I feel like Im useless

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
I feel like Im useless
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 11:40pm

My dad passed away one month ago due to Cancer. My dad was 3 yrs younger than my mom and my mom 77. I have 3 siblings. My older sister is married and lives on their own obviously, I have  younger half sister who does not live with us and she lives on her won with an aunt (her mom passed away several yrs ago)  me and my younger brother live in the same house with our mom. My parents are not grandparents as any of us have kids. My mom still works a the local municipality. Of course my mom and us still feel the absence of our dad as this event it is still very recent. Since my mom is 77 of course my brother and I have to take care of her more now and watch out for her. The thing is that my older sister is always reminding me and tell me; Take care of mom, be there for her for anything she needs, she needs our support.

I mean I know that from now on she needs all the help she can get and support and love, is not Im neglecting her but my sister telling me very often, remember to be with mom, be there fr her, take care of her, I feel like she assume Im not doing a good job so she keeps reminding me that every often Is like she does not trust me  or believe I Im not doing a proper job and she has to remind of it as often as she wants.  My older sister always is like attacking me that I do things in a bad way. I know my personality is strong and I have a strong character, and there are times Im always defensive she reminds of it very often.  For example my voice tone is very loud and there are times that when I speak it could be a little loud and my sister gets mad at me for not lowering my tone when I speak.  She tells me you have o llearn  how to control your tone well this is beside this point Im talking about here.

I feel that my older sister does not trust me and she believe s Im not taking good care of  mom or neglecting her so she believes she is in her right to remind me  everyday,  I know I am sleeping with mom so she is not alone in bed. My mom still drives and she sometimes like to be independent of course she is no super woman and we want  to relieve her from doing certain things so she won’t get tired

I usually goes to d my aerobics every Sunday to work out  and my sister tells me that I should not be going in order not to leave mom alone in the house as she may need something. Im nota neglecting our mom Im just attending some classes then I return home  but working out distracts me. I don’t know but Im guessing my older sister tells me that caue Im the one living with mom and not hre so I be the one in charge along with my brother.

I mean my sister does not live at the house, she has her own house to take care of, not even my half sister tells me that, in fact she does not even get involved in teling me those things, well my mom is not my half sister mom so probably is the reason why she does not say anything I assume.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 5:01am

 You sister is playing the guilt trip on you.  77 is not decrepit and you need time too.  Go and do things with your life.  If sis is so concerned she can take some time to do things too.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 10:24am

Unless your mom has dementia there is no reason she can't be left alone in the house.  My mom is 88 and she lives with her sister who is 82--both of them still drive and they don't have anyone else taking care of them.  My mom is slowed down now and walks with a cane but she is still mentally very alert.  I think you need to tell your sister to back off and that she is not doing anything to help so she has no right to tell you what to do.  If she thinks you are doing a bad job, then why does she have your mom go & live with her?  Oh, because it's easier to tell someone else what to do than do it yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 3:59pm
I think your sister is WAY out of. Line to tell you what to do for your mother when you are with here dry day. My brother and I had an awesome agreement about my other...if one of us was handling something,and the other thought it should be done differently, then that person had to be willing to take over and do it....it kept us. From petty criticism, but also allowed us to make changes about things we felt strongly about. I will also. Say this...you will most likely outlive your mother, and if you give up your whole life to take care of her, the transition later will be very hard because your support network will be small. And your sister doesn't sound like she will be much help. If she thinks your mother can't be left alone, she needs to either spend time relieving you or pay for a companion...you need time away from your mom to recharge.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 3:39pm

I mean what  I believe what It may bother more my older sister is that me being at home and live with my mom and brother, I need to be watch out more for her as my dad is no longer with us anymore. As she does not live in the house and are not in the house 24/7 cause she is married and she has her own house and husband to take care of as well, she is not aware if im doing or perhaps remember to do the things correctly with my mom. Of course my mom is not a young lady anymore she is in an age where eveyrhting health related is possible and she needs to be taken care of and loved and cherish and be there for her  for anything. So could be why is she acting the way she does. So I dont know if she says to me those thing  to remind me that mom needs our love now that dad is no longer with us and me bieng in the house im now like the woman of the house and we have to try alievenate a bit more her burden in the house things or duties as Im younger so mom can rest more so I believe is why (im not excusing her though) my sister likes to remind me each time possible: X remember to do this for mom, be on the look out, etc.