Should we continue to support her even if she is our half sister?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Should we continue to support her even if she is our half sister?
4
Tue, 03-18-2014 - 12:40pm

 

 Like I have said in other posts, My dad passed away 1 month ago (due to cancer).  My dad due to a infidelity many many years ago I have a half sister, as a dad of course my dad never neglected my half sister economically, he always supported her. My half sister does not live with me, my mom or my brother; She lives by herself now as her grandmother who took care of her after her mom died several years ago also died. Even if she lives by herself, I know she has relatives from her mom side that from time to time goes to her house to keep her company; I think that now she lives with a cousin. The thing is that for some reason my half sister never finished high school and never went back to study or finish high school even if the years had passed and she has never really had started to look for a job either. Currently she does not work or study and she is like 30 yrs old. While my dad was alive like I said he always supported her economically, my dad gave her like $635 monthly for expenses for herself or the house.

 

At home and my dad never mentioned us or we never really ask, why my half sister never liked or wanted to find a job to support herself instead of asking my dad for money each month for expenses.

 

We consider our half sister part of our family even if she does not live with us, we have never like neglected her, sort of speak, she had always been taken into account for family gatherings even if she is just a half sister from our dad side, she had came to our house for bday relative gatherings, or other events.

 

While my dad was ill due to his medical condition, at home or at the hospital, all my dad kids ( my older sister, my younger brother, my half sister and myself)  took turns to care for him. My half sister even slept days at the hospital to be with him.

 

The thing is my dad passed away and according to the will he left, he left my half sister the house she had always lived, so that house belongs to hers. Also according to my mother, my dad left some money at the bank to be distributed 20%   among his kids and my mother of what he left at the bank.

 

My uncle, my brother in law, my brother, all agree that once my dad passed away, the economical support my half sister used to received from him, is now null and void, it does not have validity anymore as my dad was the one supporting her from his work money. Now my mom does not have the right to support her anymore, according to my uncle or brother in law. Cause I know that after my dad passed away my half sister asked our uncle for money for some house expenses as the money she has already had weeks before was already gone in houses expenses obviously.

 

This is the moment that we all agree that it is time for our half sister to start looking for a job as my mom does not have the right to support her anymore; she will have to figure it out how to earn money for her own expenses at her house and for herself and stop asking our uncle for money as my uncle is not my dad and my uncle has his own expenses as well. And also we came to find out that since our half sister does not live with us, we really do not know what is going on in her house, who she invites to keep her company, relatives, friends, etc  

 

So my mom says that once she receives the percentage my dad left, she will have to see what to do with that money, invest it in a bank, waste it, study, etc etc  but we hope she will put the money in good use and not waste it, so she can support herself with that money, cause my mom or uncle does  not have the right to support her now and we hope she is aware of that. I mean she has to start looking for a job, keep herself busy with a job and stop being at home doing nothing or expecting my mom or uncle to give her money each time the money runs out.

 

We do not want her to feel that we are neglecting her by stop giving her money, cause she may have that in mind, as my half sister we always had known that she a comfy miss and also has some attitude,  cause my dad never neglected her economically and she took advantage of that she was still his daughter and she is our half sister however, my mom does not have the right to support her, she can look for a job to support herself and earn her own money and also put in a good use the money dad left her too.  She will always be taken into account when the family will organize family get togethers so she wont feel she is completely left out now that our dad is gone that is something we wont change.

 

Do you think we should continue to support her as she is still part of our family or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I am surprised that if you consider your half sister close enough to be part of the family and invite her for family events and you even know how much your dad sent to support her, that no one ever had a conversation with her about why she never finished school or worked.  It might be good to know if she has some kind of disability (that's not apparent) that prevents her from working because, if so, she might be entitled to government support.  Otherwise, I agree that your family is under no obligation (which is what I think you mean, not "right") to support her.  Your father provided for her in his will including leaving her a house, so one option for her would be to sell the house and live off that money.  I'm sure it should have crossed her mind at some point that your father would not live forever and she should have been thinking about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013

Hi. Well we knew our half sister personally years after her mom and her grandma died like when she was like 18 yrs old  cause my dad wanted the family to meet his daughter as she was our half sister.Before 19 I never knew her personally neither did the family. And if at my house my mom or dad never brought the covnersation as why she never finished school or work when she was older it was cause :A) My  mom was not her mom so she did not have to get involved, 2) My dad was a spoiled dad as far as I know with her or as far as I know he never told her anything or even like had a conversation about  her. She once work as a masseuse but stop working as taht, and also if my dad did have a conversation about it with her it was something between my dad and her, the parties involved, not my family or my mom or her half siblings as we did not have to get involved my mom was not her mother but we (my mom my other siblings) did think that how come the half sister never work or looked for a job or at least study something but I never asked my dad if he had mentioned something to his daughter about it. I do not know if my  half sister at some point talk about it with my older sister or even our aunt and uncle who she also visited them from time to time when she was invited to some get together with them.

