I have been carded... or have I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
I have been carded... or have I?
11
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 6:41pm

I am involved with a GSA (gay/straight/alliance) through a school I just graduated. I started hanging around when I was a student two school years ago. I am one of the few heterosexuals there. I am in my 30s so that makes me the oldest one there. When I first got involved I admitted I am straight and everyone was really happy or just nuteral. I don't think anyone had an issue with it. I am a bit of a nerd but at first everyone liked me on a personal level but I wasn't anyone's friend. Two members used to hug the stuffing out of me whenever we were at an event out in the community. They never confided in me or anything. I was never invited to do things socially with them. I was just some random person but whatever. The girl was dating some other girl. I will call the first girl I spoke about "E". Her best friend (a gay male) "N" and the girl's ex gf "L". L and I always got a long. We are not close by any stretch of the imagination. We dont' hate each other. She I don't think has any opinion of me either way. She I think is nice to me because she is a nice person but I think its awkward for her. We never hugged much less gave each other a high five.

So two summers ago things got rough. I made the two mad (but it was minor) and they unfriened by off facebook. I later asked "E" why she did that after the first meeting of the school year when we were alone after a meeting. She said I posted to her timeline too much but other than that I really didn't do anything to her that made her mad. She then broke down and started crying. I never saw her ever cry. I had no clue if I should have hugged her or what. I didn't know if she would have tried to smack my head off it I would try so I just stood there and watched her. I think I should have hugged her for a few moments. No one was around so its not like anyone would have seen us. If she needed a good cry I would have let her cry for a bit. I obviously would try to keep people from seeing her cry. It's embrassing when you cry and someone sees you.

We had an event at her place that night. Before all this mess happened E, L, and N all lived together. I got to the desinated spot and E greeted me at the door, put her arm around me and hurriedly hugged me. It was like she did it because it was expected for her to do that. I can't remember where N was at that point. E told me that the girl standing next to her was a room mate and introduced us. I figured it out but it was the elephant in the room. The two women broke up (I think they are still in love and friendly to each other though). I finally found N at some point.

N was mad because he posted a joke I found to be rude and pointed it out. When we ran into each other at the first meeting I was trying to apoligzie and he said not to worry about it. We are not like it was where he would give me bear hugs when we would meet up. I am wondering if he is avoiding me lately. I know he has a boyfriend so it may not even have to do with me.

N and E are very nice. I don't think its in their nature to tell anyone off. I think they are very passive agressive in nature and very secretive towards me (I am not their friend so they don't have to tell me anything). I tried twice to get E to hang out with me. I asked her in two emails and she never responded to that part of the email. I got the hint. She sees me as a member. At first she thought I was really cool but now ..... what is going on? I wonder if they might be annoyed at me finally and/or the break up makes it awkward between us as they know I know and I don't think they want me to know. E and I spoke about it ONCE and that was by accident. We all were invited to a party and I asked E if she would drive me there. She said she lost the car in the break up. I don't think L would be nasty and steal a car. I think it was orignally L's to begin with or they bought it together.

So E is in an improv group. I sometimes go to the shows. One time she was happy to see me, walked over and gave me a hug and told me thanks for coming. L was there. L was acting like how anyone would act if they are in love with someone. L wanted to know how I enjoyed the show with a big grin on her face. She wanted me to like E's work. She wanted me to like E on a personal level because she loved E and share the excitement. I know L was invited by E to go to this comings show. I don't know if it was on accidnent (it was on fb where the invites came from). I know E invited me and I think she did it on purpose.

This show is going to be on E's birthday. I am debating giving her a birthday card. I have greeting cards professionally made from a photo I shot. Would this become a problem? Would E think I am wanting more out of our relationship? She made it clear we are not friends. Would L be annoyed knowing that E don't want to be my friend? How would N feel? If I give E a card I will try to track him down come his birthday so its not like I am playing favorites.

Lately when E and I are around each other its a roll of the dice on how she will act. Sometimes she acts like she don't care if I am around or not, sometimes she is annoyed (not sure if its due to me there or if something is on her mind), other times she seems thrilled but not how it was where I couldn't get a greeting out of my mouth before she is already trying to hug me. We still hug but its not this overflowing burst of energy. I don't think she hates me or anything but I don't think she likes me like how she did.

