Narcissist Male Neighbor

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Narcissist Male Neighbor
24
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 9:06am

I'm in a studio sublet and next door is a younger male.  I am not at all interested in him, and am not interested in dating at all at the moment (had a long, drawn out difficult relationship, and need a long rest).  I just want to be left in peace and I'm very quiet. However I' m freelance and I am home a lot.  Because I am trying to reconnect with myself, I have been isolating and not socializing, besides which I don't know anyone here.

This guy is very disdainful and rude when I see him in the hallway, and when he comes home from work, he starts stomping around and slamming doors.  I don't know what to make of it.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 10:41am

You have made an awful lot of assumptions about a person who has never spoken one word to you.  And hopefully, you know what happens when you assume.

Your interpertation of the reasons for his behavior in his own home, behind closed doors, when you have never actually seen his behavior, or his house, just boggles the mind. 

I don't know anything about your "vibes", but unless you are the Long Island Medium I think you should stick to facts, and actual conversation.

I suspect this all has way more to do with both the reasons, and the effects, of your "...long, drawn out difficult relationship...", and that rather than rest & islation, what you really need is counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 11:28am

Giving me nasty, disdainful looks in the hallway is not what I would call polite, pleasant, normal behavior.

What is it with the internet now, and with ivillage (that used to be so great) that someone responds to my post in such a judgmental way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 11:53am

Not quite sure what kind of advice you are seeking here...you will always run the risk of noisy, odd, etc. neighbors, especially in an apartment building.  Unfortunately, your situation won't change unless you take the reins and start talking to him, or you move.  It's not *his* problem to fix, it's yours.  I'm curious, who was there first, you or him?  You mention you are subletting, will you be moving eventually?  Instead of isolating yourself and dwelling on this guy, why not distract yourself by going out with friends, going to the gym, taking a walk, whatever...I think you've let your imagination run wild here, getting back out into the world will give you some perspective.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 11:56am

Hi Lausanne,

I'm going to have to agree that you have made a lot of assumptions about a man you haven't really met and don't know. He may be thinking the very same things about you that you are thinking about him.

I honestly laughed when I read your post because my oldest son just told me a very similar story about an older woman who just moved in to the apartment next door to him and how she was really "stuck on herself" and unfriendly. I asked him how he knew all this and he told me he can tell by the way she walks in and stares at his door when she's letting herself in to her apartment. Your story is so nearly the same as my son's that at first I was thinking it was my son playing tricks with me, but I see you have been a member here for a while so you can't be him in disguise.

So I'll tell you the same thing I told him. I think you should take a few minutes to get to know your neighbors. You may find out they are nothing like you think. If it turns out you are right at least it will be based on facts and not assumptions.  

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 2:18pm

Ok, so what exactly has this guy done?  You have mentioned giving you dirty looks in the hallway and slamming doors.  You can choose to ignore the dirty looks or you can choose to let them bother you. From the time you first met him, did you say hi when you saw him?  If you say hi and the guy ignores you, makes a rude comment, etc., then I would definitely stop talking to him but I would be walking by pretending that he wasn't there.  If I caught him looking at my door, then I'd probably open the door and ask if there was something he wanted.  If he is making so much noise that he disturbs you, then I'd knock on the door and ask politely if he could keep things down.  But I do not read anything here for how you got to the assumption that he thinks he's a great catch, why he thinks you are interested in him, or that he's going out because you are home--he could be going out because he wants to be with his friends.  Unless he has actually asked you out I don't see any signs that he's interested in you.  I think if you had more things to occupy your time, you wouldn't care what he was doing because you would be more involved with your own things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 2:18pm

In response to all of you, don't you think it is abnormal to give nasty looks to me in the hallway?  I don't expect friendly (although most people in the building are), I just expect polite. This guy is rude to me. It is not me imagining what he's doing in his apartment, it is him doing it to my face in the hallway.

