Amazing husband so why the negative thoughts? Anybody else?

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Registered: 02-12-2010
Amazing husband so why the negative thoughts? Anybody else?
6
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 8:41pm

Some days (months) I hate being female. Then again, maybe it's just me? Maybe there are others with a similar perspective. My husband and I are soul mates, I truly believe that... given that occasionally, every few years I have months in a row when I struggle with my own mind about his shortcomings. I am usually a "he can do no wrong" type of wife. Seriously, but these other times, it's like I see all the wrong he does, I see the good too but honestly I prefer the he can do no wrong times. Let me present this in a different way... I think he is amazing, I know he has shortcomings but I accept them and love him despite them... but during the months when I struggle mentally with his negatives, they really get to me at those times. It really bothers me. I could begin going to counseling and that can help me feel better by getting it off my chest. Perhaps I just need to dish with friends. We recently relocated though and my friends aren't near. Not to mention, I am always afraid to talk with them about relationship issues because I want their response towards what I say to be positive. I'm deeply afraid of losing this man so why do I start feeling this way? Perhaps the fear is the problem. I do have trust issues from childhood, when my father left. But honestly, I think I have been past most of this for a while... but then maybe it comes back. Please ANYONE who has been through this, it would feel great to know I am not alone. 

~Michele

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010

Welcome to the group,
I think it is kind of normal to have those thoughts once in a while,
You don't say how long you have been married ?
My only suggestion would be to just try to focus on the good ..
His quirks .. we all have them so if you feel you can talk with him about it then give it a try.
Good luck :)




Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

Welcome to the board.

I think counseling is a good idea if you're open to it. It might help you deal with the issues you are grappling with from your past as well as find coping mechanisms for the negative feelings you occasionally have now.

Another suggestion that you could do on your own is start a gratitude journal. Consciously take time every day to focus on the things in your life that are positive and that make you feel good. If there are days that things seem less rosy, go back and read some of your prior entries to help find that spark of goodness.

I think it is absolutely normal for us to see saw between emotions like you describe. Even when I know things are going well for us, there are some days that I just don't have the same patience to deal with DH's habits that sometimes grate on my nerves. In those instances, I've tried to train myself to pick my battles, let the little things slide and know that we'll get back on track. Stress can certainly exaggerate those feelings so with the holidays coming up I know to be on guard for petty things that get under my skin.

Please post back and let us know how things are going!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2010

Hey ladies! Thanks for your responses. Sorry I didn't introduce myself before, I am a long time member of the TTC community so I didn't think to introduce myself. I met my husband just before HS graduation, he was already in college and had attended a different HS. We dated for 6 years before becoming engaged and moving in together, we had a three year engagement (because weddings are expensive ;) and now we have been married for 16 years (17 in April) and together for 25 years (26 in May) so we have a long history. I realize it isn't abnormal to have occasional negative thoughts. Mine are persistent, like he can do no right for a good month or so in a row. Luckily I have a strong mind and know I love him to his very core so I talk myself out of speaking to him or confronting him about it for fear it will come out bad. It's come out bad before and at a time when he needed my support so I am leary of having a conversation with him that isn't well thought out, but I think that also has negative repurcussions for my own mind and us ultimately. In any event it helped just writing it down and getting feedback I have felt less negative about him for the past several days, it is definately at a manageable level. All your feedback helped, thank you so much. 

The journalling idea is a great one, I can see myself doing it in typed form though so I gotta be careful as Word would be available to him as well. I do think I will have that conversation with him though because part of my anger is the feeling that I can't speak to my best friend in the world about just about anything. I think I just need to carefully plan out what I say so as not to use any negative accusatory language.

Thanks again!

~Michele

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

Thanks for posting back, Michele! It's always nice to hear that some of our suggestions might help you!

As for the journalling, I have two suggestions: 1) password-protect the document where you are storing your entries; alternatively, you could set up a private blog online that is password-protected so that you can write freely without worrying that he is going to see and 2) tell him about this project and why you feel it's important to keep it to yourself. If there are entries that you are comfortable sharing with him, that might make him feel less isolated from that process.

I've been blogging for nearly 5 years and DH is well aware that it's out there. I have occasionally read a blog post to him but he knows that it's an important space for me to process things so he hasn't tried to gain access that I haven't granted.

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004

If I be honest,  no person are without fault and we all do wrong, it is part of being human.  Maybe you would  feel differently about your husband if you stopped  idolize him  and see him as the human he is?   Maybe then you wouldnt have these periods with him being peerfect  "cant do no wrong" and  the periods where he constatly at fault?

And yes therapy for you could be a good thing.

I know my husband is wrong  sometimes and I stand by him anyway, I will not protect him or act like he isnt  when he is, he is  adult enough to have faults, be wrong and fix the problems him self.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Like you said you just relocated, you may be focusing too much on him, nitpicking. FYI: There's a difference between acceptance and being blind in a relationship.