i need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2014
i need help!
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 3:49pm

im tying my self in knots right now, i never usually post anything on sites, but i just feel the need to vent and hopefully one of you may have a magical answer?

i have a family wedding tomorrow----- i dont want to go...... now before you judge....

not only is the wedding 100 miles away, meaning a 200 round trip in one day....... i have work at 6 am monday morning.

also my dog is sick, and i feel about leaving her for 15 hours in a day, rather than 9 when im at work (and no i dont have anyone who can come and check on her)

now the rest of the story

there is this big family arguement thats been going on for 3 years that im part of...but havent actually done nothing its all aound me pepole arguing about me etc

and they will all be there tomorrow and they are the sort to bring it up straight away, i dont feel its fair to the bride or the groom, and while i will try to walk away i know it wont work, unfortunalty part of it is with my dad, so i know ppl will come up to us, and it will be a huge arguement and im so stressed right now as it is, and the thought of all the driving and then all of that, and theyve already threated on facebook to bring up family shit from 30 years ago!, so much that the bride threatneed to cancel!

but of course if i dont go there will be a backlash coz i havnt gone, im just trying to figure out whats worse?? to not go and get slagged off and upset the bride by not going? or to go and there potenitally be a punch up? meaning the wedding will be ruined, just to say i wouldnt start anything i just know what my family is like

it doesnt help i havnet seen any of them except my dad for 3 years, and that last year my mum died (parents were divorced) and they all got annoyed they werent invited to the funeral.... not undertsnading that my mum actually said she didnt want them there...........

my sister from a different dad doesnt want me to go, but she understands she doesnt see how i cant??

feeling very lost.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 8:10pm

So don't go, you are a grown up, it doesn't sound like you have a relationship with these people, so why do you need to go. However, it is wrong of you not to have let the bride and groom know when they sent the invitation -- that is impolite. Please make sure you let them know you cannot attend and make sure you send a gift. Then get yourself into therapy to deal with your family and boundary issues.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 9:20pm

The important people here are the bride and groom. You said that she threatened to cancel the ceremony when relatives said they were going to make a fuss at her wedding (who even announces something like that??) But later you said that if you don't attend then she will be upset. The only "backlash" that matters is any that comes from the bride and groom, not the other relatives. Its really too bad that you're still trying to decide on the day before the wedding....because my advice would be to talk to her and ask her what she wants more, you at her wedding or for less drama at her wedding. 

You know your relatives, like if they will cause a stir over something even if you don't go. Since its probably too late to work it out with the bride I think you should go. Arrive at the ceremony just before it begins. If there are any relatives who think it is tasteless to dredge up ancient bad blood at a wedding, then sit with them. If anybody tries to start something tell them that you will not discuss that topic because the day is for the bride and groom. Repeat as necessary. Same thing at the reception. If the relatives will not drop it for the sake of the bride's big day then find the bride, explain to her that you are leaving and why, and go home. She will see that you made the effort for her.

All of the other inconveniences for you (long drive etc) are just part of deal for some important events. Even if things go well you can leave when you need to, to get home at a decent hour. When the bride planned her wedding for a Sunday she must have realized that people who work and/or drove a long distance would have to leave by a certain time.