Is my sister going overboard with this or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Is my sister going overboard with this or not?
8
Sun, 05-11-2014 - 10:41pm

I have a sister who is older than me, she is married and live obviously with her husband. I live with my mom and brother and my mom. Our dad passed away 3  months ago. My mom is 78 yrs old my dad was 3 yers younger than my mom. Since my dd passed away of course now we have to watch more my mom and take care of her, I mean my brother an dmy sibling. We have a half sibling but she does not live with us,, she lives on her own with her cousin as her mom passed away many years ago.

The thing is that Im aware that now we have to watch out more my mom, be there for her for anything she needed etc. My mom still works and I don’t see her she is senile now, to say it in a way, she may forget things  due to her age, but she is  still works, and drives and sometimes she likes to do things on her own and be independent, like grocery shopping, etc even If I tell her let me go with her to help her, she sometimes do not like it, she still run errands on her own and she still walks on her own too,, slowly but she still walks.

For a reason I do not understand my older sister wants me to be with our mom at all time, cause she is alone now, shey may need help and she does not want  our mom stay in the house a lone for a long time, if something happen to  her while she is alone.  I mean my sister pretend as the way I see it, that I cant go out and never leave our mom alone.I mean she is married and of course she cant be  or vfisit us that often, she has duties to attend in her own home but since my brother and myself are single ( and not dating anyone either) , we  have more time to be with mom and stay with her and not leave her alone.  My brothers do go out on the weekends to bars with his friends but I do not go out that often (just rarely), as I do not have that many friends to go out with anyway, even when my dad was alive I was more like a homey lady anyway but now that my dad is not with us, my sister wants me to b e more time at h ome with mom.

My sister always are telling me, do not leave mom unattended, go with her to run errands, help her in anyway you can. I help her in anyway I can sure but my mom is a little stubborn and she still wants to do things by herself, maybe she does not want to feel invalid or something as she still can do things without help.

For instance today, our uncle invited us and other relatives to go to his house to have coffee, my mom went to. Well when the evening approached, people were starting to leave and my my sister took my mom as she wanted to go home, but I stay at my uncles house for a while with my brother and my aunt and a cousin as we were watching some funny videos on the TV . My uncle’s home is just around the corner of my house, I can even walk to his house.

While I was at my uncles house, my sister called me and told me: Do not stay too long, so you do not leave mom alone for a long time,. Then when I finally arrived home, my sister again called and ask to talk to mom, when mom hanged up the phone I asked her what my sister wanted, and mom said, “she wanted to know why you took so long at ur uncle house  in order to arrive home”.   My mom had to lied to her so she stop questioning me why  I took so long to get home. Even my mom told me; What is happening to her, that she is keeping track of you.

She also ask mom something about our  brother.  I mean I do not know but Im guessing my sister believes Im not capable of taking care of mom so she is keeping track if Im doing things correctly with mom and not leave her unattended for a long time  cause now we do not have dad and she is alone in the house or take care really of her, like my mom was a handicapped person.

 Lately If I go out and if she calls I tell mom that do not tell her that I went out otherwise she may start questioning why mom is alone cause I went out.

 Nest week I wil go to some sport event on a Saturday from very eary in the morning and I return around nite so I wont be home the whole day. I already told mom about the event and told me ok go. But I wont tell my sister anything if she calls that day and ask about me, otherwise im sure my sister will aks me not to go cause I cant leave mom alone the whole day.  My brother will be at home that day im sure, and also there is a lady who come to the house everyday to help mom in the kitchen and to do some house chores and she also comes on Saturday until afternoon so is not that my mom will be totally alone that day. I be calling the house of course to let mom during the day know how am I in that trip and also ask about her. And like I said it is only a one day trip I be returning the same day but at night. My brother do go out at night.

My sister is married and Im sure she does her own things with her husband, like go out, take trips and never question her about anything, cause she is with her husband of course, but she does like to ask me as since I have no partner or bf or dating anyone and I live with mom now  me and my brother are responsible of our mom as we all live in the house and since she does not live she cant know what is going on in the house we are the ones who do know.

So I cant have a social life cause I have to be with mom 24/7 and my brother can go out with his friends and I cant cause im a woman? This is the assumption that I have of my older sister who is keeping track of my whereabouts and things I do like to check if im doing well my job with mom. or ff mom is well taken care of. 

We are all aware that now mom needs us more and we have to help her more in things, but I don’t know if my sister pretends b y doing that means we have to cut some part of our social life cause we need to be with her and check that nothing will happen when she is alone at home, in some part my  mom Is not senile, and she still do things on her own, like take a shower, drive, works, even cooks at time, run errands. Although we have told mom that do not drive at nite if possible as it may be more dangerous but she is aware of that.