Some people tell me to just hug her, talk to her a few moments, wish her well and call it good. Some people say its harmless if I want to give her a card.

If L is around I don't want to interfer with them (but I will at least wish her happy birthday before I leave). I don't want to cause any issues between them. For one reason I want them to get back together. Also I am not their friend. I am just a random person that E and N are in a group with. L just knows me through E.

So do I give her a card and a hug or just a hug?

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 7:34pm

Don't give her either. You said that the birthday girl has made it clear that you're not friends, and cards and hugs are for friends. 

There seems to be a lot of drama with this group, and too much worrying about how everybody might misperceive actions. Unless you really like the drama, I would suggest looking for different people to spend your time with. Maybe a meetup group based on an interest of yours?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 8:45pm
We never ever were friends but something has changed. I am debating asking E after her birthday if everything is OK. I should have asked when we talked about the car. So how do I bring it up? I don't think they really have much of an issue with me really other than sometimes I come off weird. I would like to know really how it is before I make guesses.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 9:01pm

I don't see much point in asking if "everything is okay". Why would she want to have such a conversation with someone who she doesn't consider her friend? You've known these people for 2+ years, if friendship was going to develop it would have already and being with them wouldn't be so awkward. So I don't know how to suggest you bring it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 9:32pm

We never were friends at the begining and never will be. When we met they liked me around and were happy to see me. Now something has changed.

The girl does go out of her way to be nice to me. When we are at school she usually sees me first and calls out my name. If she hated me why would she get my attention? The last show I was at she greeted me when I walked into the building, before the show she said something really fast (she was busy trying to set up), I think she did again before the show, I told her goodnight before I left and gave her a hug. We always hug. The whole group hugs. All we do is hug. It's the nature of the group.

I don't really think those two really have an issue with me other than at times I might be talkative or say something weird. Ever since I met them I stayed out of their way. I tried not to talk to them unless I had to talk about something that deals with the group. If I saw them in the community be it an event I planned on being at (Like Pride) or we just happen to be at the same place the same time we are polite to each other.

I think they might have a minor issue with me but I don't think its much of one. I think it something else and I just happen to be the one they are taking it out on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 7:24am

I think I understand what is going on.  I was in a similar situation, I think. After my divorce years ago, I decided to take up golf to get out of the house.  I got in with this group of golfers and two of the women were gay.  They pretty much were like a married couple and everyone pretty much accepted them.  We all went out often and were good friends.  Well, as time went on another girl entered the picture and the situation was very similar to one of the spouses cheating and making it obvious.  I had quit golfing but would still meet/see these people whenever they called..  Somehow I got embroiled in this messy trio and didn't realize it.  Call me naive but I am straight and never gave any thought that my being with any of them meant anything out of the ordinary.  I started realizing when they're were problems, my phone was ringing.  It just got ridiculous.  I finally decided to leave that drama scene because I can't understand the dynamics and that might be what you will want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:19am

This seems like a lot of drama and thinking for people who you admit that you aren't friends with.  I'd say that when you see E, just wish her a happy birthday or send her a Facebook message (if you are still friends on FB) and leave it at that.  I'd have as an example that I have been taking dance lessons at a particular school for a few years so I know a lot of people there--I have one group of close friends and we see each other all the time, then there are more people who I like and see at dances but we don't really socialize outside of dance (but there is no drama going on either)--I probably wouldn't not give the bigger group of people birthday cards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 6:53pm

I am sure she wants me there. I don't think she hates me or anything. I like watching the shows. I will be polite, wish her well, give her a hug and maybe talk a bit. I think you guys are right in the sense I shouldn't do a whole lot when we are not friends. Maybe L will be there. If so I will say hi to her. Maybe N would be there. If his boyfriend is there or not I would at least wave at N.

I will try not to worry about them too much as we are not like how we were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:02am

Wow shutterbug3c, are you stll nitpicking this to death?  Move on already!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:56am
Just carrying on a conversation. Someone speaks and then I speak
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:57am

I love coming here when people find fault with me and make me feel bad about myself.

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