Am I doomed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2010
Am I doomed?
9
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 10:08am

My wife and I live very stressful lives. As for myself, I have lived in denial as to the need for anti-depressants for too long and recently went back on them. While it dropped my sex drive temporarily, the help of testosterone replacement therapy has brought it right back up.

The pills have also made me look at things differently and the conclusion I have is that our marriage is in alot of trouble. We never really communicated and when it came to sex I was initiating 99.5% of the time. My wife told me recently she just doesn't think about sex anymore. She says she still loves me very much but when it comes to sex she just isn't where she can bring herself to initiate. When I initiate she does get into it so that's a good thing I guess. The fact that she never comes to me and takes me by the hand to go, bothers me.

If sex is the glue of the relationship, I feel like I'm doomed. I want spur of the moment. I want some excitement. Is Ashley Madison in my future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
In reply to: bigmac73
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 10:19am

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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
In reply to: bigmac73
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 11:56am

Welcome to the board.

While it's normal for sex drive to ebb and flow throughout a relationship, it is important to keep the lines of communication open so that your partner is aware of your needs and frustrations.

Try talking to your wife and letting her know that you need more intimacy. It might help if you let her know that affection doesn't always have to lead to intercourse.

Would she be willing to initiate things to make you feel good, even when she isn't feeling it herself? Maybe she just needs that suggestion.

I talked to my doctor at one point about sex drive and she pointed out that the more you act, the better it feels and the more you want. That first step can be difficult but worth it in the end.

Finally, you might consider talking to a counselor, especially one who might be trained in these types of issues. It is important that you keep the lines of communication open and also that you get to the root of the issue, if there is some underlying issue.

Be patient!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: bigmac73
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 3:52pm

"If sex is the glue of the relationship, I feel like I'm doomed. I want spur of the moment. I want some excitement. Is Ashley Madison in my future?"

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
In reply to: bigmac73
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 10:40pm

HI & welcome to the board :)

I do agree with what the others have suggested,
Talking with your wife & perhaps some kind of counseling together would be beneficial.
Everyone is different as well as when they want/don't want sex.

Talk with your wife .. ask her what you can to do help her,
Perhaps that will make her feel more like wanting it as well.

Let us know how things go :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2010
In reply to: bigmac73
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 7:35am

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

We are both in our later 30's which is a time I thought was supposed to bring on a major sex drive on her end. Like I said though, we both live stressful lives but deal with the hand we're dealt admirably I think. I recently started therapy and had several things opened up to me than I never really realized or never really WANTED to realize.Basically, I feel unwanted. Going back over our ten year marriage, the amount of times that I have initiated sex is MASSIVE. The amount of times she has initiated I can count with both hands. Over a ten year marriage that just isn't right. The thought that she has been having an affair is very much at the forefront of my mind. Where she would get the time I have no idea but there are holes.

I opened up and told her things I would never have told her last night. The more I talked, the more it was evident that I am very unhappy in our marriage. I have laid out my case to her and I guess the ball is in her court.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: bigmac73
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 8:42am

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
In reply to: bigmac73
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 9:06am

Great to hear you talked,
How did she take it?
Keep us posted :)




Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
In reply to: bigmac73
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 10:30am
There's obviously more going on here than a lack of sexual compatibility.

I hope you will continue with counseling.

While I admire you for being bold enough to seek self-discovery and share your revelations with your wife, I don't agree that the ball is necessarily in her court. Is she responsible for making you happy in your marriage, when you admit you didn't even realize that until you started counseling? That just seems like an undue burden to put on someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2010
In reply to: bigmac73
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 11:02am
im about to post something very similar we both have something in common i will wait to see what replies i get cos im very interested in getting a mans view on this.