Was "Friend" out of Order

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2011
Was "Friend" out of Order
11
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 10:06am

Hello:

My father passed away last fall - after a battle w/lung cancer. I am a divorced woman in her early 40s (no children) and live on my own. My ex-husband was very much despised by my immediate family (two sisters, Mom and esp. my Father).

He had an affair with the wife of a couple he lived with prior to us getting married, owes money to friends and family members all over town and in another city. Is wanted by the IRS for back taxes going back 8 years, warrants for back child support, owes me a lot of money (over $7K and has only paid me $100.00 since our split in 2009. He is completely bad news and his own daughter hasn't had a relationship w/him since 2008 (I went to her high school graduation - he came, but it was in a public place - anyone in the community could attend - however, she and her Mom cordially invited me personally). We even had an altercation and I wound up in the hospital for surgery from this particular altercation (I was too afraid to press charges because I was new in the community and didn't have a lot of friends and/or support like I do now). I have not seen and/or heard from him and I have cut off all ties to his family and friends. We had no children together, so he can't be a part of my everyday life and I didn't have to live the nightmare of what I see other women go through when you divorce someone and there's children involved, it's quite bad.

So, fast fwd today - we had a mutual friend (she's a Senior Citizen that was originally from my hometown) - she's neighbors with the couple that my ex-husband had the affair with the wife. I told my "friend" the truth about my ex-husband, and how he is a sociopath and he's bad news - I told her his outstanding warrants for back child support, how come I was in the hospital, how he ripped off people and was a thief. I warned her to stay away from him and if there was anything about me, he is never to know or else I'll have to drop our friendship. She said she would not pick sides w/me and I also told her that my immediate family would prefer she doesn't mention our name either because he has lost 100% respect from my family.

After a month since my Dad passed (she sent Mom a sympathy card), I was on FaceBook w/her asking if she ever told my ex or those neighbors of hers about my Dad's passing and she said she told a couple of people; however, she can't remember whether or not she told the ex and her neighbors and she said she might have said something. I was very upset and livid and I told her that my family was right about her - that she can't keep her yap shut and she had no right to let these people know. I'm the ex-wife and I think I was entilted to let my ex-husband know (which I had no plan of telling him) - I told her I can't trust her anymore and she's hurt my immediately family.

I spoke about this w/my counselor and she said that it wasn't nice what my FRIEND did and it was a BETRAYAL and disrespected my feelings 100%. I have now cut off this "friend" b/c now I know what a two-faced person she really is and after everything I've told her and what I went thru, my ex-husband charms her b/c he has a private agenda 100%.

Does anyone think I have the right to be angry and feel betrayed? I just feel the friend had no right to do this. She said to me that I'm just angry and I told her that if he would have showed up at my Father's funeral, he wouldn't have gotten past the front door b/c my cousins, aunts and uncles would have kicked his butt 100%. If there were children involved, yes, but there was no children.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:07pm
You have every right to be upset. She betrayed your trust and showed absolutely no respect for your feelings or wishes by "possibly" telling your ex. At least now you know that you can't trust her and you need to cut her out of your life completely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:08pm

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:08pm

why did this post 4 times??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:58pm

I don't think that your friend should have mentioned that your father died, but wouldn't this be public information anyway--like death notice in the paper?  I could see being more upset if she had told him something he couldn't have found out in other ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2011
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 2:49pm

Thank you for writing back to me - this info about my Dad's passing would not be made public in a newspaper because my immediate family are in another country - there is no way he could have found out the information - he thinks he's smart; however, if he didn't leave behind a less from Child Support Enforcement Collections - I wouldn't have found out his other scheming ways. My father despised him to the fact that I even lied to my parents that there was Domestic Violence involved - b/c I was too afraid to say anything, I only told him after I moved to another apartment and it was about 4 months later.

