Need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2009
Need to vent
7
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 12:19am

Hi everyone, my name is Susan and I'm new to this board but not to iVillage. But it's been awhile since I posted on a message board. Anyway, I really need to vent to someone. Today my boyfriend and I made the difficult decision to stop talking to some close friends. My boyfriend went on to work and I've been at home thinking about the decision we have made and I really hope it was the correct one. We were close friends with them, we would see each other almost every day and only live 4 blocks away from them. We are both in serious relationships and would do things as couples.  Part of the reason we decided to part ways because there were some hurtful words exchanged and today one of them told us to go f*** ourselves. And that wasn't the first time it was told to us. I told my boyfriend that isn't how you treat a friend. And we have felt like we have been taken advantaged of for far too long. Pretty much at the end of the month when they don't have any money (they both receive disability payments) they are coming to us to help them with cat food, cat liter, milk, eggs, cheese, salt, tea bags, etc. I could go on and on. And he has asked us to buy him his chewing tobacco. And whenever we would get together they would hint at something they needed or wanted and we would feel obligated to help them. We didn't want to see them struggle. And if I would be out shopping with my friend she would hint at things she wanted and it always made me feel guilty. Another reason why we decided to part ways was because as I mentioned before they both receive disability payments but one of them has a payee and he makes sure her bills are paid, rent and electric and whatever is left is her spending money. Now when it comes to his money, he pays a monthly bill to Rent-a-Center over $300 for the sofa and xbox one he is renting from them. Lately he hasn't been buying food the month because he spends the rest of his money on games, and other miscellaneous items. My boyfriend and I both feel he is irresponsible with his money and doesn't support her like he should. She would come to me and vent her frustrations to me and I would want to talk to him about it but she wouldn't want me too. We have been friends for 3 years but for the past year and a half this has been going on. I would also help them with their laundry but I got a new washing machine and I told them they would have to start doing their own laundry. When ever we would go over there we would see the dirty laundry piled up and they would say, "do you see all that dirty laundry over there?" It would make us feel bad and we would leave feeling guilty. I guess I am just venting because a part of me will miss them and their company. There are many more examples of why we feel used but I don't want to get into all that. Anyone who reads my post do you think we are doing the right thing by ending the friendship? Thanks in advance for reading and possibly commenting. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 12:41pm

I think you are doing the right thing because this does sound like you & your partner are being used.  It's a very one-way friendship.  Say you had friends who were lower income, you could choose to do things for them, like inviting them to dinner more often, going out to places that you know they could afford or were free, etc. but it puts a strain on the frienship for them to be asking you to pay their bills, esp. when you see that the guy can't manage his money--if he decides to spend his little income on games and there is no food, that is not really your responsibility and if the woman is upset about it then why does she stay with him?  She should be speaking to him about it to solve the problem, not to a 3rd party.  And then on top of that, they yell at you?  You really don't need "friends" like this.  Let them go mooch off  someone else now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 5:22pm

Based on what you have posted I think you made the best decesion. Maybe if their situation changes you can let them back into your life but for right now you need to stop doing so much for them.

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: elc11
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 6:09pm

Yes, you did the right thing. Friendship goes two ways, you seem to be doing all of the giving here and then they insult you on top of it.

How old are all of you? I would not even be bailing out my adult kids like this. You have been enabling these people to be irresponsible. Why should they do their own laundry or stick to a budget when they know they can get you to take care of their problems? They've been riding the gravy train at your expense, they swear at you, and you come back for more. There is no incentive to treat you well either because you allow the disrespect. They manipulate you to feel guilty about their problems and they will use you for as long as you let them.

Don't contact them. And block them on your phones because the end of the month is approaching and they will probably want to "hang out" to score some free groceries.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 6:10pm

.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 6:11pm

duplicate

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 6:11pm

duplicate

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 8:26am

This is exactly the way alcoholics react when their drinking buddy gets sober.  They don't want to face the music, and because you are making them do so, they are reacting negatively.  You are not responsible for these people, and it sounds like you went above and beyond as far as being a friend goes.  You are going to miss them but ultimately, you will make other friends, who treat you like you treat them.  You mention hurtful words being exchanged, and being told to go f*** yourselves, what was this about exactly, you not giving them something, or something else?  You have to look at when things aren't going their way, because you aren't providing them with what they *WANT* how do they react?  If they react negatively unless they are getting what they want, they are not friends, they are just moochers. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein