Advice needed Please - from another womens' view

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Registered: 03-30-2005
Advice needed Please - from another womens' view
4
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 3:55pm

So I have been with my other half for almost 11yrs. Over the yrs we have been through alot including infadelity on both sides. On my part I have not did anything for almost 6 yrs. And on his part since December when I found out that him and another girl went to the movies. There has been alot of isues betewwen us but we now have 4 kids, all under the age of 9. I am working full time as well as going to school part time, alot of times when I come home from work I have to clean and make dinner, then finish homework, and do bedtime, plus try to find time to finish my own homework and class assignments.

I still find myslef having these arguments with the other half because he feels I dont spend enough time with him, I dont kiss him enough, and Im not intimate enough with him. I find it hard to run a full daily routine and still have energy to be intimate in bed. He believes that if I can stay up till 12 am I can be intimate with him. To me resting in bed and being intimate is not in the same catagory. I explain to him that Intimacy on the weekend is all I can handle right now, but to him its not enough. I cant handle the stress and sometimes with all the past issues we have had I feel unsure if this is where I want to be. I never wanted my kids to grow up in a broken home jsut as I did, but Im sure we are messing well. He says he loves me and wants us to be a family but then drives me crazy because I communicate with the guys at work, or want to hang out with some me time every once in awhile. I feel trapped in a way and dont know what to do... Any advice given with help with the thoughts in my mind..

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
lilray2005 wrote:

So I have been with my other half for almost 11yrs. Over the yrs we have been through alot including infadelity on both sides. On my part I have not did anything for almost 6 yrs. And on his part since December when I found out that him and another girl went to the movies. There has been alot of isues betewwen us but we now have 4 kids, all under the age of 9. I am working full time as well as going to school part time, alot of times when I come home from work I have to clean and make dinner, then finish homework, and do bedtime, plus try to find time to finish my own homework and class assignments.

I still find myslef having these arguments with the other half because he feels I dont spend enough time with him, I dont kiss him enough, and Im not intimate enough with him. I find it hard to run a full daily routine and still have energy to be intimate in bed. He believes that if I can stay up till 12 am I can be intimate with him. To me resting in bed and being intimate is not in the same catagory. I explain to him that Intimacy on the weekend is all I can handle right now, but to him its not enough. I cant handle the stress and sometimes with all the past issues we have had I feel unsure if this is where I want to be. I never wanted my kids to grow up in a broken home jsut as I did, but Im sure we are messing well. He says he loves me and wants us to be a family but then drives me crazy because I communicate with the guys at work, or want to hang out with some me time every once in awhile. I feel trapped in a way and dont know what to do... Any advice given with help with the thoughts in my mind..

Hi & welcome to the board :)

Certainly does sound like you have a lot on your plate.
have you discussed with him to help with some of those chores you end up doing when you get home from work?
Is he home earlier than you?
Can he get dinner going, help the kids with their homework?
You're right about relaxing in bed & intimacy being two different things.
Have you talked/thouht about seeking some counseling?
Either together or alone to work on issues you may have like not being sure if this is what you want?
Let's hope others chime in with more ideas as well so do check back :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
I am exhausted from reading your post-I can only imagine how much you have to juggle.

I agree with Hugss about seeing if the house and child duties can be spread more evenly. Or schedule your sex. It sounds weird but I've heard it works,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
There are so many questions to your post that I'm not sure where to start. Have you always had a full sex life? So is this new to him? If so, then it might just be the stress/busy factor. But I have to point out that calling your DH "other half" is a very unpassionate title. Perhaps over the struggles and infidelity you have lost some of your passion for him? If so, that is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed immediately! You don't want your kids seeing a loveless marriage (not to be harsh, I can't think of better wording right now!) as their example.

If you are up and lying in bed, how about just sharing some intimate conversation? Tell him you don't want to be pressured for sex, but you need to reconnect with him first. I have other suggestions that might be too specific for this board - I'm new and have to learn the ropes first!

Good luck,

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008

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