Mom is recently widowed
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|Fri, 03-14-2014 - 10:20am|
I need someone to read this. My dad passed away last October due to lung cancer. He and Mom were married for 48 years and did a lot of traveling, their house was paid off in the early 1990's, Dad was retired since 1999 and Mom retired in 2005.
I'm thankful that my sister lives with Mom (she's almost 47 never been married and no children) and b/c Mom never drove, my sister is there to help her out with the groceries, helps out with Mom's bills; however, my older sister is unemployed right now; however, she's collecting Unemployment Insurance. I live in another city (3 hours away) and even though I'm not married and/or have children (divorced, I live alone - in a long term relationship), I feel guilty that I can't help contribute more money to help out with their household expenses. My ex-husband left me in a lot of debt and owes me over $6,000 and has only contributed $100. I leave him alone b/c I know it will escalate into a huge fight and he's in enough trouble with the IRS (back taxes owed from 2006 Taxation Year), Child Support Warrants (over 5 of them), I'm just glad I got away from him. I have my own set of bills to pay and I don't make a lot of money (wage freeze at my job - haven't gotten a raise since 2012). My mom keeps telling me to ask my employers for a raise; however, I've asked three times and they haven't said anything - so I decided to leave it alone. Yes, it can be frustrating; however, I'm blessed enough that I have a job at this moment where so many people are in worse predicaments than myself.
As well, my mom keeps bothering me about my body weight. I have gained 50 lbs. in the last 8 years (I used to be a size 8 - now I'm a 12). I had a strong metabolism until I reached my 40s and then I put on some weight; however, I don't look obsese or anything. I'm not a person to be obsessed w/weight and body image (that why people have eating disorders). I speak to mom maybe three times per week; however, she asks me how much food did I eat that day, what am I having for dinner, how many chicken wings did I eat, did I get on the scale, and on and on, it's frustrating and upsetting to me, there are times when I avoid calling b/c she gets on my nerves (and I've told her nicely to stop doing that). I have a few friends in my area I speak to and have joined a Women's Group last year; however, I only go to events that interest me (movies, shopping trips, brunch) and that's enough for me plus I'm in a relationship at the same time. If I can't get together w/friends or my b/f (he's on call b/c of Tax Season at his job), I don't feel lonely. I joined a Zumba class, picked up reading again and rent DVD's - so I'm content. I like getting to know myself more and what I like and don't like. I'm in my early 40s and what really got to me the other day is that my Mom told me to call "Diane" or call "Barbara" like I'm some little kid.
My Mom lost a considerable amount of weight in the past year taking care of my father. She used to travel by bus every single day to go and see him at the hospital and bring reading materials and home cooked food for him. She was so stressed out and stubborn at the same time b/c she didn't even take offers from her neighbors and her own sister who lives across the street from her to help her out - she wanted to be independent; however, when you are in your early 70s, you have to get help. Plus, Mom stresses herself out b/c of her dysfunctional family and their negativity every single day. So, a lot of it gets dumped on me in the interim.
I'm trying my best to cope w/Dad's death; however, I keep reminding myself he's in a better place and before he died, he couldn't walk anymore - the cancer spread to his spine, legs and feet. If he had lived, his chances to live were about 6 months and would not be able to enjoy the last few months of his life at their house, he'd have to stay in hospice.
How can I tell my mom to please stop bothering me about what I do w/my life and/or who I hang around with? I'm not lonely at all - it's just that I have no family in my city and to tell you the truth, I really don't get on Facebook and add my cousins to my Friends list - we have nothing in common and they live negative and miserable lives. I just try to live a simple life and not get too much into what other people do. How do I tell Mom that I'm trying to be as responsible as I can be - I had a bit of a fender-bender last month and I thought it would have cost me nearly $2K; however, I got another estimate and was charged $700 - she offered me to lend me the money; however, I went and got an approved loan from my bank for the repairs and car rental costs - that's how I try to take care of myself first.
Thanks for reading this.