Well, thanks for your input, I'm very upset that the old lady had to go and say something that was in no way any of right place to say anything - remember, if there were children involved, yes, he'd have a right to know - look at what he hid from me during our marriage - this is his payback 100% because he also financially took advantage of my parents too.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 11:59am

If she was a very close friend then it would be a betrayal, from a more casual friend just "not nice" and proves that its just a casual friend. A more casual friend would be more likely to not want to be in the middle of a problem that doesn't involve her and may feel that agreeing to your request draws her into your relationship drama. Ideally the older lady would have agreed to not share any info about you or your family, but when she said that she would not take your side it was a tip off that you would not be able to trust her in confidentiality. That would have been the time to unfriend her on FB and make sure to not tell her anything important if you ever spoke with her again. Somehow she found out that your father had passed, presumably not from you (because you knew you couldn't trust her), and based on her earlier statement its not surprising that she told people. If you have any mutual friends with her she can still find out things about you and your family, and you cannot control that, or how people choose to spread such information. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2011
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 9:38am

I wrote: After a month since my Dad passed (she sent Mom a sympathy card), I was on FaceBook w/her asking if she ever told my ex or those neighbors of hers about my Dad's passing and she said she told a couple of people; however, she can't remember whether or not she told the ex and her neighbors and she said she might have said something.

She found out my Dad passed from me - my family is from another country outside the US - there's no way she could have found out from anyone else. She said when me and ex broke up, she'd still be my friend and not pick sides between me and ex-husband. When I told her that she was out of order, she said that I still must have anger towards my ex and I told her that my family completely despises him for putting me in a hospital (domestic violence), cheating me with the IRS and having an affair with her neighbor - it's messed up. She should know about abusive marriages b/c her first husband was an Alcoholic and she got away from him. Anyway, she is completely now cut off from my life for ths betrayal - b/c she should have minded her own business. However, why is she so dense after everything I've shared w/her about my ex-husband she still continues to have a relationship w/him - knowing that the time he had met her and only knew her for a very short period of time, he came knocking on her door asking for a loan of money ($100) - she lent him the money (he paid her back), but she should have just closed the door on him for good. Maybe he's trying to get on her "good side" in case he needs another handout of money.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 6:31pm

I guess I am a little confused.  Maybe I didn't read your post correctly.

Did you share with this gal (and did you say she was elderly?) the truth about your xH to protect her?  Were you concerned that he may cause her harm?  If you thought he may take advantage of an eldery person, and God forbit hurt her, then I can see why you shared all of these things.  If not, then I am a little confused what the point would be after all of this time to tell her all of this.

So okay, you consider this woman a friend and like any friend you told her that your dad passed away.  I think in all fairness that is a huge piece of informatioin to ask someone to keep a secret.  If your xH finding out was going to cause you harm (of which I am unsure why that would be), then why tell anyone at all that didn't need to know (if no one in this country would know anyways).

Again, maybe I misunderstood your post, but what I envisioned was a lot of information being given to someone who maybe didn't need to know any of it to begin with.  I can think of a few people that I enjoy the company of, but no way in heck would I expect them to keep any kind of secret.  

Regardless, I am glad you got away from this man!  

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2011
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 1:10pm

You wrote:

Did you share with this gal (and did you say she was elderly?) the truth about your xH to protect her?  Were you concerned that he may cause her harm?  If you thought he may take advantage of an eldery person, and God forbit hurt her, then I can see why you shared all of these things.  If not, then I am a little confused what the point would be after all of this time to tell her all of this.

Yes, I shared some very informative information with this gal (she's the same age as my Mom - but still travels and drives) the total honest truth about my ex-H - the minute we split - we met two months after me and ex-H split and I told her to be extremely careful of him, he's a liar, a sociopath and will put on a facade just to make himself look good. I even told her he had an affair with a neighbor that she spends time with that lives a couple of houses down from her. He even borrowed money ($100) when he barely knew her b/c he was desperate and while we were dating/engaged, she wanted so badly to tell me but was too afraid to say anything. I've spoken to my counselor about this and she said I had every right in the world to be mad at this woman - because she should have left it to me to tell him - that's why I'm angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 6:29pm

This seems to be a duplicate of your other post.

You have the "right" to feel whatever you want.  Might help if you didn't go on and on about your ex when talking to friends.  TMI.

Pages