why would he say this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
why would he say this?
7
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 1:15pm

Ok I don't want this to be a novel here .Basically background info about me and my friend. We've known each other for 4 years now. We had had a fwb thing awhile back.I stopped it because that's not what I had wanted and I knew it.Nothing but friends only.No hanky panky or anything.I had grown to talk to him about anything that suits me because I was that comfortable with him.He's had gf's since..nothing stable. Well now in the present. He has made it clear to me that he doesn't want to have sex with me and just be friends.How the sex thing came up is because one night during one of his calls..he had said that how he had wanted me to come over so I could lay in bed with him.Well the next day I e-mailed him saying that how he had had his chance and long time ago and that's not what I want..I deserve better.Well he of course denied saying that he said that and that's when he put in his e-mail to me that how he doesn't want to have sex with me and sorry if I had taken it that way!He see's me only as a friend and I actually believed him since it's been 4 years now and the past is the past.He has called me to chit chat with me.Even had told me that at one point he had almost come over to crash on my couch because he had wanted to get away from his home for awhile..just feeling restless I guess.I had been suprised to hear this and that's when I had asked why and he had said it was during the time when he had been going through some stuff with his now ex partner.I had told him that he could have crashed on my couch if he had needed to.NOw moving to this week.He has has taken 1 week vacation from his work and before he had taken the vacation...last month he was getting ready to go out of state for 1 month.He had wanted to see me before he was to leave.Well I had been dealing with some things and I wasn't ready to see him and I had told him that I would see him once he got back.Anyways fast forward now to this week.He's on vacation.He's called me 3 times wanting to play pool.Of course since he's called during the weekday and very late..I had told him that I couldn't come over.The last call I had been talking to him after midnight and he had stated that I could have already been over to his place by now.I don't live far from him.Now comes yesterday. I had called him around 830pm to ask him if I can come over to play pool now.He had somehwere he needed to be so I said ok..call me when you get back home.Well when he had called me..it was 1035pm.He asked me if I was still coming over and I said I'm on my way. Well I got there and he had the pool table set up and everything and had the TV on watching a basketball game. There was nothing out of the ordinary in our interaction.I felt that we were just 2 friends playing pool.We played about 3 games and then started watching in the livingroom on the couch a movie on TV. Well he had had some royal crown and I took a remainder of Pepsi to drink.Later I drank some of his Royal crown with the Pepsi to try to delude the drink because I don't drink that often.Anyways so during the 1st movie he started to drift off to sleep.I on the other hand had started to feel the effects of the drink.I had stated to him that I could sleep on the couch and he can go to bed since he was dozing off and on but he stayed watching tv .Then as I was getting up to pour out the remainder of the drink in the sink...I felt the effects still so I said that I'm going to lay down.So I went to his room and layed down trying to go to sleep.It was by now maybe 130am?He stayed out in the living room..at first he was sleeping or dozing off here and there and then he started to watch movie #2.I had seen the beginnig of movie # 2 but then I needed to go lay down. Now mind you..as I was heading over to his house earlier..I went through a DUI checkpoint.By the time I was in the line..they had started to shut it down so they just had us drive through.So anyways I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep because by now I wasgetting a slight headache from the alcohol.I could here the TV on in the living room and also the TV on in another room on. Well during me trying to get some sleep..the light was turned on in the bedroom..I quickly pulled the blanket over my head to shut out the light.I didn't think anything of it.I'm thinking I need to get some sleep and then later the lights come on and here is my friend telling me that he feels uncomfortable having me spend the night.Now mind you..this is the same person who had this week and a month ago wanting me to come over to drink some wine with him.Now..the times he would be calling me...if I had gone over to drink wine...i would have crashed at his place...I don't drink and drive.SO..when he's saying this to me I'm confused.I asked him why he's uncomfortable having me spend the night and he didn't want to say why.He just said that he can't explain..he just feels uncomfortable. Now I feel bad because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own home BUT really??!! You're going to say this NOW knowing that you have made it ok for me to spend the night if I had gone over to drink wine one of those other nights recently? SO needless to say I left feeling hurt and embarrased,confused, and for the 1st time..I felt like a stranger.I never was inappropriate or disrespectful the entire time I was there. I actually thought it was just 2 friends hanging out and one crashing on the couch or bed ..not thinking he was at all uncomfortabe about this since he never made it an issue...so I left and I have been crying all day because I didn't expect this from him.So I e-mailed him letting him know how he made me feel and that how as a friend he should have been able to tell me why all of a sudden he's uncomfortable having me sleep over.I mean this is 4 yrs knowing this person so he's not a stranger and I fell that he could have just talked to me about why sleeping over would make him uncomfortable.I honestly thought that we had by passed all of the past.I believed we had....I never want to make ANYONE uncomfortable but to hear it from someone whom I thought was a friend of 4 yrs..I don't understand where he's coming from with this.Basically there is always a reason behind someone being uncomfortable...I want to know what that is.I think I deserve to know...if the tables were turned...I would know IF I would want someone to crash at my place..I would know if it would make me uncomfortable....if it did..I would never offer it...

