Wasn't this rude? What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Wasn't this rude? What do I do?
Sat, 07-12-2014 - 12:57pm

I mailed a good friend of mine for some information and she snapped at me saying it was the least of her concerns because she's busy. I think this is abrasive without reason and I don't want to talk to her for some time. If I tell her I'm upset, she'll tell me to grow up and be a big girl.

I don't think this is enough to lose a friendship over but am wondering what will be a good interval to resume talking to her. I have a feeling she won't bother to reach out if I go silent and that bothers me. It makes me wonder if I am in the wrong by wanting to be silent for a while. 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 07-12-2014 - 4:45pm

Apparently she's stressed over something else so let it go for now. If you need this info asap, is there some other way that you can get it? 

How about just sending her an email or text asking "when will be a good time for touch bases regarding that info?" That reminds her that you want it but respects her busy schedule.

When to resume talking to her? When she's not so busy and has time to chat. I would hold off calling her because she's busy, not because you're trying to give her the silent treatment/pouting. If its because you want a break from her, then take however long you feel you need. It sounds like there's some imbalance in this friendship if you anticipate her telling you to grow up when you say you're upset about something she does.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 07-12-2014 - 7:58pm

It's hard to tell if your friend was rude without knowing her side of the story.  Did you send her just one request for information, and then leave it to her to reply when she had time, or did you send multiple requests?  Have you been pushy with other requests in the past?  Did you ask for something that was urgent, and that ONLY she had access to, or could you have found the information yourself? 

You say she'll tell you to grow up & be a big girl.  Is this because you have a tendancy to act childish?  Or demanding?  Do you ask others to do things you could do for yourself?  When you say that if you back off, you suspect she will not pursue, that is a red flag that you are NOT respecting her boundries.  There are two sides to every story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 1:55am

ELC, Sabrtooth, I was not bombarding her with mail or requests for information or anything like that. She was attending to someone sick and I  did not know she was still in the hospital after texting her about 2 weeks ago. And I only asked her because she's always sharing info like this with me, voluntarily, telling me what's going on where, etc.

The reason I say she won't reach out/tell me to act like a big girl is because I think she will want to make it look like I'm being whiny, out of her own guilt. She has been rude and cutting to another friend too who has distanced herself from her. Even with me, this is not the first time but so far, I've let it go. She's not a casual friend, we're close, and I don't want her to think I'm cutting her off for what I see as a small but definite rude action. I do think, though, that she's being unnecessarily aggressive - if she didn't have answers to the information or didn't have the time, she could have said she was busy or ignored my email. And I want her to know that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 5:46am

And when I say I texted her, it was a how are you, what have you been up to kind of message, nothing asking her for anything. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 8:46pm

Well considering she was attending to someone in the hospital, that's probably why she was snappish with you, although not really a good reason.  She could have just said what she was doing in a polite way.  I think you should write back and say that you weren't aware about the hospital and sorry to have bothered her and ask her to contact you when she has some time.  If she never contacts you, then you know your friendship isn't that valuable to her.  I have a friend who I hardly saw at all over the winter--I didn't really take it personally cause I have other friends to hang out with--but lately we have been seeing each other constantly.  I thought about it and duh!  she's a teacher and so on summer vacation she has plenty of time to go out.  During the school year she is getting up at 5:00 am so she's always tired and even on Friday nights is just exhausted from the week and then on Sundays she's preparing for the next week of school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Wed, 07-16-2014 - 12:41pm
Instead of wondering if you did something wrong and asking us how long you should give her the silent treatment, you should step back and assess whether you really need this "friend" and why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 2:24am

WSB, thanks for saying this. It's been more than a week now and I haven't felt like reaching out to her or even telling her that I was hurt. One reason is that many other friends said leave her alone because she's stressed, and while I am doing that , I do feel her rudeness was totally unjustified, whatever the situation. I do intend to tell her if she reaches out, though. I think I'll just take it as it comes.

As for silent treatment, it's not intended to teach her a lesson but because I want a break from her.

Music Lover, my feelings have changed a bit since I posted this query. I will still be friends with her if she wants me but I am not going to be apologetic/humble without its being necessary. All I am prepared to say is that I didn't know she was in the hospital still. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 6:48pm

Is there some other way you could get the information?

I have a friend who was always asking me to do internet searches for things and I finally had to tell her to do the searches herself. She could have done it easily, but just wanted someone else to do it for her. I eventually end friendships with people who keep asking for favors over and over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 6:44am

Jyladvik, this isn't about the information at all. I asked several other people for it as well, so it didn't matter if she didn't give me the information. It didn't involve any work on her part.

It was about how incredibly and needlessly rude she was. And I wanted to know how to deal with it because she's a friend of about twenty years.