Should "Friend" have minded her own business

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2011
Should "Friend" have minded her own business
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 10:04am


My father passed away last fall - after a battle w/lung cancer. I am a divorced woman in her early 40s (no children) and live on my own. My ex-husband was very much despised by my immediate family (two sisters, Mom and esp. my Father).

He had an affair with the wife of a couple he lived with prior to us getting married, owes money to friends and family members all over town and in another city. Is wanted by the IRS for back taxes going back 8 years, warrants for back child support, owes me a lot of money (over $7K and has only paid me $100.00 since our split in 2009. He is completely bad news and his own daughter hasn't had a relationship w/him since 2008 (I went to her high school graduation - he came, but it was in a public place - anyone in the community could attend - however, she and her Mom cordially invited me personally). We even had an altercation and I wound up in the hospital for surgery from this particular altercation (I was too afraid to press charges because I was new in the community and didn't have a lot of friends and/or support like I do now). I have not seen and/or heard from him and I have cut off all ties to his family and friends. We had no children together, so he can't be a part of my everyday life and I didn't have to live the nightmare of what I see other women go through when you divorce someone and there's children involved, it's quite bad.

So, fast fwd today - we had a mutual friend (she's a Senior Citizen that was originally from my hometown) - she's neighbors with the couple that my ex-husband had the affair with the wife. I told my "friend" the truth about my ex-husband, and how he is a sociopath and he's bad news - I told her his outstanding warrants for back child support, how come I was in the hospital, how he ripped off people and was a thief. I warned her to stay away from him and if there was anything about me, he is never to know or else I'll have to drop our friendship. She said she would not pick sides w/me and I also told her that my immediate family would prefer she doesn't mention our name either because he has lost 100% respect from my family.

After a month since my Dad passed (she sent Mom a sympathy card), I was on FaceBook w/her asking if she ever told my ex or those neighbors of hers about my Dad's passing and she said she told a couple of people; however, she can't remember whether or not she told the ex and her neighbors and she said she might have said something. I was very upset and livid and I told her that my family was right about her - that she can't keep her yap shut and she had no right to let these people know. I'm the ex-wife and I think I was entilted to let my ex-husband know (which I had no plan of telling him) - I told her I can't trust her anymore and she's hurt my immediately family.

I spoke about this w/my counselor and she said that it wasn't nice what my FRIEND did and it was a BETRAYAL and disrespected my feelings 100%. I have now cut off this "friend" b/c now I know what a two-faced person she really is and after everything I've told her and what I went thru, my ex-husband charms her b/c he has a private agenda 100%.

Does anyone think I have the right to be angry and feel betrayed? I just feel the friend had no right to do this. She said to me that I'm just angry and I told her that if he would have showed up at my Father's funeral, he wouldn't have gotten past the front door b/c my cousins, aunts and uncles would have kicked his butt 100%. If there were children involved, yes, but there was no children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009

I'm not sure I understand your question.  Yes, you have the "right" to feel anyway you want.  You don't need permission.  I think you should drop that friend and move on.  Also might help - when you make new friends - to not go on and on about your ex.  It's not their business and they might not wnat to get involved with your baggage/issues.