Next week on Friday after work I was invited to have some drinks to celebrate an acquaintance bday´s  and I intend to go, I bet my sister will call my mom to ask how is she in the day and by default she will ask about  me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 1:52pm

I can see you have two choices here, either confront your sister and tell her to knock it off, or ignore her competely and do what you want to do.  As long as your mother is being well cared for, why are you worrying about this?  What will your sister do if she finds out you went out, kill you?  If you want to get out from under her thumb, then you need to stand up for yourself.  You could always tell your sister if she does not like the way you take care of your mother, then your mother can move in with her so she can take care of her how she sees fit.  I'm curious, are you even allowed to date (or get married), or as the younger, unmarried daughter, are you supposed to take care of your mother (in your culture)?  What would happen to your mother if you get married too?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 4:27pm

I like Itchick's response.  I was also thinking that when you want to go out, you should start asking your sister to come over and stay with your mom.  I know she will complain and say no, then you can tell her that she is the one who is saying that mom can't be left alone, you have plans that you aren't going to cancel, so she can either come over or not, but you aren't giving up all your social life.  It seems to me that if your mom is capable of working and driving, then she can be left alone.  You wouldn't probably go for a trip for a few days, but if she is not sick, what is the big deal?  My mom is 88 and walks with a cane and survived cancer a couple of years ago.  she lives with her sister, but she can still be left alone.  If there is some emergency, I assume that you & brother have cell phones--she can call one of you or 911 if necessary, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 4:32pm

Well im pretty sure my mom wont get married again. Yes I can date if i meet the right person, although I haven never date in my life but Im sure that is no problem if I ever do it. I dont know if it is that since me and my brotehr are the ones now responsible for our mother as we all live under the same roof, my sister will think we are the ones who have more time to be with her and check on her, cause she is married and she is not able to do that the whole time, she has her own home things to deal in her own house, with her husband, her house, etc. SO is why my sister keeps remind us of things we have to do in order for us not to forget that we have to do it. She may think that my brother and me forget things the whole time. Well my brothers a bit neglectful in certain things you know men are like that by instict, they are more sloppy in certain things, my dad was like that too.

Maybe my sister believes my bother and myself are not capable to watch mom the way she needs to be watched out so is why she has to be on us the whole time or very often. For example my sister had repeated me more than 3 times to make a photocopy (which I already had done) of my ID for some legal requierements my mom needs to do at some bank to withdraw some money my dad left us as my mom needs copy of all my dad children for that. So my sister had called me like 1 time for like 3 days so I wont forget to make the copy for the letter that needs to be taken to the bank, also that I cant forget that to tell my brother the same thing, as she has told him that before but she does not know if my bro has forget to m ake a copy of his ID.  Then the day we all went to my uncles house and I stayed a bit longer and my mom returned home earlier, she told me do not stay that long there so mom cant stay alone for a long time.

Then when I return home like 30 minutes later, my sister called, my mom picked up thephone and even though I dod not know or  heard  what my sister was talking to my mom, I gather for my mom answered that maybe my sister asked her, if I was already home and why I took so long to return home,.

I mean Im worried too that something like an accident (she fells, she cut herself, etc)  my mom may suffer when she is alone at the house and noone is there to help her that is my guess why my sister worries that much now since dad is  not with us anymore and me and my brotehr are responsible for her as we live at the house with her and our sister do not like mom to be alone that long since she is not there 24/7.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 12:59pm

I've tried, but it's obvious nothing gets through to you.  I'm done.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 10:54am

Geez I was jsut answering some of the questions you asked me in ur first comment

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 9:39pm

From your description, it sounds like your sister is being overbearing and overprotective. I agree with itchick, that you will need to stand up to your sister, or accept that she is going to tell you what to do. 

What I think needs to happen is for your mom to tell your sister to back off. Your mom sounds pretty independent, and since she still works and drives then she must be in pretty good shape physically and mentally, and doesn't need a babysitter like your sister thinks. If mom won't do it then maybe you and your brother have a meeting with your older sister and you two tell her. If nobody is willing to confront her and keep telling her until she accepts it, then she'll keep at it. 

You didn't answer the question about if you are expected to stay unmarried and be the caretaker for your mother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 3:51pm

So far Im not dating or have a bf not cause I dont want to,  but because for  me it has been very hard for many years tfor guys to ask me out and get to know  me (this is not related to my parents way of raising me or cause I follow a certain religion, etc)  I dont know but  guys do nto seem interested in me enough, I mean like what is normally guys do, they like a girl, they pursue her and try to get to knwo eahc other, etc etc. Guys does not do that to me, so I believe  that if that first approach will never happen it means I will never meet a guy not even to date, cause men do not find me interesting enough for at least to ask me out, in order to meet guys taht eventually in the future (who  knows when)   I could have a long relationship enough to marry that person. My brother is like some  guys today,  nto even remotely interested in getting married, he may like girls and stuff but he is those kind of some guys today that not pretend to marry anytime soon.

The house we currently live and been living for many years had belonged to my dad, my mom and us now that my dad is not with us it belongs to mom, my brother and myself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006

I think that you and your brother are great pple for taking care of your mother and looking after her. Your sister may have her own perception of how your mother shoud be cared for etc. You know sometimes when pple are single, there family and sometimes friends thinks that they have time to do things for them because of not being involved with anyway. For instance, watching a friend's child while she goes to movies with a new parnter. How does she know that you won't be going out too? Lol!

I think its great your mother is able to take care of herself and just let your sister know that she does well caring for herself.

Good luck