I dont know if my sister just took advantag to live off my dad when she ended up orphan from the mother and her grandma as he rarely say no to her when she ask him for money to fix something in her house or when she needed moeny to buy clothes or house groceries. My dad was always a very generous to people, he always help., he lended money to people who ask for it, if he knew they were in need. I believe that he even lended money to my half sister relatives.

But like I said my uncle who is my half sister uncle from my dad side, said my mom has no obligation from now on to keep supporting my sister like my dad did even my uncle said he wont support her either that is no his obligation now. My uncle is helping us lending my mom some money though for some expenses while there are some institutional process that takes time to solve it in order for my mom to receive my dad pension cause now she is a widower, so in the meantime my uncle is paying some bills at the house until all this process of my dad money going to  my mom is fixed, alsoo my mom is going to receive other kind of money but all that process also takes time. so at this moment there are only 2 salaries at home to pay some things, my mom and my salary, but my mom does not earn that much and I do not earn that much either, so the more reason for my uncle and mom to believe to stop  giving money to our half sister cause at home we cant like waste money unnecessary and givign our half sister money now is like anotehr expense until the financial aid my mom is waiting is in her hands we wont know how much all that process will take in those institutions.

Like you said my dad left the house my half sister always had lived since she was born to  her, she can do with that house anything she wants even selling that house and buy a smaller house and put soem money in the bank to earn interests. Also like I said she will receive 20% of some money my dad left at the bank we do not know how much is it but once she receive it we can suggest her to keep some money in the bank to earn interests but if she decides to waste all that money we wont be responsible to give her money aftewards due to her irresponsability of waste it all. She is old and mature enough I bet to think wisely so we hope she will.

Still like I said we dont wnat her to feel left out cause dad is not with us anymore as dad was the only link from us to her, we will still invite her to some family get togethers or gatherings, but if she decides not to attend well we at least took her into account.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Like you said, there is no obligation to continue supporting her. If your family was very wealthy and you, your brother and sister were all being given enough money that none of you had to work, then I suppose that the half-sister could expect that she would get that too--because she has been made to feel like she is part of the family. But if the rest of you work to support yourselves then there is no reason that she should get money and not have to support herself. If she chooses to get upset or feel hurt or neglected because the money stops, that's her choice and there's nothing you or your family can go about that. 

She got a house, which is a lot! Like you said she can sell it and live off of the proceeds. Anytime in the past 10 years she could have gone back to school or learned a trade--your father probably would have paid for it. Unless she is somehow disabled, at 30 years old its past time for her to start taking responsibility for herself financially, like most other adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013

I mean my dad was like the main provider of the house as he was a medical doctor and we were not like wealthy wealthy, but among my dad;s siblings and my mom siblings, lets say he was the one whearn more money on his  job than other relatives, is the reason why some relatives always said we had money), cause our house is bigger than the rest of my relatives, we had 3 cars but we were not rich. I do not even have a car.

My mom worked in the local municipality but is not that she earn a lot of money, perhaps less than my dad but not like a lot. So my dad provide us, the ones remaining at home and the single ones. But my dad always help if a relative wanted to borrow some money, even my older sister who is married sometimes she asked dad for money to lets say to pay some expenses of the house down payment, butu my older sister always paid him back.

The thing is that my dad hardly refused to say no when someone ask him for money, he even use to lend moeny to his sister if she needed or his nephews, but also if my dad ever needed money he could do the same to his siblings. My dad even if we went to a restaurant with my aunt, and she could not afford to pay enough, (and she did work) my dad did not mind paying her the lunch. My dad was very generous and when I sometimes even questioned him to stop giving money just like if we were rich he always said, He did not mind it was his siblings or someone in real need.

Well back to the issue, he was like the sole provider of the house, I do work, my mother worked, my brother always had had difficulty to find a steady and stable job due to the profession he chosed, still is struggling. I work so I pay my own clothes, my phone bill, my leisure, and now I give my mom some money each 2 weeks for house expenses or herlself if she want to spend the money on herself.  My dad retired like 5 yrs ago so he received a monthly pension but now that he passed away that same pension will be transferred to my mom but not the same amount of money, she will receive less.

My half sister as far as I knew or understand, she never finsihed school or she never worked, all the money she had for her house expenses came from my dad, as my dad gave her an alimony every month.   Also I dont know how much all my dad kids will receive once the bank will authorize the release of the money my dad had saved there in a bank account. I just know that whether is a lot or not a lot I will keep the money in the bank to have money from the proceeds and I will suggest my brother (the one who is struggling in the job department) to do the same) and I hope my half sister do the same, I hope she is grown up enough to know or udnerstand my mom does not  have the obligation anymore to support her. She still my half sister and she will be always taken into account for family get togethers when we invite her, but I hope she is wise enough to put a use that money in good use whether is a lot or  not that much even finish school or find a job and she is wise enough to think my mom has 0 obligation to keep giving her money not even our uncle will give her money, cause maybe if my mom stop giving her money, she could ask my uncle, but my uncle already said he wont give her money each month. The problem is that since she has never worked she has 0 experience of anything but I guess that is her problem not ours.