Avatar for cupcakebabe
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2011
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 1:30pm

Wow. Ok.  A lot of things here. 

From your description, you don't sound like close friends, and by close friends I mean friends that you'd sleep in their bed. I know you have a FWB past, but it doesn't seem like you're on great terms. You said you feel comfortable telling him things, yet you didn't tell him anything when he called you late to come over (that it was too late) or that you need to sleep because of the alcohol effects — or even that there was a DUI checkpoint. In my head, that's something you would be able to say to a close friend. It just seems like you're tip-toeing around something.

You guys are not on the same page friendship wise. Seriously. You need to back up and take a look at why you're friends with him. If it were me, I'd take a break from him. I bet in the long run, you wouldn't end up missing him all that much.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 2:11pm

I had mentioned the DUI checkpoint when I arrived at his home...I had slept in his bed before...the last time I had been over to his place was in March.I tell you I had slept over before at his place and sometimes that was all it was..me just sleeping over...we had been chatting and talking about just stuff.I never felt that anything was out of wack...I just never thought he would say something like that since I have spent the night many of times..but it was in a different place in my life...BUT he kept wanting to stay friends.I had brought up all those nagging questions a long time ago...if I had felt there was not genuine friendship...I don't know.You would have to have been a fly on the wall to see how really surprised I felt that he would say that all of a sudden,,,

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 2:55pm

I am thinking that he must be seeing someone and didn't want to have to explain anything to another girl.  The thing is, whether it be your past physical relationship or the temptation of another one, it is there and can't be undone.  

There are a lot of things that are perfectly approrpriate between two friends.  One or both get into a romatic R, things change.  Period.  Right or wrong, they just do.  

So, I would almost bet that none of it is personal to you and it is because there is a girl in his life.  

Good luck and I hope he is able to be honest with you about his discomfort.  

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 2:56pm

Yes it is really strange to me.  I am not in the habit of sleeping over at a male friend's house but you had done it before--plus does he not care about your safety, wanting you to drive home late at night after drinking?  that's inconsiderate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 7:22pm

Musiclover12...you are very right about that too...I was just too stunned to even think about that until today when I was telling a friend the story...she commented on that too...I really have learned my lesson to not deal with this person as a friend any longer no matter what he has told me in the past. This has really hurt me BUT if I had listened to my friends in the 1st place about  him I wouldn't be hurting because this wouldn't have happend  to me to begin with.I'm just going to spend the rest of my weekend really having a great heartfelt cry to deal with the pain that I'm feeling and start a new because I know in my heart that he was wrong in  treating me that way and I didn't deserve that at all.I never did anything inappropriate for him to feel uncomfortable with me staying over...also the thing about what someone else had stated..maybe he's seeing someone and didn't want me to stay over because of it.Well this whole week and also a month before when he was planning to leave for Cali for a month, he had wanted me to come over and drink wine with him.I had made the comment about me drinking so late..and he stated that there wouldn't be any problem for me crashing over there...so with that being said then...I don't know why he would feel now uncomfortable in having me spend the night...I just will not be disrespected any longer from this person.Since this morning I have e-mailed him telling him how he made me feel by saying he would feel uncomfortable with me staying the night..so far he hasn't responded to tell me why he felt uncomfortable.That's all I want to know is WHY he would feel this way about me..one who never disrespected him throughout the whole visit..I thought when you're 43 yrs old..you wouldn't be immature like this and be able to express why the sudden change.I felt that he could have talked to me like an adult about this since I'm not a stranger to him but now I know that will never be possible...NO more being a DOORMAT!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 7:28pm

Serenity96..then if there is a girl in his life..how easy would it be to just say that? You shouldn't need to hide about that.I would never do anything to disrespect someone who is in a relationship or 'seeing' someone.I am not like that..but yeah...I see your point.I'm going to have a great cry this whole weekend and just stop being a doormat..because he really made me feel really awful this morning...like I wasn't welcomed there after a certain time...what type of friend does that to another?? ANswer: One that is not really your friend. I don't know what pleasure he's gotten out of this but no more.Thank you for your insight :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 1:56pm
Well since I sent him an e-mail to explain himself..he never responded so he has been nothing but a complete jerk and asshole the WHOLE time.He has been nothing but a liar and deceiver the whole time.He is dead to me and I haven't shed a tear since Sunday since I had given myself the whole weekend to just let it all out because I'm not a fake person.I have feelings which he obviously doesn't because for him to treat me that way was extremely disrespectful.I blocked all his e-mails,ph# out of my phone...just surrounding myself with my REAL friends...those who don't lie to me.He will get what is coming to him and I HOPE that he will get to experience how he made me feel some day because that would only be fair.Thank you all for your opinions.I'm taking 1 day at a time.