No joy with kids, joy without them

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2013
No joy with kids, joy without them
Tue, 12-03-2013 - 5:46pm

My friend is 19 and just had her baby, which willl be fatherless. Im 28 and have never imagined having a baby with my work schedule. My last childless friend is trying for a baby and her boyfriend rarely allows her to go. So its just me left.

I was present for my 19 y/o friend giving birth at her request. I felt nothing no joy.... nothing. I felt like passing out from the gore. I held the baby and talked to it but got bored and gave it back.I like playing with kids and get along with them. I like my stress-free lifestyle, I like leaving when I want and moving around alot. I change bfs very frequently.

My friends all say Im getting old and need to have a baby now. I say the same thing I like my peace and quiet and spending money on me. My friend that is presently trying wants me to get pregnant when shes pregnant (elderly pregnancy pact). My doctor feels I should see a therapist about the no baby decision, which has been my stance since age 17. She says I will change my mind and it will be too late. I feel emotionless around them, I love cats and dogs I dont love kids.

All because your a woman doesnt mean you have the desire to have a baby built in.

another issue is once you have a baby most likely we wont be friends. I dont do anything family friendly when they cant find a sitter. They have alot of kids. We cant drink anymore because they are breast feeding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-05-2013 - 1:14pm

I don't think anyone "should" have a baby--it's a personal decision which you might change or might not--no one else can or should decide that for you.  I know I've seen your name on other boards--are you married or single?  If you don't even have a patner, then it's ridiculous to even think about getting pregnant.  I know that some women have a baby alone (not planned) but it's a much better idea to have a child when the father is going to be around--and I think that some women who previously didn't want to have a child then meet a guy and want to have a child with him.  I also think there is a little immaturity for someone your age--yes going out & having a drink is fun, but I would think that if someone was really your friend you wouldn't drop them when they had children.  Oh and I was always pretty career oriented but I did have 2 kids and very glad I had them--but before I had my own kids, I never babysat and didn't really care too much about other people's kids.  so you just never know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2001
Sat, 12-14-2013 - 11:56am
Welcome, Peppia! The thing that stood out most to me in your post was your comment that your doctor recommended a therapist about your decision. While I'm a big proponent of professional help for various reasons, I don't know that I agree with seeing a therapist to -- essentially -- convince you do do something contrary to a decision with which you are very comfortable. I've remained friends with my friends who have had children. Some of those friendships have evolved more than others. Some I see rarely. Others we get together with almost as often as before -- we just have different activities, or I know there will be a point in the evening where I'll need to wait a few minutes while the parents take care of something child-related. I've changed over the years, too, even if my changes don't include children ... I hope you're able to adjust your relationships to the changes all of you have experienced over the years -- or that you're able to make some friends with similar stances on parenthood. Good luck!

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