handle it. They have been friends since long before you came into the picture. If your dh wants to lessen or cut contact with his old friend then dh decides what to say and when. If dh doesn't want to get involved then he doesn't say anything. For your part, when you do see this friend don't ask him about these women or the parts of his life that drive you crazy. If he tries to bring it up, you could tell him that you think he is being taken advantage of and that upsets you so you don't want to talk about it--and then don't. He will know how you feel but you're not trying to manipulate him like the other women. If he needs to talk about his problems then he can talk to your dh, if he is willing to listen. Or your dh can suggest that he talk to his pastor or a counselor.

Block the woman from your phone, email, and social media. If any communications slip through, delete them without reading or listening. Put your efforts towards preventing his problems from being your problems.