Missing my married daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2014
Missing my married daughter
5
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 10:22pm

This isn't really venting; it would just help to know that someone else has been through the same thing.

My daughter--my only child--was married last August. Until she became engaged, we had spoken almost every day of her life. When she went away to college, I prepared myself for how difficult it would be for me based on other mothers' comments, but it really was an easy adjustment, since we spoke every day. (Thank goodness for cell phones.) So I dodged the bullet then.

But once she became engaged, I hardly heard from her. I have to say that, all in one year, she became engaged, graduated from college, conducted a professional job search, started a new job, moved to a new city, and planned her wedding. So I never pressured her to talk; I knew she was swamped with things to deal with.

And, of course I understand that her husband comes first and he is now her new best friend, which is as it should be, and I'm happy as can be that she found someone to share her life with, but I miss her.

The worst part is that, now that we only talk for a few minutes twice a week, it's almost as if we have nothing to say to each other unless there's something really pressing. We used to talk about everything together. But now I feel as if I have such a short time to talk with her that in my mind I'm editng out all the things that aren't worth talking about during our precious time, and so I end up having hardly anthying to say. Sigh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 10:53am

Unfortunately right now I don't have the money to visit her--if I take my son it's 2 plane tickets plus a hotel and things have been really tight.  I did go to see her place 2 summers ago and she took us around.  Now my son is going to college in the fall so maybe if I go alone I could stay with her even though she has roommates or at least I would only have to pay for one plane ticket.  I am glad she is coming home again around July 4--she has just been really busy this year and is at the stage where a lot of her friends and BF's friends are getting married--they are going to a wedding on 7/4 which is why they are coming home.  Her BF is also from her home state so I am thinking that maybe if they get married & have kids, they might decide that it would be better to live near grandparents.  She's a nurse so I'm sure she could get a job here after she has some experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2014
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 9:43pm

Thanks for your understanding. Yes, thank goodness I'm happily married, and I did realize after I typed my post that I guess I was more attached to my daughter than I ever thought. 

My DD was calling me on her drive home from work too; and it was really concerning me. So, even though I knew it would cost me more time with her, I pointed out to her that, if something happened to her while she was talking to me, not only would I be heartbroken, but also tormented with guilt. She waits now until she's not driving.

Are you able to visit your daughter once in a while? I visited my daughter for a long weekend back in May and, even though my SIL was around most of the time, I did have a little time alone with her in the mornings when he slept in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2014
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 9:38pm

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 11:19pm

I don't have any daughters but I have three sons. Two of them are im the young adult age group. I miss them so much and know how you feel. I don't really have any advice...just hugs and sympathy.

Malea

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www.askmalea.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 10:36pm

My DD isn't married but I do understand what you mean, although in my case it started earlier.  My DD went to college about 2 hrs away from home.  There are some kids who call every day but with her it was more once a week so that's really when the adjustment started.  In her senior year she came home for holidays but I think for spring break she went on a trip so I didn't see her that much.  Then she moved home from May-Jan and I really enjoyed having her home.  Unfortunately she got a job in another city that's either a 7 hr drive or a short plan ride.  The first year she really did come home several times, but now she has a BF who lives near her--they have been dating for a year.  This year I didn't see her from Christmas to June because she went on a couple of vacations.  Plus she came home with her BF--they are coming home again for July 4.  We just don't talk on the phone much.  I'll text her if I think of something and she tends to call me when she is driving to his house (which I don't think is the best time) but we do talk.  I think instead of editing out what you want to say, when she does call you, just try to have a normal conversation--if you have a lot to say, just ask her if she has time to stay on the phone a little longer.  I just think every stage of life is an adjustment for everyone and of course it's harder for you since you only have one child--at least I have 2.  And I also think that now would be a good time for you to concentrate on yourself and find other things to occupy your time--you don't mention if you are married so if you're not, maybe you can lean on your friends or find some new activities, take a class, etc.