Now that I think back, this guy was flirting with me just before Valentine's Day.  However, I think he's much too young for me.  I'm one of these strange women who adores men, but only when I feel powerful.  If they are trying to dominate or control me in any way, it's avoid, avoid avoid.  So I have avoided this guy, who is French (and they tend to be quite macho towards women), and as I said, much too young.  Still, that's not a reason to be impolite.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 4:51pm

Hi L, 

I have found that sometimes "killing them with kindness" is the best medicine.  You may very well be correct on all counts, hard to say because we are not there with you.  Maybe you did inadvertantly come off rude to him (not saying you meant to, just his perception) and he is in a snit over it.

OR.....

It could have nothing to do with you and he is just experiencing something very uncomfortable and painful in his life right now.  If I am not in a good mood, I am not very likely to wave or visit with my neighbors when I go to my car or check my mail.  

I have had a couple neighbors over the years that I had issues with and the one that was minor I made it a point to wave every time I saw her when I came or left the house.  It worked.  She just couldn't stay annoyed at me (they wanted us to sign a complaint about some neighboring dogs and we wouldn't do it).  Eventually she warmed back up and all was well between us when she moved.  

The other one was a little more extreme (had a physical pressence at my door, at my car window, etc.  police were called by the neighbors several times because of him) and even so, I knew as long as he lived there I needed to keep some kind of peace.  That also worked and again, things were good when he moved and he actually paid my son to help him load his U-haul.

My long winded way to say again, just be polite as you would to any other neighbor and see what happens.  

Good luck!

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 7:30pm

I will agree that giving you dirty looks in the hallway is rude, but I don't understand how you got to deciding that he slams doors and stomps around because you are in your apartment (how would he even know that you are home or not unless you are making lots of noise?), or that your presence bothers him, or he doesn't want to be in his apartment if you are in your apartment? How is he not minding his own business and how do you know that he is "creeped out" by you being home a lot? How can you know exactly what he is thinking?

If he thinks that he is so great and you are so inferior then he probably doesn't even think about you...like you are not worth a thought to him. How often do you see him in the hall? Is it possible that you are projecting your own dislike of him and he is just responding in kind?

I would figure that he's just not a very nice person which is why he is rude. Continue to take the high road and be polite to him. Beyond that, ignore him and his slamming doors etc. It very likely has nothing to do with you personally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 11:23am

I don't usually mince my words and I won't here either.

You need to get  a life. Sorry, but it's true.

So you have a neighbour who gives you nasty looks when you see him outside.. so what?? What's that got to do with the rest of your lfie? He's nothing to you and you to him. S** him. Why do you care?

What some stranger does or does not do  in his flat or if he fancies you etc should not be important to you to the extent where you are posting about it on a message board. Who cares? I don't know about your past r-ship history but imo you are focusing on him because there is nothing./noone else in your life to focus on at the moment. This needs to change, simple as that.

You need to get out and live life. Get a job that takes you out of the flat. Try and reconnect with friends or meet new friends. I know, this is very hard to do in this day and age where everyone seems to be busy 24/7 but  you can still try. Go places, see things! Live music events?? Date! I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only way to recover from a bad break up is to get yoursel a new great 'with potential' r-ship...a man you love who loves you back. It will all feel different once that's your reality. You can can be a recluse who sits alone at home and reads self-help books but nothing will change for the better in your life.

Start living!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Thu, 05-22-2014 - 4:05pm

I think you have to have some tough skin to live in NYC, from your initial post to this one you have revealed things about yourself that explain your sensitivity around people in general, nevermind someone in close proximity, so to speak.  I don't know if you've ever sought counseling, if only to figure out how to navigate your new life now that you are out of that abusive relationship (and to make sure you don't get into another one!).  Unless you feel physically threatened by this man, and if so, call 911 immediately, you have to just move on, and yes, ignore him.  Don't even look at him so you don't have to see his nasty looks, just look straight ahead towards your destination.  Why are you giving this stranger the power to affect your life?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

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